I apologise for the massive rant I am about to write but I've really had enough of my life right now.
I've been a single mum to 3 DS for as long as I can remember. I had them young to a useless horrible abusive ex husband and even when we were together he rarely helped with the children and made my life miserable so I feel like I've always been alone.
I've worked so hard all my adult life to get into my field of work which is hugely competitive. I've sacrificed so much and although I earn ok money, it barely covers our daily living expenses. The commute to work is horrendous and I rely completely on my mum for childcare. I miss every important event for the boys, my house is a shit hole and I spend the entire weekend alone with the DC. My parents occasionally babysit but I rarely have anyone to do anything with (friends all happily married). My mum also doesn't really do anything with them when she has them so they come back bored and at each other's throats after being stuck inside at her house all day while she does her own thing. I know I'm lucky to have anyone at all to look after them but it doesn't help the guilt of leaving them all day to have barely any supervision or adult interaction.
I found out in March their dad was emotionally and physically abusing them and had always done so on his contact days (used to be every weekend). The police were initially great but the case has been dragging on for months and I've not heard a thing from them for at least a month (the case was supposed to be submitted to CPS then but they wanted to review the video statements first). He is not allowed to contact them or me and it has been a relief not having to deal with his abuse anymore.
That said (and selfishly I know) I am really struggling with being so completely alone. My only respite used to be the weekends he had them but now that is gone, my life is literally nothing but work and childcare. I'm 31 and my life is passing me by and I'm so exhausted that I feel trapped to change it. It hurts knowing they will never experience the love of a father and no one else will ever love them in the same way I do.
The DC have behavioural problems, most likely because of the abuse and witnessing DV and me being a generally crap mum most of the time. CAHMS won't take a referral, school have been awful (had to move two DC to a different school), women's centre don't offer much for children and we had a family support worker who was basically useless (never met her once or updated on what she was actually doing with the DC at school).
I don't seem to be able to meet a half decent man. All I want it to have what it feels like everyone else seems to have, a family. Someone to talk to and help with discipline and share childcare and the ups and downs of life. The last guy I was dating made it pretty clear he didn't want anything to do with my children so I ended it. Online dating is depressing, the guys that want to 'talk' to me barely seem able to hold a conversation and either i or them lose interest pretty quick. Is this really all life has in store for me?
This has been my life for years and it just feels so unfair and hopeless. I have moments where I make an effort to get out more with the DC and make the best of it, try and reach out to friends etc but I usually end up right back here. Lonely, exhausted, scared. The burden of holding my shit together is getting too much and I could just run away forever
Thanks if you have read this far, it feels better just to get it down somewhere.
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When will everything stop being so shit
11 replies
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 16/08/2016 20:25
OP posts:
bleedingnora ·
16/08/2016 22:24
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bleedingnora ·
17/08/2016 12:39
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bleedingnora ·
18/08/2016 18:12
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