Who should pay for this?

[Pollyanna9]

Hi. I'm divorced, two kids who have previously gone fortnightly to their dad for contact. I moved away (couldn't afford a house where I used to live) and therefore agreed to meet half way which I've been doing every time the kids go for contact, for the last 7 years. Contact order was in place for this plus roughly half the hols.

DD has suffered the opposite of favouritism whilst there and I've been having to seriously encourage her to go for school holiday breaks. About 12 months ago she stopped wanting to go on alternate weekend contact so has only been having that contact rarely.

At Easter she was due to go to her dad's for the week. In the car at our meeting point she completely broke down in the car and she just couldn't go. I bought her home again. Between him and his parents and their step mom, they've just about destroyed her self esteem.

Despite DD not going for contact every other weekend, I obviously took DS, solo, every time. For the last year I've exceeded the requirements of the contact order for him as I've been taking him since he turned 16 so I've done a whole year to support his contact until he's gotten to an age where I think he (and his dad) should work it out amongst themselves and DS is quite capable of getting a bus and a train to the halfway point, or further if thats what his dad wants.

Obviously, since DD pretty much has no contact with her dad now (his fault, not hers - that's a whole nother story), I won't be taking anyone anywhere every other weekend other than maybe drop DS at the train station so he can get himself to his dad. Since DD no longer really having contact, I have not asked for extra CSA even though of course it would be appropriate for me to do so - having a teenager at home permanently is a costly business as anyone will know!

I've already said to ex husband 'I've done the transporting for contact for an extra year for DS, it's down to you two now although wherever work allows, I'll continue to support assisting DS with getting to transport for contact with you'.

I don't think I should have to pay for DSs transportation now though since the contact order no longer applies, my income at work has just dropped by £20k pa, and I'm not getting any extra for having DD at home with me 100% of the time.

So what do you guys think, who should pay DSs transport now that he's 17 and the arrangement is entirely mutual between him and his dad?

[WatchingFromTheWings]

When I spoke with my solicitor about me moving away following my divorce I was essentially told that as I moved away with the kids it was down to me to pay/travel to get the kids to their dad. I did that for 4/5 years but now (the last year) he collects them. I've been lucky though, he's not made a fuss about it. I'm only 20 minutes away from ex.

[WatchingFromTheWings]

We didn't have a contact order though....sorted all that ourselves.

[Pollyanna9]

Hi WFTW, thanks for your reply.

The court order (which was not obtained until a good year after we separated) specified that the contact would be at a halfway point with us each paying for our own costs to travel to and from. That contact order no longer exists for DS who is now 17 and I believe he needs to start learning how to move around this fair country under his own steam.

At 17 I was living away from home as an apprentice and traveling from Derby to Nottingham by bus once a week - I feel he can get the train at this point in time and actually, I think he could have been doing it for the past year. However, he is a bit of a late developer and I think he's certainly at the point where he could get himself on a train.

Its up to DSs dad and DS to make an arrangement now, which I will support. I just don't think it's down to me to pay for it any more for him (certainly not when I'm not asking for the additional money I should be getting from him for having my daughter all the time).

I already supported transporting him to and from the meeting point for over a year longer than I was required to do under the contact order that xdh invoked so I do feel that within the requirements of the contact order and outside of it, I've more than done my bit. I feel it's his responsibility now, and that includes paying to get his son down to him.

Hey ho, we'll see what happens. He's got no interest in coming her to see his DD who has been traumatised to the point she can't take seeing them in their location any more. Since Easter when she broke down in the car and couldn't go for contact, he's spent time with her once for 2 hours....

[FallenStar3]

I think you should continue to pay for your DS to see his dad, it was your decision to move away not his DF. It shouldn't be coming out of his pocket at 17. Maybe when he's 18 and working.

[Pollyanna9]

No I don't mean for my son to pay for his own contact! I mean his dad should pay.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

What's greater - the extra maintenance you are owed for having dd more or the transport cost for ds? Would your ex be happier to accept your proposal that he pays for ds if it's in his financial interest?

I have a 15 year old ds and I've been thinking about getting him to take public transport on his own. It's a cliche but when I was his age I was venturing further independently and can't understand why he would want to be dependent on adult lifts.

[Pollyanna9]

eyebrows, yeah, ex hubby paying for the travel for his son's contact is a LOT less than what he should be paying me for DDs lack of overnight contacts. He's on a win win there.

When I was 17 I lived in one city and took three buses weekly to and from another city, I lived away from home, I trained away from home. No one showed me where to get the bus from, I had to work it out for myself lol! Here I am, alive and well despite that.

You see, I've no longer got any requirement to pay anything towards DSs contact with his dad as there's no longer a contact order to address for DS. It is (based on a LOT of stuff that's happened) very much his dad's time to step up (for once, genuinely) and take control of the contact with his son both in terms of organising it and paying for it. Let's see what he does now there's not a court order that he has to adhere to... It could be another disappointing episode in my children's lives possibly coming up :-(. He makes all the right noises dad, but when push comes to shove, he's a weak and pathetic father (sorry, but he is).

The next few weeks will tell how much effort he's willing to put in with regard to contact with his son (and whether he can be arsed to see his DD at all of course whom he's only seen for 2 hours since April...).