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Why do men leave their children?

(17 Posts)
babydances Wed 15-Jun-16 21:51:27

Hi everyone,
I'm having a hard time dealing with the above as a daughter to a 'dad' who has not been around and generally want to find some answers as to why men abandon their children.
Is there even an answer?
I know of course this isn't just men but in this situation it is and as a adult I'm finding it hard to think clearly about it.

Bluecarrot Wed 15-Jun-16 22:07:14

DD1s dad didn't want kids ( aged 23 when I became pregnant ). She was a surprise and he made it very clear id be doing it on my own. He's approaching 40 now and has some contact with her ( maybe twice a year) but I've always been dying to ask did he ever wish he'd had more ( or been more involved with dd even though he lives a plane journey away since I was 4 months pregnant) I suppose the distance makes it easy to forget for him... But if you've been involved- living together, changing nappies, nighttime feeds, teaching them football ( or whatever) the oy thing I can think of is pure selfishness at least at the start!

Bluecarrot Wed 15-Jun-16 22:08:51

Of course there's ably says the possibility that they want to get back in touch but feel ashamed or that too much time has passed?

Flacidunicorn Wed 15-Jun-16 22:12:53

I'd imagine endless reasons and each dad would have their own set.

For me it as my mum. She ran off with another man and took my 2 brothers. Her reasons have never been clearly explained, she fell for another man was one, she couldn't love with my dad anymore was another. Strange she felt like I could love with him and she couldn't.
We have contact now, though we've never been, nor will ever be 'close'.

Flacidunicorn Wed 15-Jun-16 22:13:26

Love should say live.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Wed 15-Jun-16 22:18:11

On the whole I would say -
Male socialisation which tends to teach boys and men that their wants and needs are paramount, whereas women are socialised to put others first. Having babies is less of a shock to someone who already internalised the message that they are less important than others.
Gendered expectations of childcare and parenting - the nurturing and early months and years are expected to fall to the women. Lots of women say 'men only get interested in kids when they become toddlers/get a personality', these expectations create a situation in many families in which men are not believed or expected to be as good as women so they don't do it
This then creates a disruption in the attachment relationship that a baby might develop with their father if they did more of the care. Attachment relationships are reciprocal which is why primary carers of children struggle to be apart from them for long, whereas people who have a lesser role in the child's life (aunts, grandparents, hands off fathers) don't find separation to be difficult at all.
None of it is the children's fault.

JessicaRabbit3 Thu 16-Jun-16 06:54:56

I think it's how they been brought up . My ex's dad left his mother pregnant and he got another woman pregnant at the time. His mother was no saint growing up either cheating on his SD and was disrespectful about him behind his back. Apparently ex aways wanted his own family and he would never do what he's DF did but he did. At one point he wanted his family back but I wasn't having it. We heard him be quite nasty about my DH to other I just hope he looks on our family with some regret as my DH is a fantastic SD. Lucky meeting my DH gave ex food for thought and he pursued access after messing about with drugs and drink and he sees my DS now. How long has it been OP?

margaritasbythesea Thu 16-Jun-16 07:05:36

My Dad told me that, although he didn't run off when my Mum divorced him, he could understand something of those who did. He found it incredibly painful to be near us and the life he had wanted and only be able to have us for a few hours at the weekend. Dropping off was hell for him.

He also felt very aggrieved that the courts in th 70s almost automatically gave custody to mothers. He was told not to bother contesting it. This made him angry as my mother was in some ways very irresponsible and he found the situation very difficult to handle.

He found it impossible to leave though.

MeMySonAndl Thu 16-Jun-16 23:32:30

Probably because they are not so attuned to the needs of the child as the parent with care is? They don't seem to grasp the effects of their actions.

Sometimes I think that they assume that if they don't care their children won't care either.

OP what I always told my son and I truly believe is that he couldn't possibly do anything that could make his dad disappear, the fact he is gone has nothing to do with him. He left because there is something wrong with him, which makes him unable to understand how his actions impact on the people around him.

