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DS dad wants to meet after 11 years..what's the script

(10 Posts)
Dreadfulidea Tue 07-Feb-17 16:20:10

Was in a relationship with the guy for a number of years. I found out I was pregnant after we split up ( he had a new girlfriend). Understandably we were both in shock ( he also said it probably wasn't his) and he moved away with said girlfriend never to be seen again. None of his family had any further contact either and I have no idea what has happened to any of them. I got in touch with the CSA when DS was seven and got the DNA test done through them and unluckily for him a monthly payment. I have only ever told DS the positives about his father and the good relationship we used to have because I didn't see the point of doing anything else.
Got a message on Facebook via a friend of a friend saying he would like to see DS now.
So far so predictable. What happens next? DS says he isn't bothered to meet him but I'm thinking he probably should at some point. Anyone got an idea about how this pans out?

Starlight2345 Tue 07-Feb-17 18:33:51

I would be so annoyed. He walked away when you were pregnant. Had the fact he was the dad confirmed and it took him 4 years to decide he wants to see his Ds.

Personally I would listen to your DS at this age. Tell your DS that you will hold onto contact details and if he wants to contact him in the future he can. Then message the ex and tell him what your DS has said and what you have told him. Its a bit late to come playing daddy IMO.

CannotEvenDeal Tue 07-Feb-17 22:48:58

Similar situation here but I am stepmum to a dss who is NC with his his mum and she refuses to pay cm. Dss wants nothing to do with her and the courts now listen to children from the age of 10 upwards. We had a couple of vague attempts at contact several years ago usually via her relatives or friends (similarly to your situation) but when it became too much effort bio mum disappeared again. If it were that important to your ex he'd surely contact you himself? hmm

ChicRock Tue 07-Feb-17 23:01:11

I'd wait until you hear from the ex himself.

"Friend of a friend" could be shit stirring, telling you ex wants to see DS, telling ex his DS wants to see him.

If it's genuine, ex can contact you himself.

Starlight2345 Tue 07-Feb-17 23:14:26

oh I have just re read friend of friend. I also would ignore too.

If friend of friend found you so can ex

KarmaNoMore Wed 08-Feb-17 07:30:07

Yeah, I wouldn't even give DS anymore updates until dad contacts you directly AND he has shown he is prepared to do the effort to stay in regular contact with him in the long term.

IME more damage is done by a parent that appears and disappears at random, careless of the emotional impact these resurfacings have in their child, than by one that stays away for good.

megletthesecond Wed 08-Feb-17 07:35:57

Ignore. It could be someone trying to stir up trouble.

How old is your ds? 11? By that age it's partly up to them whether they want to see an absent parent.

happyhappyhappy44 Wed 08-Feb-17 07:41:35

See a solicitor. Im in a similar situation and they are asking for 6 months of just letters etc mainly to see if he will stick around. If he does then its a 30 minute meet in the company of someone everyone is comfortable with.If your DS is like mine the conversation has popped up frequently. To introduce them and his father finds a new girlfriend , gets bored and vanishes again could create a problem especially at his age. Good Luck . I hope it goes well xx

FlyWaxSleepRepeat Wed 08-Feb-17 10:22:13

Friend of a friend hmm

Nope.

I'd reply to that message "I have no interest in communicating with ex via a third party. If he wishes to contact me he knows how to do that himself. Please stay out of this, I'm sure you meant well but it's none of your business".

Dreadfulidea Sat 11-Feb-17 14:03:05

Thanks everyone for the replies.
The friend that passed on the message isn't a drama llama so I am not worried about them stirring. It sounds like DS's dad has been worried about the reaction to his " return" and didn't want to do further damage. Which is kind of him hmm.
I have passed back the message that DS insn't interested and will let him know if that changes. I don't really want contact details or anything. It was such a sad time ( both him and new girlfriend became really unpleasant) and DS turned out to be the best thing ever. I don't want reminders of his fathers behaviour. I guess this is what I'm worrying about really. That my feelings will get in the way.

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