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Newborn - father doesn't want to know. Support please

(19 Posts)
Confused40 Sat 15-Jun-13 12:52:32

Dd is almost 2 weeks old and her father doesn't want anything to do with her. He told me to abort her when I told him I was 4 weeks pregnant. That was the last time I saw him. He said don't get on contact etc as he doesn't want to know.
I texted him when dd was born letting him know about her. He replied saying his mother had passed away in April and he was abroad sorting things out and that we should both take care.
Nothing since and its killing me. I want her to know her dad and am struggling that he isn't interested.
Really could do with some support sad

Dackyduddles Sat 15-Jun-13 12:53:58

I'm so sorry about him. How's your daughter? Tell me about her? I'm listening congratulations!!! xxx

littlestressy Sat 15-Jun-13 12:55:58

I'm so sorry the father doesn't want to know. Congratulations on the birth of your daughter....tell us all about her and how things are going.
Holding your hand for support x

Confused40 Sat 15-Jun-13 12:56:23

Thank you smile
Dd is utterly adorable. Dark brown hair, lots of it, deep brown eyes and really dainty. The sweetest baby anyone could wish for.
Tears are pouring as I'm typing this. Didn't think this would affect me quite as much

rainbowfeet Sat 15-Jun-13 12:57:52

Been through exactly the same, my ds is now 16 months & I won't lie it's been tough especially the 1st few weeks (night feeds etc..) but we are very happy on our own now & with my older dd who is 10.

Concentrate on you. & your baby, take it day by day & see what happens in the future, he may well come round to the idea.

You'll get lots of support from the lone parents section on here x

SacreBlue Sat 15-Jun-13 13:13:14

My DS is coming 15 <feels like old biddy> and his F has never seen him nor, I imagine told his wider family about him.

And we are not just fine but thriving smile it seems like a long hard road ahead and it might be tough but take heart in the positives - you have a lovely, healthy baby and whatever your ex decides to do you are there for your dd and you have control of your own life.

FWIW I have witnessed the utter carnage an ex can reek on a family over contact issues, on MN are also many many threads about abusive or dismissive partners. Be present in your dd's life and try not to worry about your ex, what he will lose by missing out on your dd will be infinitely worse than anything you could inflict.

niceupthedance Sat 15-Jun-13 19:59:25

I was devastated when I told DS's father he had been born and he didn't come to see him for a month. (Actually smashed his phone so I couldn't contact him I found out later). It was horrible, I just couldn't understand how someone could not be interested in their DC. Hormones definitely made it worse.

Your ex is a shit, but your baby sounds beautiful. grin Try and focus on yourself and your new family for now. What will be will be.

Chottie Sat 15-Jun-13 20:04:50

Congratulations on the birth of your DD. Please look forward and think about your future together.

AKissIsNotAContract Sat 15-Jun-13 20:10:54

Congratulations. I'm probably feeling a bit more weepy than usual as it's Father's Day tomorrow but your post really got to me. Your daughter is so much better off without a disinterested father in her life. I grew up with a horrible dad and wasted so much effort trying to get him to notice and love me. Since I cut him out I feel free.

My mum more than made up for the crapness of my dad. I'm sure you're going to be a great mother, it really is his loss.

PollyIndia Sat 15-Jun-13 20:49:22

I haven't heard from my ex since he told me to abort at 13 weeks. Actually we did go to counselling and he said he understood my decision but still, not heard from him. He ignored my message about the birth of my baby boy. That was 8 months ago and I can honestly say, it has been the best 8 months of my life. If he rocked up tomorrow and wanted t be involved, of course I would make it work for my son's sake, but I would be secretly gutted at having to share him. I know that's horribly selfish of me.
Anyway, I just wanted to give you a positive story. Clearly it is early days, but this has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done already.
Congratulations. You and your daughter will be just fine and I think (hope) that better no dad than a shit one.

betterthanever Sat 15-Jun-13 21:02:45

Congratulations on the birth of your DD. It is a very emotional time and it can get very lonely with a new born.
My exp was the same asking me to abort but he did come round after DS was born and was abusive (as he had been before) offered no support throughout the pregnancy and then disappeared. He is back now 8 years later wanting to play superdad... I wish I had kept more evidence of how I had tried to get him involved as I'm in court and while I do have some things, he has rewitten history telling the court all sorts like he has only just found out he has a DS WTF!!
I know it isn't really why you have posted but just a word of advice - keep copies of your communications with your exp as when you do get through the difficult stages and your life has settled you don't want it all disrupted again or more importantly you don't want the life of your DD disrupting.

