Acceptable? Lives nearby now but makes no effort

[NooNooMummy]

So we're divorcing and separated 2 months ago. Things have been v messy and I had to leave but was happy for him to see our daughter. He made no effort. We're now back home, he's moved into a flat in the next street but has been too busy going out clubbing (yes, really) and seeing his new girlfriend to see our daughter yet. I'm struggling to understand why he's moved so close but is doing this. (Rubbing my nose in it..?)

He's now arranged to see our daughter starting next week on 1 half day and one 9-5 day that week and in the following week. Am I wrong for thinking he should make a bit more of an effort?

My child-free time is limited to a couple of mornings when my daughter is in nursery and otherwise is nil because I have no one else nearby (eg family) to help with childcare. But I refuse to expose our daughter to his messing about and let down. So far, in the last 2 months, he's seen our daughter for a grand total of ONE afternoon and spoken to her on the phone a handful of times. I actually feel as manipulated and as abused as when we W're together but I want to do the right thing for our daughter. Should I lay down some ground rules? Should I seek a court order? Or should I just hope that he disappears from our lives? What can I do?

[NooNooMummy]

...our daughter is 3 by the way.

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

Was mediation mentioned when you filed for divorce? They offer to put together a legally binding contact agreement. Phone cms about money tho. He ob isn't skint.

[NooNooMummy]

Thank you. Yes, we are starting mediation. He is skint - one of the factors that caused stress in our marriage. But now he's got a credit card and has been treating himself. Also, until v recently, he was living in MY flat, paying no bills at all (I pay everything) so has always been able to spend his tiny salary on himself

[NooNooMummy]

Good to know that we can create an enforceable agreement at mediation

[NooNooMummy]

Argh. I'm just winging, aren't I. It just doesn't feel right but I don't know what would be reasonable in this situation...

[ragdollymama]

Thanks for commenting on my post - similar situation. I recognise I've been accommodating my ex bad behaviour for fear it will just get worse (so not rocking the boat). But it doesn't get much worse than this does it? I'm going to be more specific about what I think he should be doing but at the end of the day if these 'men' are not man enough to step up and take some responsibility what can we do?

[ragdollymama]

Wanted to add, I really feel for you. Keep strong xx

[NooNooMummy]

You too. Thanks so much for your reply

[3xcookedchips]

They offer to put together a legally binding contact agreement

Mediators do not do this - they encourage 2 parties to come to an agreement by consent.

[DeliaClartpepperTheThird]

It's not acceptable. I'm in similar position - sees baby every other weekend (unless he fancies booking a mini break). Lives 20 minutes away. Always promising money "next month" never happens.

I've given up asking for more visits or money. I hope he fades out of our lives completely rather than disappoints our child as he grows up and works out daddy has shit priorities.

[grounddown]

My ex lived 600 yards up the road when I first left (EA), I purposefully found somewhere really close thinking he would want to see the DC every day. He saw them once a week, organised by me. If I hadn't asked when he wanted to see them he probably wouldn't of got round to it.

3 years on and he is much better but I still do all the organising, picking up and dropping off. I do it for the DC who adore him, not for him. He also didn't pay for them for 12 months, I went to the CSA who calculated a figure of which he gives me half after I've reminded him to transfer it at least 4 times every month. It's a joke but i'm resigned to it, he's in their lives and supports them. I'm over being bitter now.