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At what age do children decide for themselves which home they stay at when?

(10 Posts)
adviceneeded1200 Mon 22-Oct-12 22:54:05

When do teenagers' social engagements override the access agreements - generally speaking?

All opinions/experience welcome. Thanks smile

peppapigpants Tue 23-Oct-12 00:33:33

DD1 is just 15. Recently she didn't see her dad for a month, not because she had better things to do but due to his unpleasant behaviour towards her. He got shirty but my solicitor wrote and said she was old enough to decide for herself.

ParsleyTheLioness Tue 23-Oct-12 15:09:26

Like Peppa my dd is 15 (almost). She arranges with him, but knows I need to know when it affects my plans. Eg I ringfence my Saturday night (every 2 weeks) off, with barbed wire. Whether I am in or out, its my night off, and I don't want it messed with without a very good reason.

purpleroses Tue 23-Oct-12 15:50:18

Depends how far apart you live - if you live close then they can start doing social engagements instead of spending all their time with a non-resident parent from any age if he's willing to transport them, or as soon as they're old enough to get about on their own, if not (ie around 11-15ish, depending on transport options), but that should still mean they can spend the agreed nights nights with each parent.

But if visiting a parent means spending the weekend a long way away from friends, then I think they would normally start to put up some resistance by around 13-14 or so, and look to change their routines to fit around social engagements. My DSD is 15 and has been altering the days she comes to us to suit her social live for a year or two now. She still comes, because we actually live closer to most of her friends than her mum does, but it would seem quite inappropriate to try to force her if she decided not to come one time.

adviceneeded1200 Thu 25-Oct-12 15:01:15

Thanks very much for all the replies. That seems sensible though I can see ExH not being happy with her if she wants to do that with any regularity.

crackcrackcrak Fri 26-Oct-12 21:39:42

I expect dd1's father to be flexible now and she's 3! I'm not making her miss out on parties to be with him and she's a long way from making her own choice. Cafcass are quite supportive of this kind of thing iirc.

Notmuchlongerer Sat 27-Oct-12 14:17:42

I always think with these threads on age, if you allow your child to decide their life, if they said 'I want to live at my Dad's' would you let them?

If you would they're mature enough to make their own choices and so are you.

allnewtaketwo Sat 27-Oct-12 22:17:22

I think it depends on the parents and the children. DSS1 is almost 17, but his mother won't 'allow' him to see DH outside if the access schedule set when he was 6. He does whatever she says, so still comes like clockwork to the dot per the rota hmm

Doesn't have friends so that doesn't impede the rota either

Athendof Sun 28-Oct-12 18:01:36

Considering the last sentence, I wouldn't be surprised if he simply doesn't have much interest on spending more time than he us requested to at Dad's house...

allnewtaketwo Sun 28-Oct-12 20:15:54

Athen are you talking to me? Actually DSS1 doesn't have interest in doing anything. Nothing at all. So you're probably right. Yet he walks around the house after DH 24/7 when he's here like a lost puppy. Sadly he doesn't think it's his job to be interested in anything or think for himself at all. I think to a large degree that after all these years, a very controlling environment in his home and the "rota" has institutionalised him.

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