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Where do i stand ?

(16 Posts)
roseyposeysmum Thu 22-Sep-11 12:32:21

I split with my ex in October last year, things were fine at first and to be honest we kind of still had a bit of a relationship until May this year. Then i decided we needed a proper split as we were never going to work etc.

Since then i have had nothing but hassle of my ex, we have a 3 year old little girl who is my whole world. She was not a planned baby but this has never made any difference to me. To him she has always come second best to his dd from his first marriage.

My dd is a real mummy's girl and gets quite upset when she has to go to her dads. She always tells me that she wants to stay with me forever and is very loving and affectionate with me. She is a totally different child when she is with her dad.

Anyway - we had an arrangement in place with dropping her off and picking her up, and about 2 months ago i asked to change this as saturday is my day of downtime with my dd no nursery run etc and we always go out for the day. He had no problem with this until about 3 weeks ago when i got a messgae saying i was dictating to him etc. He threatened me with a solicitors telling me to be careful what i was doing. I sat it out and never heard anything.

Last weekend he kicked off again, he wants to pick dd up earlier as it interupts his rountine with his other dd and i should work around him and his other dd. I told him that i didn't have to work around him and his other dd as my dd is my only concern. and that he couldn't pick her up earlier. Again i got threatened with solicitors and he started to text me giving me her name and telling me that i was playing a very dangerous game and that i should get a solicitor.

This is a dad that puts in no effort at all with my dd doesn't get in touch with her at all while she is with me, she got rushed to hospital a few weeks ago and he couldn't leave work because he was busy "and she only had a cold" she had a temp of 40.5 and a very bad viral infection. He doesn't help cover childcare when she is off sick and expects me to work around him when he doesn't put any effort in.

I am tempted to sit it out again as i am sure he is all talk, but i am fed up of being threatened with solictors and being told i am playing a dangerous game etc. If thinks if he threantes to take her away i will dance to his tune, at the end of the day he has just been made redundent is £6000 behind with his mortgage and does not keep to any of the ruLes that he wanted to Out in place with dd so we could co-parent.

He does not like the fact i don't make an issues of things anymore and i think that is what is behind it all, i now no longer care about what he does with his life, i am only interested in my dd.

mummytime Thu 22-Sep-11 13:01:10

Keep a diary of his demands and changes to routine. Have you got the CSA involved for money? A lot of solicitors will give you a free 1/2 hour, use this to get advice. You can also talk to the CAB.
I think he is trying to control you, and these threats are meaningless. Maybe post in relationships where lots of people have experience of such exs.

I am assuming you were never married to him?

roseyposeysmum Thu 22-Sep-11 13:06:10

No thankfully never married to him.

Smum99 Thu 22-Sep-11 13:41:08

What are the current arrangements for access? typically courts would look to arrange contact for every other weekend and potentially one evening a week. Are you close to this type of arrangement? A courts would look at what is in the best interests of the child and they would factor in that it is positive for her to have a relationship with her dad and of course half sister.

Don't worry about threats for courts - it's likely that he is trying to get you to negotiate and doesn't want to involve solicitors however could you suggest mediation? it's usually the 1st step when parents aren't in agreement with contact hours.

cestlavielife Thu 22-Sep-11 14:02:58

why was it a problem to pick dd up earlier?
what time was he proposing as against normal time?

best thing would be to sit maybe with a mediator adn agee pick up and drop off times and routine of contact so you all know where you are - and what is expected when either wants to change eg 24 hour notice etc .

roseyposeysmum Thu 22-Sep-11 14:03:32

At the moment he has her tuesday night, saturday night and during the day on sunday this is because i work two jobs because i pay for evertything for my dd he give me £10 a week and thinks he is doing well there.

cestlavielife Thu 22-Sep-11 14:06:51

if £10 is the right proportion of his income via CSA then yes - if you kno how much he earns you can work out how much child maintenance should be and go via CSA to enforce it
is his other dd also with an ex?

maybe all the exes need to get together ....

roseyposeysmum Thu 22-Sep-11 14:22:06

He should be paying more but it is better then nothing.

gillybean2 Thu 22-Sep-11 18:55:57

I don't think splitting the weekend at age 3 is too dire. If you say perhaps that you will look at changing that to every other weekend in a year or so when dd is older he probably wouldn't get very much more should he take it to court anyhow.

