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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

i know its only september but...christmas contact help please!

27 replies

MissPricklePants · 07/09/2011 20:31

hi, back in court in a couple of weeks for an interim review and ex wants xmas contact arranged then. I was going to just suggest he has her christmas eve but he wants christmas day aswell!dd will be 2.5 so cannot choose what she wants. How do you sort it out?x

OP posts:

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ladydeedy · 08/09/2011 07:39

Christmas week with one parent and new year week with the other is very usual. As your child gets older you'll see that school holidays are generally of two weeks duration so it makes sense to have an equal split. Alternate each year so that you each take turns in having your child with you over Christmas. That way also if you want to go away for a week's holiday (or visit relatives etc) it's much easier to accommodate if you have a decent chunk of time each.

MissPricklePants · 08/09/2011 08:53

I shold have said in my op that my ex only has dd for a few hours on a saturday as he is too 'busy for her' any other time and he doesnt want or have overnight contact so it makes things difficult.

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ladydeedy · 08/09/2011 09:56

OK but it seems that he is asking for overnight contact on this occasion, i.e. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so this is a move in the right direction and you can start to move towards more regular overnight contact after this. it seems to make sense to encourage this, also for yourself, so that you have the opportunity for time for yourself in the future.

MissPricklePants · 08/09/2011 11:24

he wants her xmas eve til 4pm and then pick her up xmas morning. He has no desire for overnight contact and he said this at court last time we were there in july.

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cestlavielife · 08/09/2011 12:11

so what do you want?
what would be best for DD?
do you have family xmas lunch planned or does he?
if he has her xmas lunch this year then will you do so next year?

Vibrant · 08/09/2011 12:54

A lot of people on here talk about alternating Christmas, but I wouldn't want to do that. I prefer to arrange things so that we each have time with dd. I would think about what I wanted to do on Christmas Day and offer him some time with her based on that, and on what his plans are.

MissPricklePants · 08/09/2011 17:14

i have xmas lunch planned. I think it would be best for dd to see him xmas eve as thats his usual day he has her and due to him being absent for most of her life she gets upset when he picks her up. X

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Vibrant · 08/09/2011 18:03

Why don't you suggest he sees her after lunch on Christmas Day then? You might be better off trying to come up with something that suits both of you, rather than trying to stick to your guns, because if you do there's a risk that you will have something imposed on you by the Court that you don't want.

And if your reason is that she gets upset when going with him, well that is going to happen on Christmas Eve too and you're ok with her going then, so it doesn't really stand up (IMO) as a reason not to see him on Christmas Day.

How come he hasn't seen her much?

MissPricklePants · 08/09/2011 19:08

he didnt want any involvement then changed his mind and has been inconsistent since. What i meant with her getting upset is that it would be best for dd to see him when she is used to it so it remains consistent. I will obv try to make arrangements so he can see her xmas day if i need to, thanks for the advice.

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ladydeedy · 09/09/2011 08:31

how old is she?

MissPricklePants · 09/09/2011 08:44

27 months, she generally is a confident little girl and hasnt cried at starting nursery in may etc so it is very strange that she gets so upset everytime she sees het dad or hears the word daddy . I am always positive about her going to him as i dont want to deny her the oppurtunity of developing a good relationship with him. It is made v difficult though due to past (and ongoing) abuse toward me in front of dd and that he will go 3-5 weeks without turning up for her.

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HattiFattner · 09/09/2011 08:53

let her go Christmas Eve, let him come to you for an hour Christmas afternoon, after lunch. That way, he is likely to be a bit pissed tired and emotional, and may not show up at all.

Oh and dont ask him. Tell him. If he winges, say "Well, when you are a more regular and reliable feature in her life, we can talk about christmas again. But for now, this is the way its going to be."

GypsyMoth · 09/09/2011 08:54

What are you in court for as well as sorting Xmas contact?

MissPricklePants · 09/09/2011 08:58

its an interim review to see how contact is progressing

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GypsyMoth · 09/09/2011 09:00

So is he looking to try and increase his contact? Or has he needed supervision etc?

How IS it progressing? All going well I hope

Vibrant · 09/09/2011 09:17

She's not in a position to tell him how it is Hatti, as there are court proceedings going on. She needs to be showing the court that she is not being obstructive to contact and to finding a solution that suits them both, otherwise she will come out of this looking like the bad guy (even though she isn't). She's much better off coming to an arrangement that she's happy with, or partly happy with, than one that she's not happy with at all if it's left in the hands of the court to decide.

