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Am i Doing the right thing???? Please help!!

(6 Posts)
daffydil77 Tue 13-Sep-11 21:52:21

Hello all, This is the first time i've posted here and i could really use some opinions and advice!!

I split from my husband last April due to his alcohol problem. I have a daughter of 2and a half. since we split DH has DD every weekend. He didn't drink around her and is such an amazing dad.

Only a couple of months ago i learned that he had been drinking again and had fallen asleep, drunk, and put DD at risk.I stopped his contact immediately, telling him that until he got help and stopped drinking he wouldn't be seeing DD. To his credit he started AA meeting the same day and has been going every week ever since. He's started seeing a counselor and is adamant that he hasn't touched a drop in the last 2 months.

Only a couple of weeks ago when i phoned him he sounded like he was slurring and when i asked him if he'd been drinking he said that he'd taken a sleeping tablet as he was having trouble getting to sleep. I didn't believe him and told him that he wouldn't be seeing DD any time soon. (We had agreed that he could start seeing DD again) I changed my phone number and didn't contact him for a couple of weeks. He wrote to me, begging to talk, saying that he swore on DD's life that he hadn't been drinking and that he's been in contact with his solicitor to fight for access. When i phoned him, he swore that he's do anything to prove his innocence and said that he'd even take a substance test to prove that he was completely alcohol free. He said that he would sign something to say that if he ever screwed up and drank again he would wave all rights to DD.

With this in mind i have agreed to let him have weekend access again. I have drawn up an agreement for him to sign saying that if he drinks or stops going to AA and Counselling he will wave all rights and privileges to DD and i will move away so that he can not have any contact at all.

We have agreed that he will have her this weekend but i'm really worried that i am making a mistake.... Am i being nieve in trusting that he has changed?? I'm going out of my mind trying to figure out what to do for the best. He's an amazing father who is totally devoted to DD and she idolizes him so much!!

Kayano Tue 13-Sep-11 22:03:01

I can understand the feeling and the worry but to just tell him he isn't going to see his DD again despite going to regular meetings and making progress was harsh!

You can't prove he didn't take a sleeping pill rather than drink so to just
Make that decision to ban him from his DD AND CHANGE YOUR NUMBER was a bit of a dick move on your part imho...

How is that going to affect your DD? You can see daddy again, oh no you can't I have banned him, oh you can see him again now....

Seems very quick turnaround for all this pushing and pulling and banning and allowing....

He does need to get himself sorted I agree but it sounds as if he is honestly trying?

daffydil77 Wed 14-Sep-11 00:30:57

i know what your saying and this is what i'm having trouble with. after 4 years of being lied to about his drinking i'm finding it really hard to believe that i can trust in him being able to change!! it's giving me a real headache. I want to trust him and my instinct is telling me that he's really trying but i have a nagging doubt because of how many times i've heard the lies before!!

thanks for your insight tho x

cestlavielife Wed 14-Sep-11 10:59:05

this all or nothing approach wont work.

signng papers means nothing.

if you concerned about dd safety then offer supervised contact or day time only til you sure things are under control.

if he gets drunk and she gets hurt due to lack of care from him well then it wont matter what he has signed

simpson Thu 15-Sep-11 23:20:16

I agree with previous poster, I would go for daytime access until you know situation is ok iyswim.

I have been in your situation and have stopped access until my ex H can prove he can be sober when he sees DC.

Also if he is going to have a drink, while looking after your DD he won't care what he has signed.

I am lucky in that my ex H does not live in the same country as me and my mum is ok about putting him up when he visits (3 times a yr) and it also means that he is not left alone with DC as she is always around.

Good luck XX

gillybean2 Thu 15-Sep-11 23:42:11

If your dd is 2.5 then really he shouldn't be taking sleeping pills when he has sole responsibility for her. Who did he think would go to her if she woke in the night?

Stopping contact completely isn't the answer. But you do need to look at ways of ensuring your dd is safe during contact. If that means him having a third party there during contact, or shorter contact during the day time only then so be it. If he wants to prove himself and have the contact then he will have to do what it takes to show he is reponsible enough.

And the signed agreement will mean nothing I'm afraid. If it ended up back in court he will simply say he agreed to it under duress because it was the only way you would agree to contact and he had no choice but to go along with it...

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