I think the above applies to you to.

Somebody posted this in Mumsnet yesterday. I really feel there is some truth in it.

Lasvegas Fri 17-Jun-16 13:42:02

what I find even more bizarre is people who abandon their kid/s and then a few months or years later have a child with someone else. How a human being can be so expendable is something I don't get.

turkeyboots Fri 17-Jun-16 13:49:12

My DH said later in life that he felt he was paying DM to raise us so he didn't need to be involved regularly. He's an ass but has improved with age.

My FiL stopped seeing Dh and his siblings when they wouldnt play happy families immediately after divorce with his "new family" aka the other woman and her children.

Am sure there are an infinite variety of excuses out there.

turkeyboots Fri 17-Jun-16 13:51:09

God, DF not DH! DH is a v committed parent.

SilverLoopy Fri 17-Jun-16 14:00:50

Depression for my ex-H. I knew he was depressed. He knows now he was and had he been able to think clearly at the time (I know, chicken/egg) things could have turned out differently. Sadly, he burned his bridges back then, but he does see DD regularly, once a week and misses her a lot in between.

Marilynsbigsister Sat 18-Jun-16 06:36:45

Whilst there are more than enough useless self-centred selfish arses of fathers who abandon their dcs, there are also a huge amount of men who would love nothing more than equal responsibility and input in raising their children.

Sadly their decision that they can not live with the mother is used against them. Whilst there are thousands of women who want nothing more than their dcs to have an effective relationship with their father, there are also thousands of resident parents who's drip drip of bitterness against the NRP causes parental alienation and the dcs no longer wish to see/feel guilty if they do see the other parent.

Add to that the parents who simply withhold contact and a court system that has few teeth against a parent who is determined not to comply. (Has anyone EVER met a parent who has been sent to prison for not complying with a contact/CAO ?) and the lack of legal aid to fight these cases. It is often the case that many men truly believe that they (the dcs) are better off without them or simply do not have the resources to continue the fight.
It can take real determination and a lot of time to battle a resident parent determined not to allow contact. In my own DH case, it has taken ten years, 22 court hearings, countless un-adhered to court orders, thousands in legal costs, days off work for hearings and the simple passage of time for matters to resolve. (By time, I mean the dcs getting older and making their own decision to come and live with us)
It is also important to understand that resident parents do not always tell the truth. My DSC were/are constantly told that DH has a 'new family' and 'not interested' in them. Luckily they worked it out for themselves but it's not always as black and white as portrayed - although sadly sometimes it is.

Goingtobeawesome Sat 18-Jun-16 06:41:42

Both my parents left me so I can't spend much time wondering why my dad didn't bother as it just reminds me my mother didn't either. Funny how she wants my kids though hmmangrysad.

Afreshstartplease Sat 18-Jun-16 06:42:17

In my case it was my mother who left, she apparently wasn't happy. Married for the wrong reasons. What that has to do with leaving your six year old I don't know but I do reckon she did me a massive favour. And yes she went off and had more kids with her new fella.

MeMySonAndl Sun 19-Jun-16 00:13:28

Marilyn, parents who care fight all the way. They don't sit at home thinking it is too much of a bother so they better remove themselves from the picture.

My ex cries, and tells people I don't let him see his child, the reality is that DS doesn't fit in his new life, his partner hates DS, he has moved on but it sounds much better to say he is not allowed contact than to say he has abandoned his child so many years ago.

Honestly, everytime someone comes to tell me he believes I'm blocking contact, I send that person back with the phone number of Family Mediation to tell him I'm up for re establishing contact, has he replied? No, not a single time in 6 years.

I have met a lot of men and women who have problems with their exes, but when it comes to their children, nothing will stop them from having contact. The ones I have known who had stopped seeing his children, they have done so because they are lazy or abusive.

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