dcs (age 3 and4) due back at 6, not here yet

[redhappy]

Ex supposed to bring them back at 6. They go to bed at 7, ds star5s fiest full week at school tomorrow and they need little bit of time with me before they go to bed!

How do I get him to brinf them back on time? He does this every week. In the summer holidays it wasn't a big issue obviously. But it will be winter soon, they need to get to bed on sunday nights.

[GypsyMoth]

Speak to him?

Is it court ordered?

[simpson]

definately speak to him.

What reason does he give for being late?

[redhappy]

Will try speaking to him again. I do every time and he refuses to accept it matters. He has 2 older children. He just texted to some issue with them. The thing is there is always some issue with them, or their mother, or his mother....

[Meglet]

He needs to act like a grown up.

FWIW I don't know what you can do about it. Can you drag him to meditation. He can't piss about with your dc's bedtimes like that .

[parentfailure]

Does he have them for a weekend or just the day? I guess what I'm asking is does he have them EOW or every Sunday?

You might want to ask in the step parents section (I am a step mum and, while the kids are teens now, have been a SM since they were 1 and 4 so have been through this.)

One way of tackling is to keep a record of lateness and demand an earlier drop off to avoid 'issues'. Ask for them back at 4pm so you can settle them for dinner / bed / bath routine.

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

Are they back yet? FWIW I'd be completely pissed off. Not only are you worried, but it's your kids that will suffer if they are tired in the morning. My ex doesn't have any contact with my DS so I don't have to deal with this, but my neighbour's ex has her DCs back at 5pm on the dot on a Sunday so they can prepare for school the next day. Could you ask him to bring them back earlier?

[redhappy]

Yes, they got back between 7.30/8. Tried talking to him, he didn't like that! He started to get angry, I pointed out I just wanted to discuss somerhing with him. He admitted I was being nice about it, then started shouting 'do you want to know why?!' So I said 'if you'd like to tell me'.apparently just as he was leaving work rang to say he had to be in at 5am tomorrow. So he decided to. drop his other children off first to save him time (not sure how that works since hw will be travelling the same distance). I pointed out that was about his needs not the dcs- I know that his other children go to bed at 11pm.

The dcs go every other wknd, Friday eve to Sunday eve. Can I. Ask what help you stepparenting board would be? I was stepparent to his other dcs, so I appreciate the other side of it. Bur tbh it used to drive me mad how chaotic and disorganised he was getting them home when we lived together...

How do I go about getting something in place in court? He leaves his job in 2weeks, i suspect to avoid maintenance payments. He will be working freelancw, and is demanding flexible contact arrangements. I'm not happy with this, I believe routine is important to all childre- for thwir emotional security and wellbeing, but especially as ds has asd.

Sorry for all the typos, on phone. Can't see. whole screen at once, so difficult to write coherently!

[cestlavielife]

definitely routine is important.

dropping off time - my exP was incredibly bad at that (currently no contact only supervised so it isnt an issue as other adult controls it!) eg return them at 9 pm having had no dinner on a school night....

is very annoying but the more you react/get wound up the more they do it - and/or they just programmed like that and cannot be on time.

it is very well to say court order it/insist/ etc etc - but relaity is that whatever you order/insist on - he probably wont listen.... could you inf act say drop off time needs to eb much ealrier eg 4 pm so that gives leeway to be "late"?

"time with me" tho wont cut it - it is about the DC bedtime - not about "time with the other parent".

[blackeyedsusan]

have a word with the school are explain the situation to them. some schools may be prepared to ring a parent and "have words"

say no to flexible arrangements because he is not capable of putting the needs of the children first by getting them home in time for bed.

in the mean time record it all.

[redhappy]

The latw drop-off on a school night with no dinner is exactly the kind of thing he would always do with his older dcs. I'm sure he's not doing it on purpose to annoy me. Just a completely different set of values and attitude to family life. I forgot to say in my post yesterday, when I suggested his priority was himself "fuck you this is bollocks!". I then received a series of answerphone and text messages of the same vein, telling me I've never understood him, to find myself a rich husband

'Time with me' was more about wanted them to be able to settle back in before they are whisked off to bed, particularly for ds (asd) as I have to be careful not to let things get too disruptive for him. I take your point though.

Im really nor looking forward to him leaving work. I wouldn't put it past him to just keep turning up unnanounced. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I plan 5o dtick to alternate weekends, make sure dcs available on his wkends, but keep them here when they were due to be with me. Very scared of his reaction though.

[blackeyedsusan]

keep the messages. you may need them.

hope it gets better for you.

[redhappy]

Naive question, but what is it exactly they eill be used for? I haven't deleted any correspondance so I have a record of his unreasonable behaviour, but a record for who?