Jealousy

[Desperate13]

Hello everyone, Ive never been on mumsnet or any other kind of chat forum before but I have a 2 year old daughter and I really need to talk to someone about how I’m feeling but cant talk to my family or friends.

My partner had always worked away 2 Months on and 2 months off since long before my daughter was born and was only home with me for two weeks after her birth before he had to leave.
I developed bad pnd when he was away as I didn’t have much nearby available help and I couldn’t get my daughter to sleep so she wasn’t in a sleep routine when he got back (something I’m still struggling to get her in now) and I always felt he blamed me for it although he said he didn’t.

There were many times when I tried to explain how I felt or when I tried to explain things I’d found difficult but he always Said I needed to talk to somebody else as he couldn’t help and when I did seek help he never asked me about it so I just felt he saw me as pathetic.

He had no idea what it was like for me here on my own as it was a completely different situation when he was home. He drives (i don’t yet) and he has lots of friends who he sees a lot when he’s home I don’t see many people when he’s away and I’m always here with him when he’s back so he never experienced quite what it was like with her full time or how lonely I felt.

This year was the first time since we got together that he was going to be home for six months which I was really looking forward too. But unfortunately after two months he told me that he didn’t love me anymore and split up with me.

Hes always had a very strong bond with our daughter and is a very good dad to her but I am absolutely devastated that he doesnt want to be with me as I love him very much and just want to be a family.

Because of his job he hasn’t got another place yet and so at first I had to leave home at weekends for him to have her here which was very upsetting and affected me quite badly.

The reason for this post is the awful feelings I have that I can’t tell anyone about. One night he came around in the evening as I’d had a horrible few days and begged him to help. He put our daughter to bed and he was going to stay on the sofa so I could get some sleep.
I was trying to talk to him and joke like I had when we were together but he wouldn’t look at me and told me he was only there for our daughter and hadn’t come to see me which really crushed me.

He told me to go to bed and that he would do the night time if she woke (as she often still does) but when I woke a few hours later to go to the bathroom her bedroom door was open and he was asleep in her room with her in his arms.

It stabbed me in the heart that I wasn’t part of that unit anymore and I just sobbed silently in the next room. I felt so jealous and resentful that she still had him and I didn’t and that is how I feel on a daily basis. He messages every day about her and he’s told me he’ll never love anyone as much as her and everyone else says he’s a good dad and that he really loves our daughter and I know I’m supposed to feel glad about that but i don’t. It tears me up and I feel so worthless and rejected that he loves her but not me.

I’m so ashamed but Sometimes I feel so resentful that I’m left looking after the love of his life when I thought we would be in this together and that he loved me too.

On top of this my daughters sleeping has gotten worse and I’m so tired all the time I just feel so depressed and often wish I wasn’t here.
I’m so terrified of the future and so desperately lonely all the time I really really don’t want to wake up anymore.

I love my daughter but don’t see how I can possibly give her what she needs on my own and I’m so ashamed of the feelings I have that I haven’t talked to anyone about them because I know it’s not natural for a mother to feel like this and I know that no one I know would understand. I don’t know what to do. I want to be around for my daughter but not if she’s going to be brought up by a resentful jealous mother and I know that if I’m aware of this and want to change it it should be easy but it’s not. I just feel so devastated that hes left me and so jealous that she still has him

[Ros3ro]

All I can say is Wow, everything you are feeling is perfectly normal you are dealing with alot and I'm sorry for you.
In the nicest way possible you need some professional help, you need to talk to someone, dont be ashamed!
Its good that you have joined mumsnet because we can all relate to one another, i have just joined also but for different reasons.
As for your child's father, he seems like a loverly devoted Dad but all the while hes around you, you will not get over your separation! It will take a while and be difficult but again be strong and get some help.
If you ask for the help it will change your life, there is so much help out there you know?! Are u aware of all the the help you can get?!
I had pnd with my 2nd child which lead to me having a breakdown it was terrible, then I was diagnosed mental health, i have used all the resources out there to help me with my children and most of all myself!

[Margaritaanyone89]

Oh goodness OP, this situation sounds awful. Your life has been flipped over and on top of that you've already suffered from PND so I don't think it's out of the ordinary what you're feeling and it's a great sign that you've recognised these feelings and are seeking out help and support.

