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36 weeks pregnant and my boyfriends left me

(14 Posts)
ADavid94 Fri 10-Apr-15 16:15:48

My boyfriend or ex has left me at 9 months pregnant. I'm due in 3 weeks. We was together almost 3 years I'm 20 and he's 24. He has cheated on me before a lot but I took him back cause I loved him. He's just said he's not happy and dosnt want to be with me.

About 6 months after meeting him I fell pregnant and he asked me to keep it then changed his mind at 14 weeks saying he wanted nothing to do with the baby. He was awful back then and done some horrible things I had no money I had no job or house and I felt I couldn't do it on my own. I ended up getting a termination and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I was only 18 and I didn't know what to do.

I stayed with him after because of the guilt but I resented him I done it because I loved him and I thought he loved me. He made the promise that one day when he was ready we'd be a family. After that he never would speak about it and I just became ill I didn't cope well with it.

I was really depressed even now about it. When I found out I was pregnant again I broke down I was petrified I knew I couldn't go threw a termination again. I was surprised when he said he wanted to keep it.

At first he was really good but then he started to go out a lot. Every weekend he'd for out every Friday and Saturday drinking. He would go to after parties sometimes and not come home till 10am next day. He'd get really angry quickly with me over tiny things. I thought it was cause he was stressed.

He didn't and still hasn't saved any money for the baby id ask him he'd lie to me about it as well. I bought everything for the baby. Eventually he gave me £200 to buy some things. I was always scared he would change his mind and try make me get rid of it again.

At 8 months pregnant I found out he was doing some illegal stuff (selling drugs) even though he has a really good job. so I finished with him hoping if he lost what he kept saying was his family he'd wise up and stop. After that it was as if he changed. We did get back together but hed say he needed space and wouldn't talk to me for days then he'd be fine again.

After about 4 weeks I asked him straight up what was going on. He said he wasn't happy and didn't know what he wanted that it was my fault cause I'm a crazy and I shouldn't of finished with him.

He ignored me for a few days but texted me calling me a slut asking who I was with then he blocked my number completely but today he turned up at my house I went outside and I wouldn't let him in at first but he took my keys off me and let himself in.

He was being really nice kept hugging me and feeling the bump. I ended up sleeping with him cause he kept trying I told him no but gave him because I really did miss him. He said he wasn't using me that he really did want to come see me. He left pretty much straight after became cold soon as he got what he wanted. When he was here he checked my phone made me promise I hadn't met anyone since he finished it.

When he was leaving I asked him what he wanted and he said he didn't know. He said he still cared for me but right now didn't want to be with me. He said he wasn't meeting anyone else but I know this is a lie.

I love him so much and I want him to come back I want to be a family. I have antenatal depression so when I was with him I did cry a lot. He said until I stopped being a crazy he couldn't be with me. I asked him why he stopped loving me and he said he didn't know that he couldn't help how he felt.

I've got a lot of things finances under my name for him that was meant to be for us like a car cause he has really bad credit. I've asked him to give me the stuff back cause I can't have that debt under my name now but he refused.

I'm so embarrassed and I don't know what to do. I hadn't planned anything with out him I will have to go back to work sooner than I thought cause I don't have enough money to stay off but I don't have enough for childcare and rent etc.

He only has to give me £100 a month and that's all I checked on the government website. I cry every day and he just didn't seem worried. What should I do? He dosent want me but I dunno what to do without him.

NoToast Fri 10-Apr-15 18:13:52

I'm really sorry to hear this has happened, it must feel very difficult right now.

This part of the site is usually quite quiet and you may get a lot more responses and support if you re-post in relationships.

You sound to me as though you have your head screwed on, you work, you can get credit, you've got everything organised for the baby. Being single isn't going to be so hard for you because you've been doing everything already. You will be able to get tax credits to help out financially and they may be more than you think.

Focus on the little one, they are going to be a huge source of joy and love for you. Yes, sometimes it's hard being a single parent but the good times far outweigh the difficulties.

You don't see it right now but you and the baby are better off without your ex. Drugs? Debt? Partying? Cheating? Turns up for sex and buggers off? Not taking responsibility? He's not father material is he and he won't change for you. Rebuild a new and better life without him and be happy.

Starlightbright1 Sat 11-Apr-15 20:46:59

You are very vulnerable right now however I can tell you , be greatful this man is out your house.

This man is not going to stand up and be a Dad. My Ex got into drink and drugs when I was pregnant despite my DS been planned. You are walking on eggshells..No decent person would treat anyone like your EX has never mind someone they loved.

You and your baby deserve better.

Focus on what you need to do to prepare for the baby.

Do you have support around you?>

ADavid94 Tue 14-Apr-15 14:43:47

I have a really close big family and that's something he never had so didn't understand. I've had a lot of support from them I think they were relieved when he decided he didnt know what he wanted.

I haven't begged him back because I don't know if I could cope with him or the fear he would leave again. I never done anything bad to him whislt I was with him he even adknowledged that it was just I was depressed about the termination it was something I didn't want to do. I guess I just was never what he wanted.

I hadn't heard anything from his mum but she called me today upset saying she was scared she wouldn't get to see the baby. I won't lie his family hasn't showed a lot of interest in the baby from the start so I was shocked she was so upset. I was really more shocked she thought I'd stop her from seeing the baby.

