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AIBU to worry about living with someone again?

(12 Posts)
YourHandInMyHand Sat 07-May-16 14:56:32

After about 6 years single I found myself a lovely new DP who is great. We've taken things slowly, he's great with my DS (who has autism), and is a total breath of fresh air compared to my previous relationship.

We've been together about 16 months now and we're looking to move in together, we both rent a small house each so will look for somewhere bigger together.

We have both talked about how it will be a big adjustment, we've both lived in our own houses for a long time! Today I popped in to his and it was SO messy! I think this will be the biggest cause of stress when we live together.

Has anyone on here moved in with a messy (but otherwise wonderful) new partner? How did it go? Did he survive? grin

Also curious how my finances will look too. We both work full time but I'm more sensible with money.

I guess I don't want to be worrying about bills and constantly tidying up. hmm
I do want to live with him, but am just aware it will be a big change for both of us.

YourHandInMyHand Sat 07-May-16 22:23:03


NameChanger22 Sat 07-May-16 22:28:33

You're braver than me. I've been single for 8 years now and I don't think I would ever be able to live with a man again, especially a messy one. It's so nice having my own space and full control over my life. Why do you feel you have to move in together? How long have you been a couple? Are you going to have joint finances?

YourHandInMyHand Sat 07-May-16 22:48:07

We have both enjoyed taking things slowly and having our own space while dating but are both now finding it hard not seeing each other all the time. It was fine in the early days as we both have busy independent lives but we are both now feeling impatient to find somewhere together. It's getting harder to casually say "I'll see you in a few days".

However I think today it hit me, like when Monica is moving in with Chandler and cries "I'm going to have to live with a BOY!" grin I love him very much but he is messy whereas I am super tidy. He's not mucky, he lives alone and gives his house a massive clean through once a week but he's just so untidy!

I was wondering today about finances too. Obviously we will be splitting the bills but what do you do about things like tax credits? I get a fair whack of child tax credits (my ds gets the disabled child element) and then as two single people we both get some working tax. The working tax may vanish when we live together and claim as a couple, but the child tax credits won't. We definitely need to talk more about that.

TBH I didn't think I would even CONSIDER living with someone again. I've loved living with DS and having my own space, we've done all sorts and I've achieved a lot. But like I say messiness aside he's brilliant.

cocochanel21 Sat 07-May-16 22:53:21

I was with now DH 2years before we lived together. I had been single a long time and was used to just Dd and I. I was very cautious about giving up my rented flat so in the end he moved in with us. We kept our finances separate until we got married 2 years later when we moved into a new house.

I did find it quite difficult living with somebody after being single for a long time I was also very independent and took me a long time to get used to it.
DH wasn't messygrin

YourHandInMyHand Sat 07-May-16 23:13:20

We have talked about DP moving in here (for same reasons) but my house is a very compact two bed and I work from home, while DP is writing his final uni project. Storage and space would be a problem, as would me trying to work and him trying to study when he's not at work. Hence us trying to find somewhere bigger.

I'm not too wobbly about the giving up my house as I always intend to keep an ISA pot of savings. When I left DS's dad we left with clothes and toys and had to completely start again, I'd never put me or DS in that position again and these days I wouldn't have to as I have good savings.

cocochanel21 Sat 07-May-16 23:33:06

That's good you have savings put by if you ever need them.

Just need to house train your DP now grin.

MattDillonsPants Sat 07-May-16 23:36:57

Has DP got any children? I think you need to discuss finances as soon as possible.

YourHandInMyHand Sun 08-May-16 00:24:17

No MattDillonsPants DP has no children of his own.

We def need to talk more about money. We have discussed us sharing bills and things as at the moment we are both paying out for a house and all it's costs each and have both said in that way we will both have less outgoings (but I shall likely have less incomings too). The tax credits thing today got me thinking more about it though. I want it to be fair, I'm not really sure what other single parents moving in would do about things like tax credits?

I don't think DP will be fussed either way really, he is very generous and kind but it's always best to get these things agreed and talked over. I think I'm just naturally cautious about that side of things due to previous experiences, ex was very controlling which is why I came away from that in such a bad situation, and I kind of see the child tax credits as being for DS. But then again we will be splitting bills and DS adds to those bills. I may be over thinking and getting a bit anxious here unnecessarily. confused

MattDillonsPants Sun 08-May-16 01:33:31

What you need to do is to look at what you currently spend the money on...all of your money. Do you have anything to save each month?

If you do, then you need to decide if you want to save with DP or not....Do you see a lifetime together? If you think you're going to be together forever with marriage on the cards, then you should be planning for that and for joint savings and home ownership.

If not, then you need to rethink moving in together.

loveyoumummy Sun 08-May-16 09:49:34

I'm in a similar position. I've become extremely independent living on my own for over 3 years. We are talking about living together. At the moment he stays with me a few times a week, and we do a lot together, but I still get quite a lot of time by myself, which I enjoy.

How I see it is we can't live togther in mine as we won't all fit. So like you we need to find somewhere. I have all the same fears as you.

Sorry I have no idea what to say, but just wanted to say I'm in the same boat. I suppose like when you become a LP you adjust, it's the same when living together for the first time? It will take some adjustment

YourHandInMyHand Sun 08-May-16 15:49:16

Yes we have discussed long term plans together eg marriage and saving up a house deposit. It is very much a mutual plan of being together long term. smile We would like to get married one day and buy a house. We are also tentatively discussing the possibility of a child together but both agree we want some time living together before it being a genuine possibility.

It will definitely be an adjustment all round. Loveyoumummy I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one! I too enjoy my own space. Thankfully he does too and we're both quite upfront if we want some alone time so I don't see that being too much of a problem.

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