Tired and run out of love

[Dizzy87]

Hi Ladies,
Firstly thank you for reading.. This is my first post so please bear with me.

So I'm 29 met oh when I was 24.. during a very difficult time mother was dying of terminal cancer, during which time oh was incredibly supportive and my family loved him to pieces for it.. she passed in April 12 and I fell pregnant in Nov 13.. during the time leading up to pregnancy he had his usual man moments that drove me up the wall but just got on with it as we all have differences time to time.. when I fell pregnant we had an issue with his family seeing stuff in our personal pregnancy notes and they basically had a row with us, his sister even accused us of mugging her off for not telling her how our due dates had changed.. me being me I made a point of moving out and staying with family for a good few months until our flat was ready to move in to as we had quickly bought on finding out I was pregnant.. he stayed with his family when I moved out saying he didn't want to disturb my family with his early wake up calls... erm bs excuse in my eyes.. and to me he chose his families side over mine even after all the arguments they had with us.. later down the line in an attempt to get our flat ready for baby I had asked him to take some rather heavy boxes to the place so I could get in and get some cleaning done.. instead he chose to go golf and play in a competition. so I went to the club he was playing at picked up the boxes and got them all up to our 3rd floor flat myself.. and then cleaned. Needles to say I was pissed off at him and we had a massive row. He dragged his feet with the diy and kept procrastinating to the point where the jobs still wernt done when we had later sold the flat due to not being able to afford it on his wage alone.. when baby did arrive we barely had any food in the cupboards but he was still happy to fork out £180 a month on a golf club membership.. and within 3 months of us living in there properly he sat me down and told me he simply could not afford the mortgage.. so we moved back in with the mil.. since moving in we have had several big arguments one where ids was one years old and I had begun working and was pretty tired he tried saying a was lazy and all I did was sit on my arse all day when I was with ds.. so I completely flipped and battered him.. not proud but that was below the belt.. we argue over money.. when we had got married in 2016 we was lucky to get a fair sum of money as gifts and he blew £1000 within a month with barely an explanation as to what he had spent it on.. he is lazy and will say he will do something and doesn't do it... he gets incredibly angry and defensive in front of ds and will shout and punch doors and walls.. I am also working 5 nights per week where I won't get in till 12 midnight and I'll be up with ds in the day and until recently he still felt I wasn't the one pulling my weight.. and would get in a huff if the living room was a mess with his toys.. a few days ago I let loose and we was to the point of breaking up and he says (after many times promising) that he will change.. but in all honesty I have no more love for him.. he has completely broken me and I don't think there is any getting back.. I am terrified of the thought of bringing up do as a single parent but I may as well be with the shit that he puts me through.. he might not be violent or a drinker but he is quite possibly the most selfish person I have ever known and he acts like a Molly coddled boy.. I want a man who just gets on with things much like I do. The fact I am working nights impacts on mine and ds relationship as I have much less energy and I am always trying to be so careful to put aside money every month due to oh being a bit reckless with his at times..I don't do as much with ds as I would like to. In a nutshell I'm tired and bloody miserable and any advice about moving out and moving on with my life would be greatly appreciated xxx

[Penguin82]

Not sure I have any pearls of wisdom but wanted you to be answered. You sound bloody exhausted and he sounds extremely selfish. I've recently split from a selfish partner who prioritised his desires for how to spend time and money, putting our family last and making me feel like a skivvy (I also work). It's not easy but I think the turning point for me was when I had, more than once, very clearly spelled out how unhappy and unsupported I felt and what I needed from him. Once I knew 100% that he knew what he needed to do to step up, but chose not to, any guilt about leaving dissolved.
I don't know about you, but I found researching and planning the practical parts of separating (finances, housing) helpful as it was something I could control - unlike dps treatment of me which was unfortunately put of my control. Could you do some research and get advice on housing options, work put what maintenance you would be entitled to etc etc? Maybe if you have a plan to leave you will feel like you have choices? Doesn't mean you have to take that step if things improve.

[Dizzy87]

Hey, Penguin82.

Thank you, I'm with you on giving them the chance to step up and then if they don't then that is on their conscience not mine, at the moment he is on "best behaviour" but we will see how long that lasts.. old habits and all that.. but to be honest I think it has gone past that for me now, there isn't any love there, he loves me and is an affectionate guy when it comes to sex but all that other crap he gives me, not listening and not learning and the selfishness just makes me rather stick needles in my eyes than return the affection . I have been researching and by the sounds of it I should private rent if I'd like to get out quickly once the decision has been made.. my calculations etc seem to be livable.. and it's just a matter of biding time to save for basic furniture and deposit.. and new toys for ds. I am extremely frugal when needed so I know I have the right mindset to look after myself and lo. But to be honest I'm so used to going without and being the one with the and working my arse off it wouldn't be any different for me.. I just want to be out and the main thing for me is having money free to do stuff with ds, and being a lot less depressed from being stuck in a selfish relationship xx

[Penguin82]

Good luck op. I managed to find somewhere for my dp to go for a few weeks and at the moment life just seems to contain less stress, less cooking, less cleaning and looks like a lot more money in my pocket. Sounds as though you will be the same.
Could you plan a holiday for later in the year for just you and ds? Even if it's just a long weekend somewhere? Always good to have something positive to look forward to, a kind of reward to yourself for everything you'll need to put yourself through over the next few months if you separate.

[SaltBae]

I was with you until you said you battered him.

Sounds like a situation you need to get out of for his benefit as much as yours.

[QuiteLikely5]

There is clear domestic abuse in this relationship - it's a terrible example of a relationship to your son and the key to you both having inner peace is getting the hell away from each other.

Your son deserves better than this.