HattiFattner · 09/09/2011 09:24

it is kind of doing what he wants - he wants the child xmas eve (but not overnight) and Xmas day - she can offer him Xmas eve and Xmas afternoon after lunch. Thats called compromise - they both see her on both days, both get some quality time with her. She should not just roll over and accept what he wants without question just because a court issue is looming - ultimately you could argue that a small child will be overwhelmed on Christmas morning, so should not start presents/visits round 2 until after lunch - even if lunch is just a sandwich, rather than the full roast dinner.

Sounds to me like he wants to go out and get pissed on Xmas eve, and then take her out in the morning so he can drink again in the evening. WHy should he have it all his way?

Vibrant · 09/09/2011 09:44

I agree, I've already suggested she offers some time on Christmas Day - but to say "that's how it's going to be" is inflammatory and the court won't look favourably on it. She needs to tread carefully otherwise they will perceive her as an obstructive ex, she'll have played into his hands and may end up with a contact order that she is not happy with. It's not just about the coming Christmas.

cestlavielife · 09/09/2011 09:52

"he will go 3-5 weeks without turning up for her. "

you ened clear records of this -that you offered contact (saved texts, emails) adn that eh didnt turn up.

if he isnt being consistent with contact this needs to be made clear.

if there is ongoing abuse - you need proof - texts, emails (and proof op isnt giving abck the same - unfortunately one person has to maintain clear cool calm approach even when you feel like letting rip)

but as others said - best to show willingness and offer xmas eve then some time on xmas day - given that he may not even turn up.
if op cant have him in her house then she should not invite him. but offer that she goes to his instead. is his family her other grandparents relatives going to be at his place?

ladydeedy · 09/09/2011 13:28

i think be careful as well that you're not looking at what he's said he wants and then deciding to immediately go against it just because it's what he's stated he'd like. If he'd said he'd wanted her on Christmas Eve and then overnight but return her to you on Christmas morning I get the feeling your automatic reaction would be to say no because it's what he wants. Not because you have strong feelings yourself about you would like or your daughter would like. Often the temptation seems to be to deliberately deny what the other person is asking for, even if it actually fits well into your own plans.
For example, we know if we ask DH's ex about seeing DC on a particular day or for a particular time (because of a family event for instance) the immediate response is no. If we say we'd like to see DC at New Year and she therefore has Christmas her reaction is NO, you are dictating to me and I dont like it! I want to go out on New Years Eve so you HAVE to have him at Christmas. Sometimes reverse psychology works for us .
this may not be the case in your situation as we know there are other things going on in your relationship but i think it is worth considering.

MissPricklePants · 09/09/2011 13:52

I have proof of the abuse (texts, emails, cctv footage of him trying to hit me in the local shopping centre) obv havent got proof of him telling me he wishes me dead etc but he is nasty in front of dd. I pay no attention and dont rise to it! I am meant to be at my familys for xmas day and stopping over until the 27th so feasibly he could have a couple of hours xmas morn i guess. His family dont have any interest in her and wanted me to terminate the pregnancy.

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Tyr · 09/09/2011 14:00

If he doesn't have O/N's yet, the court are unlikely to impose one just because it it Xmas.
Alternating Xmas's are ordered where the child is already having regular, substantial contact with both parents, generally (but not necessarily) under the auspices of a Shared Residence order.
I think your offer of a few hours on Xmas eve and a few on Xmas day is a very fair and reasonable one under the circumstances you've described and I would think it likely that the court will order it.

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MissPricklePants · 09/09/2011 14:10

he doesnt want o/n at all. Will speak to my solicitor about it and try to compromise. Thanks for the advice

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ImperialBlether · 11/09/2011 15:56

I wouldn't let him do whatever he wants, no matter what he wants. He is trying to control what happens here, when he clearly doesn't have strong feelings for her. Sorry, but if he did, he'd turn up when he was meant to.

I think I'd be looking at him only seeing her under controlled conditions, in a contact centre. If he is saying he wants you to die and if he is hitting you in public, then I think he has forfeited the right to have your child whenever he wants.

I'd also get a Will written, OP.

MissPricklePants · 11/09/2011 22:55

imperial contact has previously been supervised and the court decided it should progress to unsupervised. I also agree that he doesnt care about dd and is trying to control me etc. Oh and I already had my solicitor sort out the will when we split up 2 years ago.

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