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Ex has been gone for 6 weeks and has introduced our children to the OW

(23 Posts)
ProphetOfDoom Thu 19-Sep-13 20:46:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 19-Sep-13 20:43:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yetanotherstatistic Thu 19-Sep-13 12:25:56

Like Balia said be thankful that he started after you broke up. My stbxh used to take dd out "to let you catch up with the housework" and spent the time with the OW. His current gf met dd 4mths before he dumped me and even now a further year on he is still not admitting that she is anything more than a family friend!

You have no control over what he does unless you can prove that they are in danger. I just refer to the OW as daddy's GF so that dd doesn't think she has to keep it a secret. I get told a lot about their relationship by dd but don't react to it so she feels there is no tension .

deepfriedsage Thu 19-Sep-13 11:14:42

Stop the emailing and texting, go to relate. Hopefully they will get him to see this is not on, too much for the dc. Please don't stop contact. I would insist he spendsat least half of contact one to one with the sc and you have the address your children are residing at. Put that request in writing and bring to relate.

Sasquatch75 Thu 19-Sep-13 10:46:42

Forgot to add that I texted him last night and he's agreed to a mediation meeting with Relate.

Owllady Thu 19-Sep-13 10:43:14

My dad used to do this (he had many girlfriends <sigh> ) it is really insensitive and I would have a word but I agree that you shouldn't stop contact. It's incredibly insensitive and very selfish of him to do though

Sasquatch75 Thu 19-Sep-13 10:39:18

All along I've said to him that I want him to have lots of contact with the boys. I've been the one making it happen as he just didn't seem that bothered. I know I'm hurting a lot and I know that the boys need to see him but I'm just so worried about the future. I was absolutely fine about it all until Monday. I don't want them to hurt any more than they already do :'(

I've ordered us both a copy of a book called Putting children first which should arrive tomorrow. Hopefully he can read it at the weekend and I will too. My boys are my number one priority.

JumpingJackSprat Thu 19-Sep-13 07:57:23

i dont think you should use your children as a weapon to try and control him. they need a relationship with their father even if you arent with him any more. realistically theres nothing you can do about it if he isnt at his parents at the weekend.

Lonecatwithkitten Thu 19-Sep-13 07:53:15

Sasquatch cold hard honest advice if you cut contact for this and it ends up in court it will reflect badly on you.
Sadly there are certain things over which you have to sit on your hands over and this is one them. I have had the legal advice on this and the house. If he is still on the mortgage or lease changing the locks is a bad idea, as unless there has been violence he is entitled to access.
I know how horribly hard it is and it hurts like hell, but don't do anything that might affect any future court action. You never know how these things are going to pan out.

HeySoulSister Thu 19-Sep-13 07:35:23

If it's a joint mortgage don't change the locks!

Also, by cutting contact mid week, isn't that punishing the dc?

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps Thu 19-Sep-13 07:28:35

My Dad did this when I was six. Took me round to her house and told us she was his 'friend' which I knew was absolute bullshit even then. At that point, leaving my mum for a lady with other kids that he'd rather live with and lying to his own children, I lost absolutely all respect for him. Proceeded to have quite a difficult relationship with him for ten years and then packed it all in, I haven't seen him since.

Your children will know. They won't be accepting of it at heart. I feel for you so much.

Sasquatch75 Thu 19-Sep-13 07:20:24

I've told him exactly what I think of him in a loonng email but he didn't reply. Obviously knew I was right.

I haven't spoken to him properly since he left - can't even look at him. And this was before I knew about the OW! I suspected her for months but he always denied it. Money is all sorted. I am getting the locks changed today as I feel I can't trust him and he still has a front door key. Ignores my texts asking for it back.

He is living with his boss as far as I know, although it wouldn't surprise me if he moves in with OW and doesn't bother getting his own place!

I told him he should be giving the DCs his undivided attention in the few hours that he has them each week! He's always said how much he loves his kids etc but now it feels like he's swapped out family for another.

deepfriedsage Wed 18-Sep-13 23:37:17

They lie about the affair so they are not ostracised for who they are.

