My boyfriend dumped me when I was eight months pregnant with our first child, having cheated on me when I was six months pregnant. He refused to talk to me during the final month of my pregnancy and I pretty much fell apart. My world was just destroyed. For the first three months of our son's life, however, he was relatively involved. He lives abroad and flew to see DS once a month, but skyped every few days and texted constantly to ask how 'we' were doing. Of course, it was the weirdest, most heart-breaking thing, having to see him/speak to him as an estranged partner when we had been together so very recently and were so looking forward to our lives as parents.
Then, at Christmas, I said something he didn't like - that I hoped in the future he would spend more time with DS - and all hell broke loose. He called me up and told me 'until you grow up and stop playing games, I won't come to visit (our son), EVEN IF I'M LONDON.' And essentially, he kept good on that. Since December, he has seen DS for ONE HOUR. That's one hour in eight months.
Now, here's the strange part, which I appreciate may not endear me to other single mothers - my son's father pays for everything and I mean literally everything, including a nanny four days a week so I can work. That's an awful lot of money, especially in London. So the thing that gets me is why the hell or what the hell is he paying for? I speak to his friends and family, who assure me that he WILL have a better relationship with our son when he's older, he just doesn't feel that our son 'needs' him right now. So that, combined with the 'payments' makes me feel like I'm somehow 'incubating' DS, raising him until he's of interest to his father. The fact that I'm not 'allowed' to make any comments or criticisms relating to his quite frankly hideous behaviour for fear of him disappearing completely makes things even worse.
On a personal level, I also feel a lot of shame - it's not something I want to make public, that this man who I loved so much unceremoniously dumped me just before our baby was due. People always ask me how the father is and sometimes I tell the truth and other times, I just say he's fine. It's just not how I planned my life to be and the shock to the system is just sometimes too much to bear. I try to make sense of it - he flew thousands of miles to attend EVERY SINGLE pre natal appointment - and now, hasn't seen our son for 8 months? I just can't fathom it.
I come from a divorced home and my parents have the most incredible, supportive relationship, so I know that it CAN be done and I've been determined from day one to ensure that the door is always open. Since December, I've sent my son's father fortnightly pictures, videos and updates - 99% of which he ignores. It just breaks my heart every time. Sometimes the lack of response hurts so much I decide to stop - then my parents and friends tell me that I must continue, to keep that connection between them and avoid an 'out of sight, out of mind' scenario.
It's now a year since he dumped me and I'm not much closer to healing. I can't do the normal things that I used to do when a relationship ended - go out, get drunk and...well...you can imagine! I also feel completely handcuffed because I feel that I can't ever express my true feelings towards him, in terms of what he's done to me/ us. He's already made it very clear that he's willing to punish our son in order to punish me, so I just feel that I have to keep my mouth firmly shut, which is so incredibly frustrating. Added to that - and I can't deny this - I do fear that if I say anything that he'd consider 'out of line', he'd withdraw his financial support, which would be very challenging indeed for me. But it's not by any means my first concern - my first concern is that my gorgeous boy grows up knowing his daddy, knowing that he was planned, wanted and born out of love. In my heart of hearts, I do believe that his father will, if not come good, come better - but in the meantime, god it hurts. He's coming to London to spend two days with DS in a couple of weeks - of course, I will have to be there all the time as there's no way I'm leaving DS with a total stranger - which his father is. Any advice on how to manage the visit - and the general feelings of impotence, struggling with my anger and not having an outlet for it - would be gratefully appreciated! Sorry for the essay :-)
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Dumped when 8 month pregnant...one year later...the pain and anger haven't gone away....
19 replies
boyboyanddogboy · 04/08/2015 21:01
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