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Ex following me

(20 Posts)
meh888 Mon 29-Jun-15 11:50:20

My ex and I split up about a year ago. I ended it as I was very unhappy and fell out of love. My ex was convinced that I had left him for someone else. This was not the case and after several conversations he said he believed me. The past few months he has been walking and driving past my house in order to see if I have any male friends over. I have my friends, males and females, over most evenings when ds is in bed. My ex has been saying that he doesn't want ds around my male friends as he doesn't want another male influencing him. He has already said that I can't have a new partner until ds is older (he is 5). I'm fed up with hearing from him oh you had so and so around last night then again, I saw his car. I feel like being stalked and it is really affecting me. He claims he is entitled to check as he has the right to check ds welfare and that my male friends shouldnt be influencing him, the only male that should be influencing him is him.Ds isn't affected by any of my friends and is in bed most of the time. I'm so fed up of this as he drives past most nights. I feel like going to the police

OP’s posts: |
JinglyJanglyJungleBigGameTours Mon 29-Jun-15 11:52:54

I think you'd be totally reasonable to go to the police. It sounds like his behaviour will be covered under either stalking or harassment laws.

Floundering Mon 29-Jun-15 11:56:55

Give the police his reg number & details (ring 101) and ask them to have a quiet word.

If it persists then get advice on a restraining order.

Has the stupid git got nothing better to do with his time? What does he do when DS is with him or does he not have access visits yet?

FenellaFellorick Mon 29-Jun-15 11:58:58

you should go to the police.

your ex has no right to tell you who you can and cannot have in your life.

I bet if you were to tell him he was to have no female contact he'd not go along with that!

This is about controlling you.

I hope he isn't the only male influence on your son, tbh.

PinkFlamingoAteMyLipstick Mon 29-Jun-15 12:03:27

He's not entitled to stop you having any friends or relationships regardless of potential influences over DS. It seems like his behaviour is controlling and aimed at you rather than ds. If it were me I would be keeping a record (recordings?) of all communications that prove he his doing this then firmly tell him in writing to stop. I'd take legal advice and perhaps get a solicitor to write the letter so he knows he would be taken to court if he doesn't stop the harassment.

Floundering Mon 29-Jun-15 15:32:51

Oh and restrict your contact with him, he is getting you rattled and that's what he's getting off on.

Set up a gmail address just for his emails so you can ignore them if you are not feeling strong. Tell him you are not entering into any discussion about your friends or future relationships, but only need to communicate about your DS. (times,dates for contact etc no convo just facts)

Ignore the other crap, if he gets a reaction he will continue, if he doesn't he'll get bored.

meh888 Mon 29-Jun-15 17:38:25

He has ds every other weekend and a night in the week. We didn't go to court as he wanted us ro sort it out. He hardly pays anything towards ds. He says he would want more contact if I'm having male friend s around ds but I feel this is an unreasonable ask as if I didn't have male friends my ex wouldn't be asking. He threatens court if basically I don't comply. I feel really in the middle I don't want to stop seeing my friends they have really helped me but I'm fed up with the comments and him checking up on me ( or ds as he says).

OP’s posts: |
Starlightbright1 Mon 29-Jun-15 21:21:48

You need to log it with the police but also stop any communication that is not about your DS...He does not have these rights over you

Floundering Wed 01-Jul-15 13:15:21

EOW & one night in the week is standard. Go on the CMA (old CSA) website & see what you should be getting.

butterflygirl15 Sat 04-Jul-15 10:28:00

threatens court and doesn't pay enough maintenance? does he really think he will get more contact? Can he afford to take you to court? And was he abusive while you were with him?

Please call the police and claim child maintenance officially. He has no right to tell you who you can and cannot spend time with. Has he texted/emailed you regarding this?

meh888 Sat 04-Jul-15 15:34:46

He probably couldn't afford court but I wouldn't know for definite. He never touched me but was emotional (not that he agrees that he was). He thinks he will get 50/50 even tho he works late and I work in a school so only during term time
He says I don't deserve any money from him as I left him. He has the house that we brought but can't afford to buy me out year. He says he will.make it difficult to get my money if I claim CSA and that. I fear that he would take me to.court or even not return ds if I don't do as he asks. If I'm honest I am fearful of him. Ds is my world and he has such a good routine as its been like this contact for a year now. I am scared that he would get shared care even though its not really feasible due to his work etc. I haven't got text but I keep a journal of all contact and conversations

OP’s posts: |
butterflygirl15 Sat 04-Jul-15 17:15:08

how would he make it difficult - Child Maintenance will just be taken from his salary and he won't have any choice.

You must not let his threats stop you doing what is right. You need Women's Aid and a solicitor.

Have you spoken to the police yet?

Atenco Sat 04-Jul-15 20:15:51

He is being horribly controlling, OP, and he must have really ground you down when you were together for you to still be letting him push you around.

