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Childcare cover when with dad

(9 Posts)
LovingSingledom Thu 01-Nov-12 21:43:42

Ds has spent alternate weekends with his dad since we separated. During my weekends and during the week with ds if I have a problem with childcare I have back up plans and people to call on.
I have received a text for ex to say he has damaged his foot and can not drive for the next three months. As a consequence he is saying he can not have ds for the full weekend. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to make arrangements for his weekends. Don't get me wrong, I don't want ds pulled from pilar to post but on the other hand he has family and friends around that ds loves spending time with.
My frustration is that I feel he is not taking full responsibility of his time with ds.

Any advice?

purpleroses Thu 01-Nov-12 22:46:51

It's taken me a long while and lots of effort to get ex to see DCs as his responsibility for the times he's supposed to have them but have made real progress. Mainly just rephrasing everything he says so that instead of simply telling me he can't have them or presenting me with his problem he asks if I could have them back early, etc. I try and help if I can but feel 10 times better being asked than simply told he can't have them.

It's taken a few years but he definitely gets it now that they are his responsibility too.

MagicHouse Thu 01-Nov-12 23:50:04

I always get "told" if exh can't have the children too. He never really took responsibilty when we were together, so it doesn't surprise me now. In my situation I would rather have the children with me, so I never say anything, because I'm always pleased to have them. (Not saying you should feel like this, I just have a difficult relationship with my exh)

You could always email him and say something like "just to clarify, are you asking me to have ds on...... dates you would normally have him... as you are unable to look after him and cannot arrange childcare for your weekend?" You could offer to swap some dates in the future, saying that as he is missing time with your ds, you are sure he'd want to make up that time with him.

FannyBazaar Thu 01-Nov-12 23:54:07

Is he actually asking you to have DS or to help or simply stating that he can't have him the whole time? If the latter, perhaps ask what arrangements he is making and leave it to him to get back.

It would be nice if we could always give the other parent first refusal on having time with the children when we can't care for them ourselves. I no longer ask my ex if I am ill or have other commitments as I have other more reliable people who help me out. I guess I would rather have the choice of having my DS back under the circumstances or accepting for him to be with someone of ex's choosing.

Happylander Fri 02-Nov-12 09:14:27

I used to get told too and then he stopped contact for 4 months and has only had DS once since he wanted contact to restart. I am just waiting for him to start to refuse contact and I have explained many times it is nice to be asked and not told. Falls on deaf ears though.

It is very annoying. 3 months is a long time for any injury though what has he done? I think it is up to him to sort arrangements though.

Athendof Sat 03-Nov-12 09:31:16

My ex fought hard to have 50-50 access but never shown a shred of proper responsibility: if DS was ill on his contact time he would ring me to say He will be droping Ds back, same if he had holidays planned, social commitments, interesting weekends ahead, holidays or was simply not bothered.

Eventually, he started leaving Ds with dodgy people and when Ds told me something that indicated his step brother was being sexually abused by one of his mum's mates, who also used to baby sit DS, I told ex to keep his eyes open. He got so offended he has not seen DS in years.

Obviously, raising a child singlehandedly, is at the best of times incredibly difficult but DS is now safe, and that's the important thing. His dad was not even able to remember to feed him on time, forgett about standing up for him adf protectong him from more serious problems.

browniebear Mon 05-Nov-12 09:57:24

O god athendofsad that sounds awful and clearly you did the right thing!

Op how far away does the ex live? Is it that he just can't pick up/drop off? I don't see how hurting his foot stops him from having your ds really other than him being able to drive. Surely if he can walk he can have him?

LovingSingledom Mon 05-Nov-12 22:28:50

Thanks for all the responses, it's always good to hear that I am not the only one. He is saying he fell off a hay bail and might have to have his foot amputated but given he spent the summer saying he had lung cancer and turned out he has asthma (which he had before but never bothered with inhaler) I am not reading too much into this.

He will not communicate with me other than through very poor text messages. DS is only 4 and has a great imagination so is not a good source of information.

Athendof, omg what a situation. Although I don't have fears that bad DS does imply, and how he is with me kind of backs up, that ex mil smacks him and shouts at him more than I would expect from a grandmother given he generally behaves very well with her (exhub was snacked with wooden spoon as child so wouldn't surprise me).

I guess this is going to take time and given ex never took any responsibility when we were together then I guess I should not expect anything better. As it was DS and I had a great weekend with lots of treats and quality time

Athendof Tue 06-Nov-12 00:19:33

Keep a record of everything he says (your child and the ex), Very factual and objective. It may come handy in the future (ie for increasing child maintenance and for protecting your child, what is that that exMIL smacks him? that's not on, someone has to protect him).

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