Hi everyone!
This is going to be a massive rambling rant so I apologise in advance. It's been a long year and no way will I fit it all in and I'll probably miss things out.
About 2 1/2 years ago me and ExP split up, we have one beautiful DD who has medical issues and we made a firm pact to co-parent and do as much as was possible as a family, without living in each others pockets. We were good friends even though he was a rubbish partner to me. I set everything else to one side to make sure we could work together to parent.
My family was close to him and his step-sis happens to be my best friend.
Anyway, all was going great for the first year. We did family meals with our DD once or twice a month, did christmas & birthdays together, hospital appts, school events etc etc he didn't miss a thing and was firmly in DDs life.
He is now with a GF and has been for a year, and she HATES me. I have no idea why because I'm really not an awful person. I've tried to get on with her so we can have a good relationship but maybe she saw me as a threat and made it clear she wanted me out of ExP's life as much as possible. I took her out for coffee and tried to find some common ground with her so that, even if we weren't friends, we could be friendly and civil when and if we saw each other.
(don't get me wrong, I no way wanted to be best buddies or be involved in their lives - I just wanted to make things easier and show her I'm not someone she needs to worry about)
The family dinners and random day trips stopped. My communication with ExP all but stopped, co-parenting seemed to fall by the wayside. It's turned into a 'them' and 'us' scenario and I hate it! ExP won't speak about it and he's even pretty much cut his step-sis out of his life... his GF doesn't like her either!
DD took a dislike to GF, one of the reasons for this was because GF announced early on that she would become DD's step-mummy. DD is 5 and extremely articulate, she told GF that she has a Mummy and doesn't want another one. DD was upset and I think this put her on the back-foot. She came home confused and cried when I asked her what was wrong. I talked to her about it, explained that GF didn't mean to upset her. Another reason was that she went from it being only her & daddy at contact to Her, Daddy & GF at every contact. She said she missed her 'daddy-daughter' time.
Then I spoke with Ex RE DD's dislike of GF and suggested we have a chat about how to handle their new relationship better for DD. I was determined to get along with everyone and make things as smooth and comfortable as possible for DD who was clearly struggling. I had a 'sit-down' with ExP and Gf, I must admit I felt a little bit ambushed as they'd only been together a few weeks and I was only expecting ExP to show up. We discussed why DD was feeling so uncomfortable and I suggested maybe it was because Gf was all of a sudden there at every contact, that maybe alternate it until DD was used to the situation. I was shot down in flames by GF who said visits with them weren't my concern. They said they were planning on moving in together ASAP and I said I was happy to help them prepare DD for the change of circumstance. So I did, I supported them with it in order to keep everything peaceful and maintain the relationship DD has with her Daddy and also to maintain the co-parenting.
All I want, all I've ever wanted is what is best for my LO and to make sure her daddy-daughter bond stays strong. But how much can I honestly be expected to do?
1 year down the line and DD still isn't overly comfortable with it, but he's her Daddy and I have been bending over backwards to make things easy for her & him.
Problem is, co-parenting has gone out of the window on his side. He misses school events, hospital appts, didn't come to see her on her birthday at all and has decided he won't be coming to see her at Christmas either but instead will see her a day or two later and do a separate christmas with her. She's always disappointed when he doesn't show up and, if I'm honest, I'm tired of making excuses for him.
DD is due a small-ish operation and when I informed ExP about it (he didn't come to the hosp appt where it was discussed) He asked 'Do I really need to be there?' Not too long ago it wouldn't have even entered his head NOT to be there. So I responded (with my jaw on the floor) 'If you need to ask that then the answer is no'
An example of something which got right up my nose this year was this:
DD was desperate to start Ballet classes, ExP has moved into a house literally opposite a ballet school. She asked him if she could go and he said she was 'too short' ! Too short? What sort of odd lie is that! She came home heartbroken and asking me if I knew a way she could get taller quicker.
So, I spoke to ExP and advised I'd be signing her up for ballet at my old ballet school and it would be every saturday morning. I said if he wasn't willing/able to take her on the weekends he has her that i'll do it and drop her at his afterwards (it would only have cut their time short together by an hour as it's an early class). He reluctantly agreed he would take her, but he wouldn't help towards the costs.
I'm on a low income and do sometimes struggle to make ends meet but DD doesn't ask for much so I decided to go for it and find a way. Which I have done. My little brother surprised DD by sneaking out and buying her a full set of beautiful Ballet gear, clothes, shoes, the lot. We were so touched by this and DD was overjoyed to be starting ballet! A few weeks later I go to pick DD up from her Dads after her weekend with him and he informs me he has lost the ballet stuff! He has no idea where it's gone! I suggest that he needs to replace it because I can't really afford to and he agrees. Come next weekend when I need the ballet stuff for the following day I ask if he's bought replacements yet. He says no and he's not going to! It's tough.
I have to buy all new ballet stuff next morning AT the ballet school and skint myself completely. Tough ExP says, not his problem. Why? Why drop me in it like that??
Little bro is absolutely furious about it, and it's all I can do to persuade him not to contact ExP voicing his opinions.
It seems petty but, honestly, it's one in a long line of things which have caused an issue over the past year. They're almost all little petty things, but they're things which I don't think would have happened a year ago when we could communicate freely.
GF makes ExP put me on speakerphone every time we have a conversation. We never talk about anything other than DD anymore, gone are the friendly chats we had. GF once kicked up a massive stink cos I picked up ExP for DD's hospital appt and we travelled together in my car (ExP doesn't drive and it would have taken him over an hour on the bus as opposed to our 20 minute car journey!)
She's made him block me on FB, along with a few of his female work friends.
The impression that I get, and his step-sis agrees from what she's seen. Is that GF is jealous of DD and wants to be his number one priority. He missed DD's birthday as GF was coming home from holiday and he was waiting for her flight to land. I could have cried for DD who watched out the window for her Daddy for an hour until it was bedtime. Of course, it was my fault because I was putting her to bed (later than planned) and that's why she wasn't seeing her Daddy!
Aw I really want to be able to work WITH ExP to co-parent. I want it so that we can communicate without it turning bitter but I'm beginning to feel that it's too late for that. It's the little, petty things he does that are starting to really grind me down!
I'm so sorry, I know I've rambled and I know I've missed masses of stuff off but I needed somewhere to vent. I needed to get it out.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.
Lone parents
rambling rant RE DD's Dad...
7 replies
MakingMyWayThroughTown · 12/11/2016 11:19
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.