Meeting the girlfriend - what would you do?

[Indrarosie]

I need some much needed help and advice from anyone that's been in this position....please no judgments on me, I know what my ex is and continues to be.

My husband of 14yrs and now ex (divorced late last year) has finally decided that now is the time I get to meet his girlfriend (his ex PA who is 14yrs my junior...she is now 23yrs old) during our marriage he wasn't nasty or abusive towards me.

The back story to this is that they both started the affair when my LG was just 8 months old, he then left me and moved out of the family house when she had just turned 1. I had no idea what was happening and didn't see it coming. I was then subjected to an horrendous narcissistic discard. He smeared campaigned me to his parents even people who I thought were mutual friends, told lies in court, used marriage counselling as a way to abuse me and to make me feel it was all my fault he was leaving, made it clear he has no respect towards me as a mother, said i suffered from depression (i don't) just to make out i can't cope, tried to financially ruin me and also systematically emotionally abused me. These are just the main headers of what he did so you can imagine the awful things he actually put me through....And yes he took great enjoyment doing all of these things. Not at any point was his real reason for leaving me was mentioned....him finding someone else.

Whilst this was going on I was desperately trying to raise our daughter, trying to keep my head above water emotionally and financially and be the best first time mummy I could be for her but all the while he had this new partner who I knew nothing about. We tried for 4yrs to have a baby (all i ever wanted was to be a mummy) and I was over joyed when we finally got our miracle but what should have been a time of being in the heady state of being a new mum I was battling hard not to sink....so much of that time now is a blur and I will never get that time with my daughter back.

He dragged me through the family courts (wanted to look like the father that cares and made him look good to others ) and all because I took him to financial court because he refused to help me financially to bring up his only child. He earns extremely good money yet he was desperate to prove he didn't. The outcome of this was the judge saw straight through him and i won and he lost, even though now he's still financially very well off.
Family court was beyond horrendous, I knew he didn't want more time with our daughter and as predicted when he got the extra time within 3months he was cancelling seeing her (he still continues to cancel seeing her regularly and at short notice) even though there is now a court order in place.

Through his half sister who he now has nothing to do with anymore (gave her an ultimatum) all because she has chosen to keep in contact with me, we have always got on amazingly and when the stories he was telling about me started she just didn't think it sounded like me. Sadly his folks have believed him and so they now "hate me" and I am now known as the gold digger ex wife, even though we met when he was at Uni with no money. His half sister only gets to see her niece through me (he has refused her that in the past and still does now) I found out through her he had a girlfriend this entire time of abuse and courts and he had already introduced her to our daughter many times with his parents present as well.

When I asked him through the contact book, (1.5yrs ago) which I wrote with no emotions and just being calm and factual if this is the case......my question got blanked and more lies as to why he cancelled seeing his daughter that time and said it was for business when In fact i knew it was to go on holiday with the girlfriend (confirmed by the half sister) From then on he has paraded his girlfriend to mutal friends and sometimes with my daughter in tow and still yet has not had the decency to tell me of the relationship and how this involves my daughter. He is secretive and manipulates everything. Mentions the girlfriends name in the contact book, how they spent it with my daughter and yet he has never said in what relation she is too him.

My daughter never talks to me/ friends/ nursery key workers about her daddy or the girlfriend even when gently asked through role play etc. I/they never push her etc. I've been told by my HV she's learnt to compartmentalise everything. It breaks my heart this is happening to her. She's 4 on Saturday.

My ex is a snake (he's proved this many times) and anything he does is never to make my life easier and certainly not our daughters. He wants to change the court order to suit him (asked 2 months after it was finalised through the courts) I have refused as it's what he has asked for and it works fine with me the way it is now. He's threatened me with court a total of 10 times over a year and yet still nothing happens. If he honestly thought he was right he would have submitted an application and not just made threats.

I want to make this perfectly clear I don't have a problem with their relationship at all (she's welcome to him) but my issue is how they have kept this a secret for 3yrs whilst involving my daughter.

This offer of meeting the girlfriend only came about on Monday (his day for pick up) because my daughter wanted me to take her to his car but my ex refused me to do so. Much crying and upset from my daughter when i couldn't....Turns out it was because the girlfriend was in the car waiting. I was fine with that and didn't have an issue but he made it that is was. I was very calm and matter of fact about it. Emotionally I don't feel anything towards my ex and them being together and I would never ever make a "scene" in front of my child. I'm beyond that.

