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so he received the CMO letter...

(23 Posts)
grounddown Sun 10-Jan-16 10:01:25

And told me he's going to give up work so I get nothing.
We've been split for 2 years - I left him due to EA and complete lack of support. We have 2DC aged 3 and 4 and he has them 2 weekends per month. He can't drive so I do all the dropping off and picking up.
He paid nothing towards them for the first 12 months because I left him and I didn't pursue it because I was wracked with guilt for splitting up the family (that's what he kept telling me), then £150 a month, then decided he couldn't afford that so £100 and then in December told me he couldn't afford to pay anything for december or January because the kids xmas presents cost too much. I quietly and calmly rang CMO and he got the letter this week. He's gone mad, sending me abusive texts calling me all the names you can think of, accusing me of wanting the money for my social life (I don't have one) and now he's telling me that he's going to quit his job and move back to where he's from (2 hours away) so he 'won't be able to have the kids for me' like he's doing me a favour by having his children!!!!!!
CMO have calculated his payments at £300 so a lot more than he was paying and he says he can't afford to live now but he is still living in the 3 bed detached house in a lovely area that we lived in together as a family (rented) and he could be living in a smaller house which would cost him £200 a month less like mine does - we all sleep in the same room! I don't need his money so I've set up an account for the kids for it to go into there and he's gone mad about that saying it's ridiculous.
I'm so run down and tired from all the fighting with him, we haven't been together for 2 years and I'm still dealing with his crap. I just feel like withdrawing the claim so he's gets off my back. The kids don't want for anything because I work 2 jobs to provide (topped up by tax credits and a small amount of housing benefit) so if he didn't pay I wouldn't care but what about when they get older and want expensive electrical or holidays; I can't stretch that far.

Sorry it's long, rant over. I just need some support I guess, my friend thinks I'm crazy and that I shouldn't drop the claim. I'm so angry that he doesn't think his kids deserve it but that's him, only thinks of himself.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 10-Jan-16 10:03:07

If he does, you won't be any worse off because 0-0=0. He will be a lot worse off however - he may find a life on jsa isn't that appealing even if he gets one over on you at the same time. Ignore his ranting.

grounddown Sun 10-Jan-16 10:05:49

Thank you, that's exactly what it is - getting one over on me. It's pathetic and hurts so much that he can't see that's it's the DC who will miss out, not me. He is so angry at me for daring to leave him still 2 years on the anger is as fresh as the say I left.

DoreenLethal Sun 10-Jan-16 10:06:02

I'd reply with 'Thanks for the info' and no more. Don't drop the claim. But block his number so that you don't get his texts any more.

grounddown Sun 10-Jan-16 10:06:12


grounddown Sun 10-Jan-16 10:07:00

I just put 'ok, you need to speak to CMO about it as it's out if my hands now'

DoreenLethal Sun 10-Jan-16 10:10:30

Have you blocked his abusive texts yet? Do that today if not.

grounddown Sun 10-Jan-16 10:12:53

I need to communicate with him about the children though so no I've not blocked his texts..I could suggest email but then he will just be abusive on email?

abbsismyhero Sun 10-Jan-16 10:15:56

speak to the police if he is abusing you

if he says he is going to stop having the kids for you isn't that a good thing? especially if he is going to be like this

DoreenLethal Sun 10-Jan-16 10:16:46

That's his problem! He can't sent abusive texts and then expect people to still sit there waiting for a text about the kids.

ohdearlord Sun 10-Jan-16 10:21:08

E-mail is a lot easier to handle than text though.

Set up a new email just for him. And check it when you feel able to handle it. He doesn't have the right to interject into your day with his nonsense whenever the whim takes him.

Text him the email and then block the number.

grounddown Sun 10-Jan-16 10:22:45

I facilitate all contact, I bet if I didn't text him and ask him when he's going to have the kids he wouldn't text me. It's not set in stone because he work shifts. He doesn't text in the week, not even to ask how they are.
This is such a mess, Ive been such an idiot because i felt so bad for leaving him (not bad for him, for the DC) and now i need to get a grip.

starry0ne Sun 10-Jan-16 10:33:28

3 things..The point of not dealing with him and maintenance is not to listen to this crap..If you are all sleeping in one room that is not going to be a long term solution..