She told me that even though he was her son he was wrong for what he was doing and that she didn't agree with him. That he was a dick basically. She said she wasn't taking his side at all but wasn't getting involved. I was glad she called so I could explain to her what was really happening.

She said to me even if he came back that I shouldn't let him. He called me later asking to meet up tomorrow and if he'd called a few days ago I'd of jumped at the chance but now I honestly don't know if I want to meet him.

I love him but I don't know if loves enough some people are just toxic with certain people and I think he did take advantage of me a lot of the time. I have lived on my own since I was 16. I have always worked apart from when I was made redundant at 18 it took a few months before I found another job it was hard having no money alone so I can't imagine what it would be like with a baby.

I'm not scared anymore I'm just more embarrassed. I also feel guilty for putting the baby through all this before it's even born. Id be upset if I can't give the Baby everything he deserves.

Should I meet my ex and hear him out or just leave it I've only got 19 days left till the baby is due.

notquitegrownup2 Tue 14-Apr-15 15:13:09

The baby deserves love and support, caring parent(s) who respect each other and him/her. Don't worry about giving the baby the things that he deserves. First try to build your home for your baby with the really good things in life - peace, love, kindness, happiness . . . .

Your ex with his drugs, switching his mind every five minutes, making you have an abortion, running up debts in your name and refusing to return the things to you - he does not sound like a recipe for happiness for you or your little one. It's especially worrying that as soon as you become strong enough to stand on your own feet, he then wants to talk to you. He seems worried when you start to become stronger

If he really loved you and this baby, he would be on the doorstep with a huge bag of things that his baby will need in the next few months, begging you to let him back, promising you all the support in the world, and doing stuff, not just talking about it, to show you how sorry he is. Actions speak a whole lot louder than words.

It's brilliant that you have a supportive family around you. Don't feel embarrassed about being a single mum. It wasn't your choice but it is so much better than being in a stressful relationship. It's tough at times, but you will find a lot of support on here if you do decide to go it alone.

I think you deserve some time to relax, to focus on giving birth, to decide what you want to do, when you are ready to make that decision. There's no hurry at all. (I don't think that this chap is going to disappear. Once he sees you getting on with your life, and growing stronger, he will want to get back in there. Question is, will you have worked out by then that you can survive thrive, without him?)

Best of luck

ADavid94 Tue 14-Apr-15 22:53:35

I think I will just not contact him and if he try's to ask about meeting again I will just politely decline. I don't think there is anything left to say. He made his decision and the way he has acted on it was terrible.

He's not terrible for not wanting to be with be but the way he's went about it I think is wrong. I've never felt so strong before and I think it is because I have to think of the baby. It will be hard but worth it!

NoToast Tue 14-Apr-15 23:28:01

I was frightened about being a single parent and beyond embarrassed that I'd fucked up (in my eyes). I struggled on in a crap relationship, giving and giving until I hit breaking point.

My biggest regret around breaking up is that I waited so long. I really wish I'd gone before DD was born and it would have been better for her.

You're doing really well, it's natural to want the best for your little one but really they just need a few basics met and lots of love.

Who is going to be with you at hospital for the birth?

ADavid94 Wed 15-Apr-15 00:05:10

I think my mum. My ex has said he wanted to be at the birth and also that if I didn't give the baby his last name it wouldn't feel like his son. But I'm not sure if I will allow him in the room yet I will need to see how I feel I'm not sure if I feel comfortable with him there after everything.

Lonz Wed 15-Apr-15 12:03:19

I was in a similar situation, ex left when I was 14 weeks, he cheated too. My ex has absolutely no rights over my son. Nothing.

It might seem impossible right now, but it will get easier and it will be easier if he is out of your life. He's causing you stress that you really don't need right now, and can't make up his mind if he wants to be a dad when you have to deal with it on your own. If he's not in it from the beginning then he doesn't deserve anything! You may be relieved when he's gone but you wont know it now.

If you don't feel comfortable with him being in the room, if you're not with him, then don't allow him to be in the room. It's your choice, not his. You need to feel safe.

It wont feel like his son if the baby doesn't have his name? What? What about all the women that are forced to put the dads name on the birth certificate when they're the ones that did all the work!
Obviously it's your choice but he really doesn't seem like he even deserves it! Double-barrel the name if you need to (your name first). It's your baby too! He can't just do-dally around then expect you to "respect" his name when he can't be f*cking bothered. No. Sorry.

Feckeggblue Wed 15-Apr-15 12:15:14

He sounds awful OP. Just awful. Please take this opportunity to get rid of him. I take it you don't live together? Block his number (and his mums) if you can, and spend these 3 weeks nesting and doing all you need for babies arrival. Concentrate on your baby. Seems like you have great family support and that's wonderful.

I understand why you'd feel embarrassed but never forget- most people aren't that interested in others and time will make this go away. It will. You just have to get through it

ADavid94 Wed 15-Apr-15 12:23:23

No he still lives at home with his mum but I live alone I've lived away from my family home since I was 16. Im moving abit outside the city I live cause houses were a lot cheaper rent etc than central so I'm moving this week. Il be away from my family but they drive so have said will come all the time.

My ex knows I'm moving just not where. I don't want him coming to door. where I live at the moment he's just 5 minutes down the road so I'm always scared il see him. I'm not going to tell him my new address till we are more civil in a few months.

Feckeggblue Wed 15-Apr-15 12:34:48

You sound so strong and amazing!

lolojane Fri 03-Jul-15 06:24:53

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