Narc abusive ex - how to respond

[brillopants]

Sigh. My main response is detachment and 'yeah ok whatever'.

He has contact one day a fortnight, court ordered and reduced due to concerns.

He buggers off a lot overseas and expects me to make up the time. I have been complying to keep the peace but fed up now. But he WANTS the engagement of disagreement, and loves to play the victim.

So he suddenly says he's away next contact, wants to make up the day this sun ( yes, Father's Day) but it's so he can swan dd round getting attention.
We have plans, we were going to do something special with my dad, dd's grandad. Cafcass have said I have no obligation if he isn't available on ordered days.
But he wins either way- if not, he will be the Victim, if I do dd will get stressed having to perform. I offered sat, which is his normal day, but he won't budge.

What to do?

[DawnOfTheMombie]

I have one of these exs. I go broken record. "Court order states X day at X time, you either turn up or you don't, I am under no legal or moral obligation to offer you extra contact."

[bibliomania]

You know the drill - just don't engage. Don't justify or explain. It's just a boring unemotional, "No, that's not possible"

You already know that there is literally nothing you can do that will stop him playing the victim. All you can do is stop it from getting to you.

[Phillipa12]

Let him play the victim then, those important to you know what he is like and everyone else, well thats not your problem. You are busy end off!

[StrongerThanIThought76]

As pp have said. It's really hard, and it took me years to see the light but just repeat court order details and stop giving him what he wants - the power to control you.

[brillopants]

Thankyou , he's saying he can do sat now .It's all a game. I am so bloody tired of it.

[Starlight2345]

It is a game stop the flexibility.

DD will be available for contact .....as per court order.

No matter what you do he will play the victim. So don't even concern yourself with it.

[RedastheRose]

It's horrible but you have to be firm and don't give him any options. Let him be the victim let him say whatever he wants. The more you try and be reasonable with a narc the more they mess about and take advantage of you being a nice person.

[bibliomania]

I've a slightly different take on it, but it may be the peculiar nature of my ex. Say yes or no depending on whether it suits you. I thought it I was consistent he would somehow learn from that, but nope, it doesn't make any difference.

If I'm consistent, he wails "You never do x!" and if I do something different, he wails "Last time you did y!" and he says it in exactly the same tone and neither makes a difference to him asking for z this time round. I've given up trying to train him through consistency on my part. Might work with puppies and small children, but it doesn't work with him. It's actually quite liberating.

[brillopants]

Yeah, I needed one date changed as we had a holiday booked, gave him two months notice. He used that to get many more changes, then acted like it was him doing me the favour. Grrr.