You should be using the money for the benefit of the kids.. You do not need to explain yourself where the money is going though I think I would be annoyed if my payments increased by £200 a month and you said you don't need it so will put it in a bank account. Stop all communication on this subject ..Although I would wait and see if he is going to give up his job before commiting it to something regular.

Secondly he cannot be abusive through texts..If he continues to do so then it needs to become a police matter. Do not delete texts save them.

Lastly fighting with an abusive ex is exhausting so you need to stop. If he sends some ridiculous demand text don't answer..don't get in a fight with him... Don't reply to any of his texts immediately ...If you don't want to block his number due to contact get a cheap pay as you go phone then you can turn it off and check at your convince

starry0ne Sun 10-Jan-16 10:37:21

Can I also suggest you stop chasing him to have the kids...Let me know when you want to have the kids enough...My Ex once I stopped encouraging ( not blocking in anyway just no me chasing him) contact dwindled out... It was very hit and miss. While there seems to be a huge pressure to maintain contact I wanted my DS to have contact with his Dad who wanted him

grounddown Sun 10-Jan-16 10:40:17

Thank you, time to get myself together.
We do have a lovely home and ive tried really hard to make everything 'perfect' for the DC because they are so little, I even paid for us all to go on holiday last year as a family.
I think this is a light bulb moment - find my anger and use it. No more acceptance of his shit, no more backing down. I've left, that was the hard part so this should be plain sailing!!

Goodbetterbest Sun 10-Jan-16 11:11:08

Good to hear OP. Look forward, never back.

He's backed into a corner. It's 'fight or flight', he's come out fighting on the defensive. It's fairly (yawn) standard behaviour I'm afraid. Often XPs see it as handing money over to us, not as support for our children. It's just a warped perspective arising from lack of any control. There is no say on how it is spent, there is no control and no power. The only weapon is words. Nasty, angry, abusive words.

The best advice has been given, back away. Don't enter into it. There will be little loss if he does move away, and you are doing fine on your own. He is entirely surplus in the family set up, of his own doing. Chances are when ypu've stopped facilitating his relationship with his children he will realise he has to do it himself.

I could almost feel sorry for him, the self-inflicted emotional damage he is causing himself. Sadly it's not uncommon. Pity him. But don't engage.

MrsGradyOldLady Sun 10-Jan-16 11:17:49

Well if he gives up his job he'll have even less money won't he?

You may not need the money now but wait until they're in high school. You could use the money for the foreign trips or they may need a tutor or something. Don't let him bully you into dropping the claim. What sort of low life would think it acceptable not to support his children? You're well shot of him...

horseygeorgie Sun 10-Jan-16 11:25:19

My DDs useless sperm donor father did that. Carried it through as well. Now he is miserable and has no money! It hasn't even affected us because we never had any money off him anyway! I kept the claim going, even if it is just a tiny pittance, because he SHOULD be paying something!

Good luck!

CremeBrulee Sun 10-Jan-16 11:36:56

That's the spirit OP! You have definitely done the hard part, now you need to stop engaging with him which will disempower him and enable you to rebuild confidence and regain full control.

He doesn't call the shots anymore, the cards are all in your hands.

Get a cheap pay as you go phone and only allow him to text that number. Check it when you want to or need to. Be polite and facilitate contact at times convenient to you but don't insist on it. If he doesn't want to support or see his own children, he is clearly just a waste of space.

grounddown Sun 10-Jan-16 11:59:47

You are all right. I don't need him and he's so unreliable I don't ask him for anything.
I will continue with the maintenance claim and what will be will be. In the meantime I think I'll gry

grounddown Sun 10-Jan-16 12:00:33

Get some help with my self esteem to help me continue to be strong - It feels good!

russetbella1000 Mon 11-Jan-16 23:59:35

Yes definitely email & filter to a folder which means you decide when you read it & he can't just 'ping' into your life whenever he feels...I have also blocked texts on occasion & asked for everything to email but then reestablish once he gets message & obv whenever dd with him -it's often just about control, yawn...Good luck

russetbella1000 Tue 12-Jan-16 00:02:55

Agree with creme brûlée-just react to him like an emotionless automaton-stick to facts and engage only with them. Do not rely on him. If he makes contact fine, if he doesn't fine too-it doesn't change your role as mother and facilitator of contact...That's how I see myself. I don't link to him at all only my daughter :0) it's very liberating.

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