Relocated & lonely 😭(10 Posts)
Last year myself, DH & DS relocated down south due to jobs. I absolutely love where we live, but I am so lonely. My DH works Monday - Friday, and I work Friday-Sunday, I don't know anyone and have no friends here, during the week I find myself crying most days. DS attends a private school and although his schooling is paid by ourselves (lum sum of money from when my DD past) we aren't rich, so many of the parents look down their nose at us. I miss my friends from university, and back home but there all traveling or settling down themselves. We are in Staffordshire, is anyone from here?
I am sorry to hear that this transition is so tough for you.
I also glean from your post that you lost a DD - that is very sad indeed. I am so sorry to hear that. Maybe the move has triggered this sadness to re-emerge - sometimes you can tick along with grief, keeping it just manageable, in familiar surroundings and with familiar routines and people around you. Moving is always a challenge and maybe requires more energy than you can muster at the moment.
I remember going to uni many moons ago and all the students from private schools seemed frighteningly confident, but when I got to know them they were much like me when you scratched the surface, so please do not let these apparently snooty parents get under your skin.
Parents in a new area often make their new social contacts via their children's schools, and that does not seem a possibility for you as yet. Do you have any interests that might open up friendships, when you are feeling stronger?
I am not entirely familiar with Mumsnet, but there may be a local Mumsnet that might be of help to you - I do hope that you find what you need.
You might have more luck posting in somewhere busier than Lone Parents, or try the local boards.
Can you change your work to weekday work so you have family time at the weekend?
If you're mostly free during the week try volunteering or taking up a hobby to meet people.
I miss my DD everyday. He never got to meet my DS so using the inheritance towards his schooling makes me wish even more he was here to see him at school, and see how well he was doing, he was alway proud of me even when I miss fail at things.
Working during the week wasn't possible for us due to childcare, I work 16 hour shifts and unable to find a childminder that would accommodate the hours we needed (some shifts are 5am starts and 11pm finishes)
Volunteering sounds fab, I used to volunteer when at university so plenty of experience. During the week I do find myself doing plenty of things like going to the gym and swimming but never made any friends.. I guess when I'm dripping in sweat and smell like a rat no one wants to talk lol.
I'm in Tamworth. X
How old is your kid? You may be surprised to hear this but have you realised that many mothers with children in private schools are in the same position as you? Staying at home, away from their network of support because they moved with the husband's job, alone during the day and very likely with a husband who is away with work very often?
Don't look down on yourself. One of the advantages of more affluent people is that, financially speaking, they have nothing to prove. I found it much easier to interact with other parents in private school than in my local state school as the keeping up with the Joneses was unbearable there, while in private school we had some aristocrats and people with old money that looked far more scruffy than me and drove very old cars despite living in the nearby hall.
Just open yourself a bit and you will find out lots of friends. You are not the only one in that situation.
I speak to lots of the parents when waiting to collect our children, or in the morning. We've tried areange play dates for the children as these a group of 5 of them including my son who are inseparable. Most of them work during the week, so it's only in the school holidays we manage to make plans. I think I just find it hard been away from friends and family.
Oh, that's not good. If they are working it is more difficult because weekends are often reserved for family activities.
When I was in your situation what I found more difficult was going on for days (or weeks) with not much social interaction. I applied for a very badly paid job in the NHS with very few hours a week (hence the bad pay), but those 3 mornings in the office surounded by adults were bliss.
I couldn't go out because I had a small child who has no longer contact with his dad, but many of those lonely evenings were spent in Mumsnet and Facebook. One mumsneter who was in the same boat as me one day invited me for a coffee "over the phone", fortunately we both are a pair of idiots when it comes to certain things so we had a good laugh and continued meeting for Friday coffee mornings over the phone for a long time (we just made our coffees in our respective homes as she lived hundreds of miles away, and had a good laugh over the phone).
I often repeat the coffee over the phone thing with my friends and family abroad. Last weekend I spent 3 hours on the phone with one of my school friends who live in the US, it costed nothing (via WhatsApp ) and we were talikng and having a good laugh while our children were in bed (10pm hers / 6 am mine).
With a bit of creativity you can keep in touch with friends and family. I am close friends with many of my cousins but after spending so much time joking in Facebook, every time I go home, they really make a big fuss. Facebook has brought us together.
Some people may say that this is sad, but is sadder to spend the night watching movies every night so special situations require special solutions at least for a short time.
I now have several groups of friends locally (many made through DS) but I still take care of maintaining my old friendships online (they know me better than most of my recent friends, I feel I have a close group of old friends always around even when they are so far away.
Oh how I feel your pain! This was me almost ten years ago, I was chronically lonely in a new city, knew not a sole and would long for that meaningful contact with friends! Heres what I found helped
- phonecalls to really good friend/friends. Let of steam and be honest about your loneliness
- be where people are, shopping, town centres etc
- taster sessions at craft classes or study courses, I am very shy so found this easier than launching myself into a meetup group as it forced interaction.
- accept that to get that nice feeling might take some time but put in the work and friendships grow to be meaningful.
- strike up conversation with neighbours, some days they were the only person I had conversation with, it might just be passing the time of day but its contact
- I volunteered with the cinneman trust to walk an elderly mans dog 1-2 times weekly, we were both lonely at the time so sort of held each other up but the dog was the focus so it felt natural. This also meant that I got walks and any dog walker will tell you this makes you instantly more approachable and you tend to chat that way too. I cant tell you how much this helped.
- allotments, if your into that, I found great as ours had evening barbacues a couple of times through the summer using food from everyones allotments, again the food was the focus so conversation and friendships never felt forced.
Hope this helps!! I now feel very settled and have a small circle of very good friends and aquaintances and feel part of the area I live in. It will come its just incredibly hard for the first year or two xxxx
I speak to my friends and family everyday, I'm always on the phone to them or on Facetime. I keep in contact with friends and family regularly as many of them are back in Germany, and my friends up north I speak to all day everyday. Bought up in the army so have many friends all over the UK or world.
I guess its just how life is when you move around isn't it. This was our 3rd move in a year, so as soon as I feel settled we go again. We move again in 6 months time. Never been settled anywhere for more than 3 years, but this last year has been the hardest. Xx
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