What time does he collect dd on a saturday currently? Court may look at changing the time if he can show that it is difficult because of his other daughter, your dd's half sister after all. If he is collecting late for example he may not have any choice but to be dragging her oiut at dinner or bed time.
One of the reason that court tends to order a whole weekend every otehr week is because it lets both parents have a whole day with the child on the saturday without it being constrained by pick up times etc.

I think you need to be reasonable here rather than saying it's not your problem. Because if it affects your dd then it is your problem i'm afraid. A court may well sympathise with him if he can show that the current pick up time is unreasonable for him and his other dd and impinges on their time together as well as that of dd with them both.

roseyposeysmum Fri 23-Sep-11 10:29:03

I have been reasonable up to now regarding his other dd, but he is starting take the mick. he has now told me that when our dd goes to school next year and we begin to srot out holidays i have to work around his dd and when he is having her.

he expects me to give up and work around him all the time when he has very little to do with our dd, i don't think i am being unreasonable to tell him to take a run and jump.

cestlavielife Fri 23-Sep-11 10:50:11

problem is though it will be how the outside world ses it eg a court if he takes it that far.

you have to show in all your emails that you not saying "take a run and jump"
play the game.

roseyposeysmum Fri 23-Sep-11 11:11:05

I have not had any contact with him at all, he doesn't contact our dd when she is with me which i have to say i have never understood as he rings his other dd all the time. I am not saying anything that would get me into trouble i am hoping that if he has got a solicitor that they have told him he is being unreasonable and not to persue it any further.

I put my heart and sould into my little girl and he does nothing yet thinks it is all about him and we should be doing everything he wants.

it just doesn't seem fair ?

Vibrant Fri 23-Sep-11 11:19:07

It's not on to be saying you're going to "have to", but I do think he has a point about working contact around when he has his other dd. I encourage xh to have dd when he has dsd. It means the sisters get to be together.

I do get your frustration though - I don't get any maintenance or financial help, and I do the lion's share of the caring for her, school runs, activities, all the donkey work - but she deserves a relationship with her Dad, so I do everything I can to facilitate that. It's for her, not for me, and whether he makes the most of his time with her or chooses not to contact her when she's with me is down to him. I'm not responsible for his relationship with her, only he is, I just don't put up any barriers to it.

ladydeedy Fri 23-Sep-11 11:25:58

well you say he is not interested and puts in no effort at all but actually he is having her twice a week and he is keen to do so. So it doesnt seem that he is not interested from the outside. He has other commitments with your DD's half sister and in fact I think you DO need to consider that, and that sometimes plans change. You changed the plan yourself regarding Saturdays so that it fit around your work. But now you think he is out of order to suggest an earlier pick up time?
Think about what is best for your daughter, not about scoring points off your ex. Maybe he doesnt phone to speak to your daughter during the week because he think he's going to get a hostile reaction when you anwer the phone. Just a thought.

CardyMow Mon 03-Oct-11 01:41:48

Um - NO. I would be telling your ex that he can work his access to your DD around when YOU can book holiday from work - it's up to HIM to sort out about having both of his dc at the same time. What if the only days HE can have his other dd are the only days the OP can get as holiday from work - which she then wouldn't be able to spend with her DD. Nah, Fuck that. It has to be give and take - if it's all one sided (because of the EX-P's other DD) then that is out of order to the OP.

cestlavielife Mon 03-Oct-11 12:38:52

there has to be give and take - so when setting out contact for the next three months/the year there are going to be sometimes clashes wiith his dd's time - he has to tell you which dates they are then you can look thru and see if you can meet those or not. some you will some you wont. over the course of eyar there will be some times yes with his dd some times no.

if you can emet his requests some times fine.
if other times you cant - so be it.

can you meet with a mediator or is it all done by email?

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