You need to re-connect with friends/family and make a solid support network for yourself. Don't be afraid to do this, they'll be happy to help. It hurts right now but it won't always and you need to remember that. Once the pain has gone, what you will have left is your independence, your own life and a daughter who loves you to the moon and back. So don't put any negative energy towards her, she's the best thing to come from this negative situation. It's good that both of her parents love her. Just try and think of it as "my daughter comes first and if my daughter is happy then I am happy".

Your daughter is just a little human who didn't ask to be born. You gave birth to her, she loves you and she also has a Dad. She has done nothing wrong. If he Dad ostracised her too, you would feel equally awful and bad for her. Take solice in the fact that you're going through hard times but you're still going to try your hardest for your DD.

Wishing you all the best OP

[Want2bSupermum]

Please go and get professional help. I think what you are going through is devastating and you are being very brace in being honest about how you feel.

Good luck

[Want2bSupermum]

Brave not brace. Bloody autocorrect.

[Carbohol78]

Poor you, I am so sorry for your grief, I totally empathise and wish you all the best in the world

I am not slating his fathering abilities at all, he obviously loves his DD, but don’t feel like a failure in comparison, it’s a lot easier to be a fun and relaxed loving parent after 2 months away (I am sure it is hard for him, don’t mean he enjoys the space)

Do not “move out of your home” for him to see DD, it was his idea to split, and that may set a dangerous precedent

You are and will always be enough for your DD because she loves you, she will obviously still have the benefit of Dad’s involvement also

Next time he’s back, take yourself away to see family/friends and take care of yourself , give yourself time and respect to heal

I understand every emotion you have, and my heart weeps for you x

[Desperate13]

Thank you all so much for your kind and helpful responses.

I had a counselling initial assessment on the 2nd October last year and I was told by the counsellor that they felt I needed urgent intensive counselling and that they would be seeing me within three weeks but no body got back to me so I phoned twice but they had no sessions available and said they would be in touch.

I also called a place called the Sanctury one night when I was very low and I spoke to someone who said that they would get me a call back about available services in my area but no one called back and I found it difficult to keep reaching out.

I have just now however booked another counselling assessment for tomorrow whilst my daughter does her Friday afternoon at nursery.

I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I also know that this isn’t just about my ex or my daughter.

My mother suffered from schizophrenia when I was a child and I always knew there was something different about her from an early age and though I know she loved me very much I never felt she could properly take care of me.

My father on the other hand was abusive and controlling and would turn up unannounced and stay with us as long as he wanted despite the fact that that my mother was separated from him. He would then drink and be violent and just bring more stress to an already distressing situation so I never remember a time when I ever felt safe as a child.

The thing is as a result I never really trusted anyone so I didn’t have many friends until I got with my partner and he really made me feel safe and loved.

I honestly thought when my daughter arrived it would be the happiest time of my life and feeling this way has really eaten away at me so I know I need to get help

[Carbohol78]

Bless you sweetie, if it is of any comfort then there’s scores of people reading this who wish they could give you a big hug and sit and hold your hand

Well done for booking the counselling, that’s so brave and proactive, which must be difficult at this time x

[Desperate13]

Thank you x

[Carbohol78]

How did the counselling session go?

[Desperate13]

It went ok thank you. It was quite hard even though it was just an assessment and I did feel quite emotionally drained afterwards but I feel a bit lighter now having been to see someone and I’m having my first counselling session next Friday so there’s no waiting around which I have to say I’m relieved about! I just hope it will help me deal with the negative feelings I’m having

[MotherofaSurvivor]

Personally I would've kicked him out when he said that about not being there to see you! Rude bastard! That is your home!! You started a family with this man and he can't even chat to you?

I would arrange for contact sessions to be in a Contact Centre and therefore you can hand the child over to someone who will supervise contact then hand the child back to you. That way you don't have to see him and he can't upset you again.

HE caused this situation and has destroyed you emotionally. You didn't ask for this, so why should you have to leave your home?

[MaximaDeWit]

How are things OP?

[Starlight2345]

I think that the fact he is not sorting out a new home is stopping you moving on this needs to be resolved .
The tiredness you will be much more able to catch up on as well as stuff round the home when she is on contact . Don’t allow him to have it all his own way