You definitely need a good solicitor

Floundering Tue 07-Jul-15 11:45:19

Maintenance is for HIS offspring not for you - what is it with these bloody men and the idea of contributing to their welfare ???

Also contact is for the benefit of the child NOT the parents, so if he starts mucking around throw that at him.

I would get the CMA website up & work out what he should be paying, and show him (or send him a copy) and tell him that your son deserves that and it is for HIM not for you. If he won't pay more cash would he agree to paying for new shoes when needed, a winter coat etc as needed?

If he sees it going on his son direct t might be easier ( not that you should have to descend to tactics like that but....)

Make it all about your DS not you, he is trying to make you suffer,(even if he is pretend indifference) show him it isn't but reflect how bad it is for your son, the example he sets and the animosity will drive him (DS) away as he gets older.

meh888 Wed 08-Jul-15 12:57:51

I have tried showing him how much he should be paying (£140pm) and he has said if I go to the CSA he will take me to court. I cannot afford court nor am I able to get any help. I can't bare the thought of having to go through it and changing the contact we have in place for DS. DS has a good routine and is settled, he struggles a bit to leave me, but is happy. I said about contributing to clothes, shoes, school uniform etc. He just said that anything he contributed to would stay at his and that he buys things for DS at his house so he is not contributing for items that will be staying at mine. This has meant me paying nearly £100 for new shoes and school uniform last week by myself.
In the past year he has paid about £200-£250 towards childcare. He says that he would go for 50/50 access if he has to pay more. The past year he has had EOW and a night in the week and extra for birthdays/holidays etc. But He works until 6-7pm and I work school hours so shared contact isn't really a good idea in my opinion, but I am scared the court would see it the other way. I have never stopped contact, and even though DS has refused to go on some occasions I always encourage him etc.
The only thing holding me back is fear of courts. But you are all right, he was controlling in our relationship and it doesn't feel like much has changed. Maybe I am a coward, but he knows all he has to do is mention court and I'll back down.

OP’s posts: |
butterflygirl15 Wed 08-Jul-15 16:29:14

a court is not likely to increase his contact - he is using court as a way of blackmailing you into not claiming the money.

I think you should go ahead and contact child maintenance - stand up for yourself. And if he does take you to court then cross that bridge when you come to it.

He is a bully and you shouldn't back down.

butterflygirl15 Wed 08-Jul-15 16:30:03

oh and get legal advice about the house too - otherwise you won't see a penny of that either.

SoulSista85 Mon 13-Jul-15 18:49:47

At the very least this is stalking and harrassment, which is against the law. Log absolutely every incident with 101 - the police will take you seriously and act upon your reports. 999 if your gut tells you to.

Behaviours much the same as what you are describing ultimately led to my exes restraining order.

Go straight through CMS as, by the sounds of things, he has no intention of providing, whatsoever and is using his paternity as a grip to keep you in line.

Source: personal experience.

Elfdoor Tue 14-Jul-15 09:23:58

Difficulty with this type of harassment is can you prove it, the comments about who was at your house are they via text or just verbal?
Whilst police can give a warning to him often with controlling men like this they ignore it and continue, my ex watched my house when we split in 2009 I got CCTV on the house his face was a picture when he realised.

If I was you call his bluff, say fine take me to court, then go to CSA and make him pay. Have you got good reasons for care not to be 50/50, one reason you said is he works late... How can he do that if he had His son?

Log the stalking with police, get them to warn him but if it needs to be taken further than that it may be a struggle to prove.
This can be raised in court, so long as your not behaving in a way that could be harmful to your child emotionally who you have over is up to you.

Men who like to control hate it when you stand upto them so get ready for a back lash but if you don't stand up to him he will do this for a long time to come.

HopLittleBunny Tue 14-Jul-15 09:41:39

Watching your house and telling you who has been coming and going is stalking. The onus will be on you to prove it, sadly, but this may be possible if you reduce verbal contact. That way either he will back off so as not to leave a paper trail of his actions (win) or he will hand you the evidence you need to take to the police (win). If you do have texts or emails from him stating the comings and goings from your house, and get him charged, because you were previously in a relationship it will be classed as domestic abuse. Because it is. Just because you aren't with him anymore doesn't mean he isn't still able to abuse you. If you have evidence of domestic abuse (a stalking or harassment charge against him) then that should be sufficient to allow you to get legal aid. You then have that as back up if he does take you to court, knowing you will have representation, which will help remove that worry about court and reduce the impact the threats of court can have on you.

As others have said, he is doing this to rattle you. By cutting verbal contact you will remove that power from him. It doesn't have to be done confrontationally, you could say you'd forgotten to pass on a couple of minor, inconsequential things to him lately, or misunderstood something he had said, so think it is best if everything is done in writing from now on so everyone is clear on what is happening. This has the added bonus that if you do need to go to the police, you can show that you have asked him to not contact you except in writing and relation to DS, so anything other than that which he does is unrequested communication.

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