Confused and in need of opinions please

[Montessorisam]

I split from husband last May...we have had loads of problems over the years and things had become unpleasant, aggressive and abusive during the last stages. It has been an unpleasant break up which involved police as he wouldn't leave me alone and began to threaten to 'destroy me'....anyway...we have 3 children together who seem to be going through various stages of unacceptance of our living apart. My 12 year old tells me she feels sick everyday (anxiety), my 4 year old wants mummy and daddy to get back together. Ex was drinking steadily, every night over a five year period and I think this was a huge factor in our marriage break down. He also blamed me for everything that ever went wrong. The marriage was grim in parts. And yet still I can't help but think maybe I should ask if we can try again to make it work?! Am I mad!!? I am struggling so much with the kids. It is hard being a lone parent and with all of their issues I just feel that maybe I should sacrifice my own pursuit of happiness in order to bring more happiness to their lives? Does this make sense? I have met another fella, it isn't serious but we do have some feelings for each other...I have built a new life now and go out with friends and have fun - which I didn't do before...but is it worth it? My kids are unhappy. I feel huge amounts of guilt for that. Should I soldier on or ask ex to give it another go....I think he probably would although he does say it would be hard to forgive the fact that there is now another man....Feel like I have messed up there and should have waited for my own feelings about my marriage to settle down first. HELP please!! What do you think?

[queenofthepirates]

I think that to help you make sense of your feelings towards your ex, some counselling might be a good idea. Just you, on your own to resolve some of the issues you are facing and to help you decide whether you want to go back into a marriage you have just got out of.

[Montessorisam]

Thanks. Yes, I have just started counselling but am in the very first early stages of it....hopefully it will help too.

[cestlavielife]

yes you would be mad.

the four year old is bound to want you back together it's all he knows.

you need to get into family therapy with your dd 12 - get her some support to deal with all this - ask gp to refer her .

why do you think being back together is the only way to brng happiness ot your children?
think about it - it is skewed.

your marriage was grim
he was grim.
getting back together wont fix that will it?

focus on you and your 12 year old right now she is at the age she needs a lot of support - does she get quality contact time with dad?

go to gp and get her referred for some therapy/counselling where she can get out what it is that makes her anxious - it could be the thought of you getting back together makes her anxious....

[cestlavielife]

my dds got refereed for family therapy. lot s of issues over contact with dad. he had severe mh episodes etc. it was v good, they use all sorts of tools to get things out of them, from simple things like draw your family tree to other tools and techniques. it helped a lot. didnt solve the issues but i think gave tools to deal. clarified some things. helped me to see what i was doing was ok. some sessions i was there too some not-it was dds' choice.

[Montessorisam]

Cestlavielife thanks that is a good suggestion. I will do that for her. You have given me some things to think about. Thanks

[cestlavielife]

a good therpaist asks you teh quesitons and helps you to think and see more clearly. dont make any deicsions until you have gone thru that process.
they can also really help your dd (and maybe the younger one too, at his level) to express her thoughts, fears and maybe come up with strategies/plans/things SHE wants you and/or dad to do

[Lilly82]

It is so sweet that you are even prepared to let him in your life for the sake of kids, shows what a caring mum you are, Montessorisam. But don't do it! Five years of drinking?? It won't be long everything will be same old same bad. It is very important that you are happy, and so good that you managed to build your own life, socialising and even met someone already. I am also a single mum of 15 months and 5.5. y.o. DS. You haven't messed up, probably we all go through such full of guilt moments... I certainly do. Just keep doing what you are doing, which is trying to give best care for your kids you can :-)