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How do you deal with the fear that ex will take the DCs?

(13 Posts)
FourFish Sun 02-Oct-11 10:20:35

I'm assuming its not just me that has this worry. My ex has stolen from me and lied to me so I don't trust him. He has twice hit my daughter (but he claimed that she fell so nothing was done). My biggest fear is that he will simply take the DCs.
Yesterday, DD1 (3) came home from a daddy visit excited because daddy would be taking her on a plane to a new house in a new country and a new school. Now the rational part of me knows that if he was planning something he wouldn't tell her and that at 3 this could have come from a story/game/anything. But the irrational part of me is scared.
Does anyone else worry about this? And how do you stop it taking over? A petty small part of me can't help wondering if he knows this is what I worry about and he has planted these seeds in DD1s head just to wind me up.

feelingsik Sun 02-Oct-11 11:05:44

how manipulating of him
of course he knows he will wind you up!
its true a "normal" person will not tell if he was going to act on it
but we are not dealing with a logical "normal" person or are we?

SageMist Sun 02-Oct-11 13:56:47

You could take some practical steps to try and reduce the risk.

For example, I would be keeping hold of her passport, making sure I knew his address and phone numbers and asking the police and a solicitor for some practical advice.

Tyr Sun 02-Oct-11 14:06:28

It's almost certainly nothing to worry about. Are there any court orders in force?

blackeyedsusan Sun 02-Oct-11 16:28:01

does he have parental responsibility?

do you have residency?

there was a thread a while ago that dealt with this issue. had some good advice about contacting the passport office etc.

FourFish Sun 02-Oct-11 19:13:10

I have DD1's passport - DD2 doesn't have a passport. Can I just ring the passport office and ask them not to let him have passports? Surely I'd need proof and I doubt the word of a three year old counts!

No court orders - we have an informal agreement. I want to make it more formal but am reluctant to rock the boat. Can you make arrangements legal without going to the courts?

Tyr Sun 02-Oct-11 20:06:56

No, you can't. You can get an agreement in writing but it isn't worth much unless it is stamped by the court as an order. It sounds like you have no real reason to go near court and are worrying about nothing.
Get a passport for DD2 yourself and keep it along with the other one.
Does he have PR and where exactly do you think he is going to take them?

Tyr Sun 02-Oct-11 20:10:00

Oh, forgot to ask...

"He has twice hit my daughter (but he claimed that she fell so nothing was done)."

What is the story there? Who witnessed this and what did you do about it?

proudmummyof1 Sun 02-Oct-11 20:21:16

Hi Fourfish, I've been through something slightly similar, and the worry even now is unbearable. My ex took our DD out for the day and phoned me threatening not to bring her back. Its the worst thing that he could ever have done. He did this to hurt me and now swears that he would never have done it - trouble is that the damage has been done & I will never trust him again. I'm now 18 months down the line and there is a residency order in place (obtained the day after the threat was made) and a very rigid court order. Its sad that its ended up like this and never would I have imagined that the man i spent 15 years married to would do this. My ex is in Scotland and I am in Wales and I still have the worry every time he takes her over the border despite there being a residency order in place. You dont say where your husband may take them but I would advise that if you have any worries at all about your children being taken you look into Residency, it doesn't take away his PR but gives you the peace of mind that they will be returned. My daughter is 6 now and remembers daddy telling her she wasnt coming home to mummy but she is happy and sees her dad regularly. Good luck!

bubbles1510 Fri 07-Oct-11 19:33:59


I too have been through similiar, now have a residence order too. It gives me a little peace of mind, although even tonight I sit here worrying at the end of the wknd they wont come back, but I know that residency order is in my name. I too have a very good court order.

Seek advice xxxxx

solidgoldbrass Fri 07-Oct-11 23:31:55

If your XP is a dick, get legal advice and court orders where necessary. Don't try to be informal and reasonable with an unreasonable man. Don't worry about hurting his feelings with court orders. He's a dick and it serves him right.

GypsyMoth Fri 07-Oct-11 23:37:54

He would need to approach court
For a court order, you can't just apply for one as resident parent

Is he from uk?

Does he have PR?

Earthymama Fri 07-Oct-11 23:42:26

No advice but lots of empathy, I stayed with Ex for years as he threatened to take my children away and for various, complicated reasons probably would have been able to.

As soon as I had the courage to leave he showed his true colours and I soon had sole responsibility for their care.

I have no regrets though as they were, and still are as adults, the centre of my life!

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