He is beyond selfish and cruel. It takes years for children to get used to a broken family unit.

I would avoid speaking to him now, unless its about child arrangements and get money sorted straight away.

Where is he living? Why does he not want to spend time with the children? Why dilute his time with them? He sounds like a selfish knob.

balia Wed 18-Sep-13 23:26:47

Hey, at least he waited until he'd left you - mine didn't!

But honestly, although horribly painful, the DC's will cope much better if you can avoid tension and rows - if they pick up you don't like it, it will divide their loyalties. It is fairly normal at that age to be introduced to family friends etc so they won't think much of it.

Sasquatch75 Wed 18-Sep-13 22:13:18

Pmsl what a complete and utter moron!! I think my ex must think it's ok because he met her kids so early on. I just can't trust him now and have said he's not having the boys midweek again. He didn't reply to that text... He's having them this weekend and I'll be phoning his parents to make sure they're with them as planned. If he lies to me, I will kill him!!

ProphetOfDoom Wed 18-Sep-13 21:52:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sasquatch75 Wed 18-Sep-13 21:48:11

Omg lonecat that is disgusting!!! My ex told me he's been getting close to them over the last few weeks... I wondered what he did in his spare time! I can't believe OW introduced him to her own kids so early either. It's not the first time according to other friends who work with them both...

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 18-Sep-13 21:44:53

Grim, but impossible to do anything about. My ExH had first 'sleepover' with OW and DD in his house 3 days after he had left.
All I can think is this will come back to bite him when she is a teenage.

bluebeardsbabe Wed 18-Sep-13 21:44:06

In my case I know exp can legally do what he wants with dd when he has her but I have put my foot down in the past when I have felt that she is spending to much time with OW and he usually backs down even though I get a barrage of abuse from him. I'm not having my baby dd play happy families with the woman who ruined my pregnancy. Sorry having a bitter moment theresmile

But no, it is way too soon after the split to do this. Obviously just thinking about himself and not the effect this is having on dc. Just wanted to say I know how it feels.

nkf Wed 18-Sep-13 21:11:14

Grim isn't it? So sorry. We have to be the stable one. And that can be tiring too. But what can you do when people turn out to be self-centred wallies. Just do the right thing ourselves. All the best.

Sasquatch75 Wed 18-Sep-13 21:07:09

but it must be so damaging for the kids? i know that any relationship i start, will have to have been going for quite some time before i introduce him to my kids... i'd need to know it was serious and that he wouldn't just leave in a few weeks time!

givemeaboost Wed 18-Sep-13 21:01:38

Couldn't read and run, had an almost exact situation myself, he was driving her round in my car and taking the kids out with her+hers. bloody awful and bloody horrible but fk all you can actually do about it unless you feel the children are in actual danger. as everyone kept saying, hes theyre dad he can do what he wants with them in his time, but it doesn't hurt any less. selfish scumbags angry

Sasquatch75 Wed 18-Sep-13 20:56:17

I think this is totally unacceptable. I don't think he introduced her as his girlfriend, just his friend, but my 6 year old still knew it wasn't right. The first thing he said when he came home on Monday evening was 'Mummy, we went to Tom's house'. I asked who Tom was and eventually my exh told me 'it's Sarah's little boy'. WTF!!! I've been suspicious of her for a few months but he always denied having any feelings for her or seeing her. Even now he still won't admit it, but he won't deny it either, so that tells me he IS seeing her. In the end I said to him, all you have to say is Yes or No, but he wouldn't answer me. At least I finally know why he left!!!

So basically, Monday he picks the kids up from me and school (they are 2, 4 and 6), takes them to a soft play place where she just happens to be with her 2 kids. Then they all go off to her HOUSE!!! And then all out together to ASK for dinner. OMG what is he thinking. I'm still in total shock. He's not thinking about anyone apart from himself. Our children are still hoping daddy will come home!!!

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