No Daddy on Fathers Day AGAIN

[StockingFullOfCoal]

This is the third year in a row now that exDP has put his DPs birthday before spending time with our DDs. He hasn't spent Fathers Day with them since they were 2YO and 6MO. Since we were a couple, basically.

His DP isn't involved with our DDs "doesn't do kids" apparently. Ffs.

He "didn't know" FD was the 21st. He does, he's been ignoring my emails about it for weeks. They are going on holiday for her birthday. Again.

Its just "one day" he says... Wonder if he'd take that view about birthdays, or Christmas.

DDs are heartbroken again (he dropped this on them yesterday) and I'm fuming.

[lottiegarbanzo]

I don't mean to be insensitive but why do your dds think fathers' day is such a big deal? Have they got that from school / nursery, or from you?

It's a recently invented Hallmark holiday. As a child of divorced parents, with a good relationship and regular contact with my non-resident dad, albeit i'm now 40 so a child in the 70s-80s, I don't think I ever did anything for fathers' day and was barely aware of it.

[StockingFullOfCoal]

My eldest DD especially loves any and all celebratory days, Hallmark, traditional or otherwise, 6 and 4 year olds don't know the difference. Its made a big deal of at school, and the ex made a big deal of it when we were a couple. I just find it annoying how his priorities have shifted now we're not a family unit.

[lottiegarbanzo]

But surely she can't remember it from when she was two? I appreciate much more is probably made of it at school now than used to be the case. They should be sensitive to DCs without resident or any functional father though, it's not uncommon. Is there a grandfather or other relative they could focus upon?

As a child, a far back as I can remember ever thinking about it, I'd have told you my DF forfeited any right to have fathers' day recognised when he left us. Similarly i never moved from daddy to dad but called him by his first name instead, from about five. I was very clear about my mother being my immediate family and my dad important but less so, (whatever anyone else wanted me to think, though there may well have been some, very understandable, maternal influence there. Also I was as pedantic and driven more by a sense of justice than emotion then, as now, so this may all just be my peculiar perspective). I always did something for his birthday though, they are much more significant events.

So frankly, I think his DP's birthday is more important than a made up celebration of something he doesn't prioritise anyway. It's a great time of year to go on hols, if you're not tied to school hols, too. He's made his choice there. I think you need to steer your DCs in that direction. He is their dad but, as he's not resident and has chosen a life with someone uninterested in children, fathers' day isn't as important for them to recognise as it would be for a father who is there looking after them every day.

Essentially, if he's not going to live up to some slightly romanticised (in the sense of dreamy) expectations, you need to help them lower their expectations, gently.

If he prioritised her birthday over a DC's birthday, that would be another matter entirely.

[StockingFullOfCoal]

He has always refused to see them on their birthdays, last year he wouldn't even call our eldest after he promised her he would because he was out with her having dinner and therefore too busy to call. This year her bday falls on his weekend (Friday) and so he will actually see her.

My parents are divorced. My "mother" blocked contact at every opportunity whilst rinsing my DFather financially, emotionally and mentally. I have been NC with her for all of my adult life, ever since I turned 16 and moved in with my DF. She was an alcoholic, abusive nightmare. I don't want to go into further detail, suffice to say I swore I would never be like her (exDP left me for this girl, who had only just turned 19 at the time.) I guess I just find it frustrating that he has opportunities with his children that most of my NRP male friends would give a leg for, and he just squanders them.

Him not being resident doesn't change the fact that he's their father, and has responsibilities towards them.

Imagine a mother going on holiday over Mothers Day for her new partners birthday every year and upsetting her children, she'd be vilified.

I've already said we will Skype my Dad and go visit my Grandad, as we do every year.

[StockingFullOfCoal]

I disagree that it is a romanticised view, this is bog standard basic to be expected behaviour from a father.