You may well still want your DD to have contact with her dad whenever he comes back.. as most do at some point... but try and keep things so the truth of what happened now can be presented then.. just in case.

In the meantime look after yourself and DD - I worried too much about other things and I got very sick. Make a life for yourselves. My Exp has never cared about DS not even now, it has always been about his own needs and I will not make the mistakes I made then to try and meet his needs I will only meet those of my DS and then I need to look after myself too.
Nothing you can say or do will change how your exp chooses to live his life. You are not responsible for him. It is very sad his Mum has died but his own flesh and blood has just been born and if he can't be bothered then it says a lot about him.

Confused40 Sat 15-Jun-13 21:36:11

Thank you all for you kind messages of support and many words of wisdom.
Yes it's really tough doing this alone but it is early days. I have so much love for my little one and as some of you have said I'm not having to share dd with anyone.
I struggle so much that her father doesn't want anything to do with her. I was devastated when he stopped all contact when I told him I was pregnant. I've not seen him throughout my whole pregnancy. This may sound silly, but I miss him. We used to get along so well and talked for hours. To go from that to nothing was really tough.
Yes he has just lost his mother but he's gained a daughter. Why can't he see that? Why oh why?
I'm realising I'm living in the past and need to focus on the here and now. Give my dd all my love and be there 100% for her. I divorced my ds's father when he was about 3 years old so have been a lone parent. But my DS knows his father and he has played a part in his life. My dd won't have that and it breaks my heart.

betterthanever Sat 15-Jun-13 22:33:42

Confused it is early days he may well get in touch. But please don't see that as you two may get back together, although you never know and do you really want to be with a person that gets someone pregnant and leaves.... they don't have to be in love with you to support you. Take good care of yourself and forget him for now. She doesn't even notice right now anyone but you.

queenofthepirates Sat 15-Jun-13 22:55:56

Some men are just not going to make fathers, it's terribly harsh of me to say but it's true-and it's all you and do to disentangle yourself from him emotionally and live for you and your lovely family. Liz Hurley and Heidi Klum both met men like your ex and had babies and with them so you're in good company (me too!).

In all probability this is not going to change and if it did, do you really want a man who isn't man enough to look after his pregnant partner? Now stop making excuses for him and his woefully poor behaviour and start looking after yourself. You are worth it and you will be fine. He on the other hand, is a knob and you will and can do so much better.


Confused40 Sun 16-Jun-13 16:48:27

Oh my the last comment on him being a knob really did make me laugh! You are all so very right! I can so this on my own, and am better off without him. He's been awful since I told him I was pregnant. He didn't even reply to a text message asking about medical history when I was pregnant. He's not going to change and I need to stop living in cloud cuckoo land.
I've lots of friends who are lone parents who've done a great job. I also have a friend who's daughter didn't have any contact with her father. I need to get support from all my friends and gain strength. I can and will do this on my own. A friend visited me today and she was a lone parent from when her children were very young.
I also have to look at my DS. I divorced his father when he was young and he's now off to uni in a few weeks.
I need to focus on the positives and stop looking at the negatives. I can and will do this. Yes it will be hard at times but it'll bring us closer and we'll have an unbreakable bond. You can't put a price in that!
Thanks for all your comments. I've really gained strength from them. I'm going to need a lot of support over the next few weeks though, so please send me a kind word or two. Thank you smile

queenofthepirates Sun 16-Jun-13 20:01:39

Wonderful! It sounds as though you've turned a corner, I really hope you find some peace with this situation. I've single parented on my own throughout and you know you will be fine. xxx

Confused40 Wed 19-Jun-13 10:56:52

Friend came round yesterday who brought up her dd alone after the father left her when she was 6 months pregnant. I gained so much strength from her and she was so positive about my motherhood skills. Her dd is a very successful young woman and although she did miss her father she knows her mother is 100% there for her.
I'm feeling so positive about bringing up my lo and looking at her now I'm brimming with love and affection. She will be 100% loved and cared for smile

queenofthepirates Wed 19-Jun-13 18:04:52

Good, do keep a copy of this thread so you can remember how you feel now xx

Raaraathenoisybaby Wed 19-Jun-13 21:31:55

A dear friend of mine went through this with her eldest dd. dad has never met or seen her and he also ran away abroad. Well it's his loss - her now 13 year old dd is fabulous and stunning and accomplished and an utter credit to her mother (who was v young when she had her) who brought her up alone and with style. She did it and you can too.

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