Explaining to child

[EggnogOgg]

I have a DS who has very limited, indirect contact with his father. I split with ex when DS was a tiny baby, due to DA. Ex sent an email (I've put a thread in relationships about that), and I've told DS "Dad emailed, says merry Christmas, I think he's sad your grandad died). (DS doesn't know grandad, and is well acquainted with the loss of people he actually knows and loves, so the death of someone he doesn't doesn't upset him all that much.)

Tonight, DS has been in tears about why his dad doesn't see him, after I tried to explain, he said "I just don't feel special. Why doesn't he visit?" All I can say is that I don't know, and that he didn't come to court when contact was to be arranged.

I'm struggling here. I need to preserve DS's self esteem, but don't want to say anything negative about his dad. How to deal with these conversations? Any tips?

[starry0ne]

I did post on your other thread..

My Ds hasn't seen his Dad since he was 3...

We do revist it every now and again...

I have always been honest him... just at an age appropriate level...

Things I would say after reading your other thread.. I would not send any updates to Ex..If he wants to know about his DS he needs to ask...

I wouldn't pass on a Merry Christmas email message.. It just opens up a wound for no reason in my mind.. The Grandad thing is just excuse making..He hasn't bothered before..I don't think your DS should have to deal with any of your Ex's feelings...

I have told my Ds ( we left due to DV) we left because I thought we would be happier on our own...

We have had the he misses him...I have told him he doesn't remember him..

I think with your DS comments I would also tell him...He is very special and how special he is to you and ........ His Dad didn't get to know him so doesn't know how special he is...

I also think there is a difference between making excuses for a ex and slagging them off... I have told my Ds how angry I was when he kept letting Ds down.. Now I have moved on and feel nothing..I don't care if his Dad is happy or miserable I focus on the people who do matter in our life.. My Ds and me..