DD hero worship of exH driving me mad(11 Posts)
Talking about how we should go bike riding "but mummy, daddy said you can't ride a bike, you always fall off"
New car broke down: "why did you buy this car anyway, daddy said it's a rubbish car, why can't you get a car like daddy's" (cue explanation through gritted teeth that I only had £300 to spend on a car unlike daddy)
On moving house "is daddy coming to help us move house?" No darling we'll do it on our own with a removals company "but you should get daddy to help, he's much better at moving things than you"
"Daddy says we shouldn't get a cat, cats are boring, we should get a dog. Why can't we get a dog mummy, you're so mean" (when I suggest daddy gets a dog the response is "don't be silly mummy, he works too hard, he's never at home". I work full time!)
In other examples, daddy always let's her stay up late, didn't bother to treat her for nits when I told him she had them on his weekend (I had only noticed that day) and then told me his sister was furious with me because DD had given her daughter nits (he was the one who didn't do the treatment because he was "too busy"!)
When we were together he did a great line in negative comments about me disguised as 'banter' and it sounds like he's carrying on with this in front of DD.
I would never put him down in front of her, just need to vent! I feel like I'm always bad cop while he gets to be fun daddy
How is telling her the truth putting him down? Why are you happy to let her grow up with him on a pedestal and you a doormat under her feet? Firing off truths is surely saving her from finding out the real him as a teenager?
You could have reminded her you work full time, haven't got as much cash for a car etc.
You are allowing your relationship with her to be shoved to the sidelines . Imo.
I’m sure you are furious. I would be.
Deep down you know you are doing the right thing by not rising to him. In time, your DD will come to realise who kept everything ticking over. It might take a long time and she might even have to have children of her own before she appreciates it properly. A friend of mine grew up in similar circumstances and now she has a child of her own she says she has so much admiration for her single Mum who did everything meaningful for her. So just stay calm and don’t let the bastard bring you down.
I used to hero worship my natural father. I no longer speak to him.
I got to about 13 before I realised he was a prick. The older I get, the more I realise what a prick he was and still is.
I do tell her the truth- I explained we don't have enough money for a car and that I work full time too- I don't think she sees my job (teacher) as important as his (works in finance, long hours, lots of travel) and knowing him he likes to talk a lot about how busy and important he is. I feel like she is surrounded with strong female role models who work and she'll still say things like 'let's ask daddy to fix it' when a lightbulb blows!
On the other hand, if I can't make her assemblies etc because of work she gets upset and will say things like 'I hate your job' - it doesn't seem to occur to her to be bothered that her dad never goes to assemblies.
I think your responses are perfect .. it will fade . I bet when she is ill it’s you she wants same assemblies . On the lightbulb I would give her a feminism chat . Obviously age appropriate. My Ds didn’t see his dad so had a bit of hero worship . At 10 he gets it and never wants to speak to him
Thanks- I don't know where she got the lightbulb idea from, I always change the light bulbs! And mow the lawn, take the bins out... Constantly having conversations about how women can do exactly the same as men etc.
When children are a bit older they start to understand money better. Ds does.
My DD has been known to think her
abusive revolting twunt of a dad is the dogs bollocks. She's come out with similar to yours. I look her dead in the eye and say "that's not a very nice thing to say is it?" It seems to make her stop and think about it. I don't say "your dad isn't very nice" just what he said.
I think you should do this. Every time. Don't have to make a big deal don't tell her off just say that. Your ex is a knob that much is obvious. using a child to get cheap shots at his ex. Your daughter will soon realise I promise. She definitely will when she is older. And she will remember that you never behaved the way her dickhead dad has behaved. She'll lose a lot of respect for him.
I think she’s old enough to be told that some of her comments are very rude. Would she say that bike comment to a friend? How would she feel if that comment was said to her? (Replace “falling off a bike” to “tripping over a skipping rope” or whatever)
With stuff like the lightbulb, have you shown her how easy it is? Get her to screw it in next time so that she knows that Daddy isn’t necessary for such tasks.
I understand and why your confidence might be low as a result of being a lone parent but do you take the time to point out to your dd how great you are? When I mow the lawn or whatever, I definitely show the kids my work accidentally on purpose and it’s a great boost to hear from them how much better the garden looks. 😳
I understand your anger about the good Mum bar being much higher than the good Dad bar. As kids get older, they can’t help but notice this. (I’m not saying that all Dads are crap- my Disney Parent ex sees the kids 24 hours a fortnight and thinks that because he pays maintenance, he’s an awesome ex and parent)
Your dd is repeating what her Dad says because she wants to believe the stuff that he says. If he was a great Dad, he wouldn’t have to kick you down to prove it. He’d be doing the boring bits like nit treatments as well as driving his dd in his fancy car.
Been there with that one. Maybe I missed but how old is your DD, this does affect how to deal with these comments.
I always swore to not bad mouth my ex my daughter would make similar comments. Quite often more extreme, I would get the occasional 'Daddy says you don't love me because you don't do x,y,z with me'. Also like you, I work full time, always pulled in opposite directions between work and home life, trying to do everything, and then your little darling starts to throw these little comments, fuelled by a selfish ex who doesn't know the half of all the stuff you have to do as a single parent.
If your DD is still young, under 10ish, I'd say, I would carry on as you are, your DD will eventually cease the hero worship and appreciate all that you do for them, because at the end of the day, who is really there for them when they need someone. As they get older though if it persists some stronger words may need to be had to point out the unfairness of the comments. But most likely your DD will start to see on their own that these comments are not true.
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