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Any advise on 'known by' name for school etc?

(7 Posts)
MollyBloomYes Sun 08-Oct-17 02:23:43

My DC’s have a double barrelled surname. When we were married ex and I also double barrelled but have both now reverted back to just our original surnames.

I have a lot of regret over the DC’s surnames. It’s unwieldy, long and a pain to spell it all out and point out it’s hyphenated! I also hate the fact that the name they got from their dad is actually from his stepdad (ex had his name changed as a child when his mum married stepdad). The stepdad and that side of family have been utterly vile to me throughout the whole split and subsequent divorce and it bothers me enormously my children carry this name. If they had my ex’s original surname I wouldn’t have this issue as we are very civil with one another and I encourage him to have a relationship with the DCs

Sorry, massively long winded but felt it was important to give background! Anyway...I know I can’t change DC’s name legally without consent from their dad. However I have heard that when they are registered for school they can be ‘known as’ a different surname.

How would this work in reality? What would require their full name eg would they have to have their full surname on exercise books? School reports? I’m guessing they would for external exams such as SATs but what else?

I’m just trying to work out if it’s worth doing as the DCs are getting to an age where school, playgroup, pre school etc registration is looming.

Their dad isn’t happy with his stepdad’s behaviour but keeps trying to reconcile (whole other thread 🙄). He keeps muttering about going back to his childhood surname but never gets around to it. I don’t think he’d agree to a legal name change at this stage for the DCs but to be honest I’m not sure he’d ever be on the ball or involved in the day to day upbringing enough to notice they only have one surname at school! It’s probably really petty of me but I really really hate that the stepdad and his family is honoured in any way after their despicable behaviour (as an example when I was in hospital I had to ensure the nurses were aware that he wasn’t to be let in the ward and his picture circulated as he had threatened to ‘come find me where I couldn’t get away and tell me to my face what he thought of me.’ His stepson was the one who left me!)

Thanks for bearing with and apologies if it seems I’m making a big deal out of nothing but it is becoming increasingly important to me

Lexieblue Sun 08-Oct-17 08:13:45

Can I just offer a word of caution in using a known by name at school for the purposes of qualifications, as this is what happened to me. I was registered at birth under mothers surname. Mum and dad never married and split when I was young. Dad got full custody. No contact from mum since age 6 (relevant as I assume this is why name wasn't changed officially) dad registeree me at primary and secondary school under his surname, therefore GCSEs were also.
Wasn't a problem until it came to collecting the certificates (I didn't even know!) And had no ID in the name I'd used for 10 years.

Ended up having to do a stat declaration (and it follows you around this one piece of tatty paper, when applying for EVERYTHING, even after getting married).

So Yes, do it, but make sure the children eother know to do the above or help them do it. I found it stressful but it was probably because I was left to sort it out and pay for it myself when I didn't have a clue it wasn't my real name!

fairgame84 Sun 08-Oct-17 08:31:57

We've got a few children with 'known by' names. They only need to use their legal names for external exams. School reports are done using the 'known by' name but anything printed off SIMS is in the legal name (attendance reports).
There are loads of reasons why children don't use their legal name. We have some that have fled domestic violence, trans children, one child that preferred to use their middle name and quite a few that have done it following a relationship breakdown.

youarenotkiddingme Sun 08-Oct-17 08:50:02

I had a similar situation and ds was dads family name - my surname but actual birth certificate was just dads family name (which was from stepdad via deed poll!) due to Spanish system, the fact we are British and we're unmarried.

When he started infants I registered as put his double barrelled 'known as' surname but was categorically told I couldn't do it. As ds knew his surname as the one we used I had to change his his deed poll as well.

What I've told him is he can just use the second bit (mine) if he so chooses when writing it but despite never seeing his dad (for 11 years) he identifies with that name and I fully respect that.

Dancingfairy Sun 08-Oct-17 09:39:12

Not the same but my daughter has mine and exes surname but not double barrelled I've just used mine on everything at school and haven't been questioned at all, everything is in my name nothing has ever came to me with his surname on it from the school no reports/etc

MollyBloomYes Mon 09-Oct-17 00:55:23

Lexie that sounds enormously stressful thanks for the warning!

Thanks as well to everyone else, seems like it’s something that can be done pretty easily which is very encouraging!

Getoutofthatgarden Tue 10-Oct-17 20:24:15

I gave my DD my surname when she started school, I changed her name at GP surgery, hospital etc. No-one asked any questions and there's never been a problem.

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