My question is should I meet with the girlfriend? How would it benefit my daughter in me doing so? How on earth can I trust this person who was happy to be kept a secret from the mother of her boyfriends child. She came off Facebook etc. I don't believe she is an innocent party in all of this.
I am in a far better place emotionally than I ever have been but will doing this send me back again? What questions would I want to even ask her?

Thank you for taking the time to read this epic story....I'm aware it's a long one. Just need advice.

[Liara]

I have not been in that position or the converse, but my father left my mother for another woman when I was 1.

One of the things I respect the most in my mother is that I never found out the circumstances until after my father was dead and I was in my 30s. She bit her tongue, was civil and neutral in all dealings with her (minimal, but she didn't avoid them if necessary) and never, ever slagged off my father to us, no matter what he did.

You cannot control what your daughter experiences from her father, but you certainly can control what she gets from you, and I would say treating this woman just like you would any woman that your ex has just hitched up with after you've moved on is probably about right.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

You will most likely encounter her at some point. Smile and say hi, be civil etc. There's no need for a big formal greeting or anything.

[CremeFresh]

You don't have to do anything you don't want to . You say your ex has decided this , don't let him continue to control you, I'm sure you may eventually cross paths with his GF but let it happen naturally or on your terms. Don't let your ex dictate to you any more, it's time to make a stand .

[NancyJoan]

Meeting her is a good idea, your DD won't feel so much like she has to compartmentalise if the two separate teams have met and chatted. I'm not sure why it has to be a 'meeting' as such, a five minute "Hello, I'm Sophie's Mum, she's been doing baking this morning, what are your plans for the weekend?" will be enough. You don't need to get to know her.

Re trusting her, she's 23, and will have been fed a load of lies just like your ILs. She's not the bad guy, he is.

[heidiwine]

What Laura said. It doesn't need to be a big deal just a hello.
I'm a step parent and I think my step children would have benefitted if me and their mum could have had some sort of relationship. Like it or not, your ex's new partner will have a (current) role in you child's life and it will benefit your child if you can accept that.

[AlpacasPackOwls]

I would meet her. Your ex uses lies and secrets to manipulate people. I'd want to show my daughter there is a better way to treat people and not let the "secret" cause more damage. Is it possible that he has been telling your daughter to keep the girlfriend a secret from you and that's why she doesn't talk about it and has compartmentalised it?

I suspect the girlfriend is also being controlled by him too.

[Starlight2345]

I would meet her .. either she is manipulative and keep enemies close or she well of been given a pack of lies ( more likely) so let her see your not the monster he has painted.As for what ex's family think , really doesn't matter now .. Distance you from them .. now the only thing you need to know is about Dd care with him .

[Mrscropley]

I would say meet her.
She is in for a big fucking surprise when you most definitely aren't the woman he has painted you to be to her. .

[Mrscropley]

Also - my twat exh had a new gf that he met years after we finished - I met her and we spoke on the phone regarding the boys as no way would I speak to him - tried to strangle me in a court waiting room whilst denying he had anger issues. .
He was very riled and stressed that we actually got along. Not too long after she went off and married his mate who she met while they were at a swinging party!!

[BeyondDespair]

Indrarosie
I think this is a really difficult one and I totally sympathise as I've been in a similar situation with narcissistic ex who hid girlfriend (who quite clearly is under his spell), the horrendous smear campaign against me, years of court and lies etc.

How long is this meeting with her going to be? If it's just a case of her coming to the door with him as such, then I'd just do a 'Hi ya!' and 'See ya!' as you close the door. If it's going to be more of that then I'd suggest that you had someone else with you. Not necessarily because of her, but because of him and what stunts he might pull. And you don't want the 2 of them versus 1 of you. She will be completely sucked into the idea that you are mad, crazy, bitter, a gold digger etc. - remember that. And the realisation of what he's like isn't going to sink in with her until he starts pulling the same stunts on her. You being a decent person isn't going to change anything with her (or him.)

I think also perhaps taking the initiative when being introduced might be a good idea i.e. 'Oh lovely, I'm glad we've finally met, come in...' Rather than them working their way into your house.