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Exh nasty comments about eldest child. So upset.

(8 Posts)
Weloveoptimus Sun 25-Jan-15 22:26:58

Hi all, my youngest has been out today with exh and his partner. She's lovely and my two have have a good relationship with her, as do I.
My ex husband was a bully and it was an emotionally abusive situation whilst we were married (divorced in 2012 after nearly four years of tooting and froing with solicitors etc)
Anyway we have moved on beautifully and I have my team, the kids aged 8 and 15.
My son remembers a lot of what we went through through the marriage and sadly has a stilted relationship with exh. So tonight my daughter gets dropped off (ds didn't want to go) and exh asks how ds's mocks have been going. Ds says about been moved up a group in maths etc and a few other stuff and then says he has to have an extra few sessions in another subject to catch up.
At once the mood is changed as exh says 'well so you are shit then? That means you're shit (he was laughing) I was stunned and froze like it was when he lived here.
I just want ds to feel confident and happy and loved, and in a moment that man can come along and ruin things.
I won't let him of course, but how can I help ds know that those comments mean nothing from someone who's bitterness rules his mouth? Feel so very sad and just wanted to tell someone.
Thanks for listening.

fattymcfatfat Sun 25-Jan-15 22:34:10

These comments are very hurtful. I know its tough but if he says it again you need to say no hes not....he is doing fab etc...my dad called me a b**ch when I was 12. It tore me apart then when I got pregnant at 16 he called me a slag etc and told me I would never cope... ( 7 yrs and another child plus a pregnancy to the same guy kind of prove my dad wrong, although we have now split) and if it wasnt for my mum disregarding his comments in front of him and me I dont know how I would have been. Having my mum stick up for me really helped and showed me that even though he had said those things it didnt make it true. Good luck

Weloveoptimus Sun 25-Jan-15 23:19:49

Thanks. You're right. I'm really pissed off with myself for not immediately jumping down his neck. He said it laughing, but so horrible.
It was as if I was transported back when we all lived under the same roof!
It was good to shut the door when he was going and think 'bye!'
Sadly ds has just come and said he only went to the door when he was going to have a hug, and all he got was that.

fattymcfatfat Mon 26-Jan-15 00:00:37

Its obviously a very difficult situation for you. Dont beat yourself up. You were just as shocked as your ds, and it can be difficult as you never know if it will escalate into an argument... (in which case I would just say goodbye and close the door!).... I really feel for your ds but from what I can tell he has a very loving, caring and supportive mother so he will be fine. My little brother has bever had anything good said about him by my dad.(he was just an accident and never wanted apparently) Hes now 21 and works two jobs...my dad is nearly 49 and doesnt work, so it just proves that they dont need a man to become a man!

May09Bump Mon 26-Jan-15 00:17:56

I was told by my parents (who sabotaged my a levels by throwing me out) and teachers that I was crap. I self studied through my GCSE's , got good results. Worked all kinds of jobs and got professional qualifications, leading to a top level job. He has one good parent and he is progressing in school which is great. I think you both need counselling to help with past bullying and also techniques of how to deal with the little shit. I won't call him a man or a father, as he clearly isn't either.

How old is DS - can he decide whether he still wants contact?

Get some help on how to minimise his behaviour or if possible stop contact.

BlackeyedSusan Mon 26-Jan-15 00:24:24

your ds is working extra hard at a n area he is weaker in. this shows he is persistent, hard working and willing to acknowledge where he needs to improve and take those steps to improve. this is more than your ex who can not see he has a porblem and will therefore be forever condemned to sit in mediocrity.

your ds thinks the best of people and is willing to give them a chance. your ex on the other hand only wants to hurt people with his words or is too socially inept to kow that words hurt.

your ds has learned self control... (presuming here that he did not lash out at ex.) unfortunatley your ex has not.

sounds like your ds is already more of a man than his father.

FireflyLight Mon 26-Jan-15 10:51:11

If he ever says something similar again I'd ask him if he thinks saying such things are appropriate when your son is gearing up for his GCSE's. I'd be reminding him that as a father he's meant to be supportive of his son and show encouragement. Tell him if he can't say anything along those lines then it's best not to say anything at all.

I know somebody very similar to your ex and they like nothing more than to belittle and put a downer on people. The sad thing is, I think it's because their life is so shit that they feel the need to be so horrid to others.

Just keep encouraging your DS and being as supportive as you are. At the end when he gets his results he can smile with the knowledge that he got to where he is with your help and his effort at school.

He doesn't need someone who only offers something toxic in his life.

Weloveoptimus Tue 27-Jan-15 08:03:25

Thanks so much everyone. It really has helped.
Your comments about ds being more of a man than ex are spot on Black, and lovely to hear!
Firefly you really do know my ex don't you!? Heh heh. Thank you.
May you have been through the mill. You've done amazing.
Fattym thank you. Your brother and yourself are survivors.
I feel much much better and able to handle this now.
My dad, ds's grandad has had a lovely morale boosting natter with ds too.
Thanks again.

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