lone parent dad needing some help..... please(9 Posts)
I have never posted or asked for help/guidance before however, here we go.
I am a 'single' parent to a 12 year old from a former abusive relationship (I have brought her up since she was born, I am now married and have another child who is 2 with my wife, all of whom, I love with all my heart and 100% devoted to.
But my current wife is currently trying to kick me and my eldest daughter out of our home (I have refused to leave) or take our 2 year old away (she will not tell me where.
She is very controlling and I would go so far as to say its border line physiological abuse... although she did punch me again last night as well!, her family support her unconditionally and I do not have family (or any friends) as I moved away from where I lived in order to be with her (if I had not moved the relationship which was good then would not have lasted as she did not want to stay anywhere near where I grew up).
As a consequence I lost all my friends as she 'prevented' me from keeping in contact.
(I think i am feeling a bit sorry for myself....hence the waffle, sorry).
I am not sure what help or advice I want but I need some, so please help as I am wits end.
I want to be with her, I want to be a full time father to my children and a good husband.
I have tried calling Samaritans etc and I cant get out on my own to see a lawyer etc as she would not let me.
Mediation etc which is what i keep getting advised would not work as she would not go to it.
I have admitted to her its all my fault (and I am starting to believe it) but its still not good enough I have no idea what to do or where to turn.
Any help or guidance would be great..... please!
P.s. I have put this in another thread as I need some help......
have you contacte the organisation that deals with abuse of men by women? they may have ideas.
It sounds like your relationship is over and you need to find ways to seperate and divorce.
What is the situation with your home, is it owned or rented?
Unfortunatly you may need to leave and have 50/50 residency with your daughter.
OP, please check out new.mankind.org.uk/
They are a specialist service providing advice and support for men in your position.
I have not contacted any services yet as I don't really know where to go to etc although I have been giving a link to one charity who i am going to call.
I have read there blurb about finding out if you are abused, and I would say yes, but it doesn't feel like it (if that makes sense) as she doesn't really hit me, but she is relentless in the way she treats me.
The last time was different as the police were involved and I was refereed to the domestic violence unit etc as I had been hospitalised previously by her 'friends' previously and neighbors had also contact the police (I later found out).
The house in in both of our names and I feel I should stay as I have my eldest daughter to worry about.
I keep running over things in my head thinking is it me, I am just being a idiot, as she can be nice, and she does 'let' me do things as long as its 'passed' by her, but I never want to do them in any case as its always used against me, so I have all but stopped (and I worry about leaving the kids even to go for a walk with the dog).
There is not a single second that I do not worry about everything EVERYTHING with her and what the fall out might be, and what the motive is behind stuff, as there is always one!
I have noticed things such as when our youngest daughter needs some guidance (she is having a tantrum etc) she always walks away or if she is there will say 'I will get daddy' so I always get the worse end of the stick with, I am starting to feel like a single parent to both of them, with my wife waiting in the wings to pounce tear into me.
(sorry rant over again)
Ouriana thanks for your message, please can I ask what you know about the chances of me getting 50/50 and it not going in the mothers favor, I ask as (again) last time the mother didn't want to know anyway and said in course I could just have her!
I want to see solicitor, but I could not get away for long enough to do that and if she found out I think it might turn physical, and I cant cope with that again!
Anyway, thanks for your help guys, it means a lot!
Oh..... do you know if calls to 'helplines' will appear on the phone bill. I have found some groups but if she thinks I am calling anybody i'm going to get it..... even the police 101 number is charged so it shows on the bill!
thanks again for all your help
It sounds like you are very unhappy with the way things are but are not ready to leave yet. This is not a healthy or normal situation for your children to be in, especially the 12 year old who will be watching it and very aware of how you are both behaving.
Residency of your youngest will be based on a few factors but the main one is which of you does the majority of the childacare, do you both work?
I honestly think you need to get to a solicitor asap, make plans to sell the house and leave this vile woman.
It must be quite awful for your DD to stay in a place where she is clearly not wanted, as your W wants you both to move out. You need to stop clinging onto this abusive relationship. Let this one go, then get some counselling to help you to work out why you have ended up in another abusive situation.
It's a worry that you still want to be with someone you live in fear of on a daily basis, that is very wrong and should be a turn off to you.
Hi. Hope you doing ok. I agree with the others you need to be safe, and so do your children...so you can't stay in an abusive relationship. It's not fair on you or your girls.and it sounds as though things are pretty bad right now.
If it was me (and it has been) knowing what I know now. I would stay in the home you jointly own as that is the familiar home for both children. I would immediately start a diary of events, keep emotion out of it but record all evidence of abuse.
Then start court proceedings for child arrangements order for your 2 year old. If you are scared she will hurt your 2 year old, you need to think about safe contact. If she takes the child and dissopear that's child abduction. You need legal advice and emotional support. Seperation is a difficult time...get yourself and IDVA and get assessed CAADA risk assessment for Domestic Abuse. They will be very discrete.
You really do need someone to walk beside you through this and help you unpick the abuse and your parenting role.
Why are you worried she might get full custody? Usually I would think 50/50 unless one parent is unable to or does something against best interests of the child. It sounds like psychological abuse, dangling threat of denying access to 2 year old in order to make you conform. That's why I think you need emotional support from an IDVA. Please do try and find your local service.
I would let her leave the house though, why should you move? You have 2 important children there who need security and consistency in their lives. Let her go and get legal advice as soon as you can.
Keep both children at the forefront of every Decision you make.
Best of luck.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.