Do I have to supply everything my children need to stay at their dad’s?

[LittleMyLikesSnuffkin]

Hi my DC are soon to start staying overnight at their dad’s soon and I was wondering... should I be supplying everything they need? I’m talking pyjamas, toothbrushes, pull ups for bedtime, underwear. I’ve previously let ex keep a spare set of clothes for the youngest who sometimes has accidents during the day.

Just to be clear it’s every other weekend for 1 night at a time so it’s not end of the world if I should supply it all and I won’t be digging my heels in about it. I just want to know what is reasonable. I would send them with clothes for the next day and I would never stop them taking their toys from here to their dads house (it’s their stuff not mine) only thing they’re not allowed to take tablets with them though. Ex has a history of stalker tendencies (abusive arsehole in general) and has put trackers on phones and tablets before now.

[mustbemad17]

If it's just one night i'd send them with what they need for it, much as you would a sleepover. It would be on the understanding it came home with them tho if it was me

[WalkingBad]

Send what you need for the first time for him to keep there if you can afford it and not have to send back then he is responsible for replacing them after.

[MickHucknallspinkpancakes]

Is he paying maintenance properly? If so then I would provide clothes to keep there such as pjs socks undies and spare clothes for the next day. He can keep the dirty ones and wash and swop for next time.

He really should just buy a tube of toothpaste etc to keep there, but if he's being an awkward a hole then just provide - it's not worth him creating grief and stress for you and the DC.

My ex doesn't pay any maintenance so I tried to put my foot down and tell him to buy the bloody lot. But DS was coming back in shit clothes too small for him and he was keeping the ones I bought.

[LittleMyLikesSnuffkin]

He does pay maintenance. It’s about his only redeeming quality. I think our history (extremely abusive to me and the kids so that we had to live in refuge for a year) is colouring my view.

But I think you’re all right and it’s not worth the aggro. Youngest has special needs and needs specific dummies and sippy cup for his bedtime routine (it’s very important to him) so actually for his sake I’ll send everything and replace what I need to with new here. I know where to look for the stuff he likes anyway.

Thanks everyone! I really do love MN for this sort of thing. Family and friends all hate ex so their opinion would most likely be “let that fucking cunt sort it all out”.

[Ekorre]

No he should provide for them at his house. Do you want your kids to think men can't sort out basic domestic stuff? That their dad doesn't care enough about them to buy them pjs and toothpaste?

When ds came back I would wash the clothes from his dad's in time for them to go back with him next time. You do need a routine otherwise you can end up with everything ending up in one house.

If your ex is a bit useless make sure you have a spare coat, school uniform etc. Shoes sometimes didn't come back... If he is really useless or vindictive you may need to make sure they always go in spare stuff so you don't have to keep buying new and never getting it back.

Yes if one needs specific stuff you could supply but I'd send him links to show exactly where to get it from.

You will do no-one any favours by babying your ex.

[LittleMyLikesSnuffkin]

And I think ekorre that’s what was bugging me about it in the first place. I have always done everything for them. Literally everything. Because when I did try to make him do stuff even just getting school uniform washed and dried- it never got done. That and years abuse and humiliation.

This gives me more to think about. Compromise is in order I think. The stuff my son needs that is specific to his additional needs I will definitely supply (because I can’t stand the idea of my little boy being distressed in any way) but other basics like toothbrushes and things they would need anyway he can get. Maybe.

Holding my own against him is a work in progress for me. The court agreement states that if he can’t cope with our son he isn’t allowed to just palm him off on me. He would have to bring them both back. My solicitor said to me “he needs to be their parent on his time, end of”. Maybe I should take her at her word?

[Ekorre]

It is hard but you are separate entities now. Its really healthy to put in boundaries and give him some responsibility. His share of the work is not yours to do. Buying toothbrushes is part of being a parent. The risk is of course that he just won't bother and they won't get their teeth brushed. On the other hand it may be the making of him.

[WalkingBad]

Keep a good supply of cheap socks & pants at home not expecting them home. My 11 year old still comes home in pants aged 6-7 that I sent years ago.

[NorthernSpirit]

The dad should have stuff at his for your son. It’s not a hotel he visits, it’s his other home.

My OH pays £700 a month maintenance for his 2 kids and we have everything they need at ours. His mother threaten to strip the children naked rather than they come to ours in ‘her’ clothes. Personally I think they are the children’s possessions (not ‘hers’). Problems only arise when stuff you have bought doesn’t get returned. My advice would be don’t be petty about it.