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Ex ignoring kids?

(22 Posts)
MummyPhus Mon 01-Aug-11 23:09:04

hi again

My ex moved out 2 weeks ago tomorrow, and I am quite worried because he seems to be cutting himself off from our 4 kids (aged 9, 7, 6 and 5). He had them for one night last weekend and described his weekend as "shit", but before he moved out he was around ALL the time. The past 2 evenings my 6yo ds has asked to speak to him, but he hasn't answered the phone (mobile) or called back. Ds went to bed before 8 and came downstairs at 9 crying to ask if daddy had called yet.

He's meant to be having them this weekend, and I txtd him at lunchtime as one of the kids had asked if they were staying Friday as well as Saturday night. He got back to me hours later saying that he's not quite sure what his plans are for this weekend so he'll let me know nearer the time. This from a person who never left it more than 5 mins before replying to a txt from me before he moved out (and we've been divorced since decemebr 2009!).

I am worried for the kids. This is so unlike how he was before he moved out, I thought I was going to have to tell him to back off. I have no idea what to say to him or what is reasonable, after all he pays me maintenance, is this like paying me to be their parent???

He has made me cry :'-(

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 01-Aug-11 23:14:46

Your Ex only moved out 2 weeks ago so I'm assuming things are still raw. Texting is not enough. You and you Ex need to either have a talk, or you need to write a letter and give him a limited time to respond. Only refer to the DCs, their wants and needs and try to get agreement on that.

MummyPhus Mon 01-Aug-11 23:26:01

Well, raw, maybe not...we split up 3 yrs ago and have been divorced 18 months. I have also remarried and have a 2yo son with my new husband. Meanwhile, he's been living rent free in my house. Oh and he only responds to deadlines from solicitors and doesn't talk.......

But I guess I cantry my talking to a brick wall thing again. Just don't know what to tell the kids :-(

Might try an email tomorrow and see what he says...

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 01-Aug-11 23:38:28

Organise something for the kids this weekend and tell them about that. If they ask about dad, tell them the truth: you don't know, but you are trying to get something sorted out.

Is your Ex a manchild?

solidgoldbrass Tue 02-Aug-11 10:28:08

Has he got a new partner, or is he being a cock to punish you for dumping him? He sounds very selfish and entitled.

yoshiLunk Tue 02-Aug-11 11:10:57

So you split 3 years ago, within a short time you were pregnant by new partner, divorced within 18 months and remarried to the father of your new child, - and all the time your ex has been living under your roof ?

You have all been in a rather unusual situation, he has been split from you for three years but has had full access with his children up until 2 weeks ago. He is now an NRP and has to have access visits with his children, - yep that makes for a pretty 'shit' weekend.

He is withdrawing and I think you need to see things through his eyes to get a hold of the situation before it's too late.

FWIW my DH had 'shit' weekends with his 4 DC (from his first marriage, two his two hers from her previous), - and this was certainly not because he didn't want to see them.

cestlavielife Tue 02-Aug-11 12:02:42

it is early days - let ex get used to his enw aplce being no his own.
agree with ex that kids will see him in say a fortnight and give him time to settl himself.

plan nice things for kids for next two weeks with you - then if ex gives you a few days notice fine.

but tell DC that dad is settling into new home and needs some time.

confusing for them if eh been tehre then suddenly not -but distract them with other plans and make a firm plan for ex to be with them in say a fotnight or three weeks.

MummyPhus Tue 02-Aug-11 12:40:26

We planned their weekends with him a couple of months ago to fit around his hectic social life. He has keys to my house still and an agreement that he can drop in any time. I have also said to him that he an hVe the kids more regularly, but he has said he doesn't even think he'll cope with 2 weekends a month.

He was the one who chose to continue living here. My dh an I got married last September and about 3 months before that, ex h said "oh I suppose I should think about moving out when you and dave get married". By November he had done nothing, so I took legal advice. At that point, the house was in mine and ex h's joint names, although I had paid for the house outright with money from my dad. In December, my mum offered to give him an "advance" on MY inheritance from her of £50,000 to allow him to buy a place of his own, in exchange for his name off the deeds to my house. He had 5 weeks to take legal advice and come to a decision, but 3 days before the deadline he turned around and said he needed more time...

He agreed to the proposal in January, but didn't start house hunting until April. He finally moved on 19th July.

I can see things very clearly through his eyes. He has taken the money and run, leaving his kids lost and confused as to why daddy never contacts them. It wouldn't surprise me so much if he'd never taken an interest in them, but he was so hands on with them. Ok, so he knows nothing about keeping them under control, but...

I am having trouble this week with doing exciting stuff as youngest ds broke his leg on holiday last week, so we are a bit restricted as he is frustrated and upset and bored (can't do swimming, soft play, even going to the park is a major challenge...)...but I am really trying.

Also remember that although poor him diddums has moved out, taken the widescreen telly, bought a brand new Wii and lent £1300 to his new gf from my mums money, I am left with 4 kids let down by him in the summer holidays...oh, and his np thinks I spend the kids maintenance on myself...

MummyPhus Tue 02-Aug-11 13:23:48

@solidgoldbrass - he can be a bit of a cock, hence his nicknames "his royal twattiness" (hrt) and Twat Boy LOL. Oh and his NP is called "the whale" and is a bitch and a half!!!

SoftKittyWarmKitty Tue 02-Aug-11 13:38:48

Sorry but that is one bizarre situation. When I split up with my ex we had to live together for 2 months while I bought him out of the house we jointly owned, and by the end I couldn't wait for him to leave. I can't believe your new husband put up with that situation, plus I expect it was very confusing for the kids - all of them, including your youngest with your new H. So no wonder everyone is confused as to what's happening. Access and contact should really have been sorted out 3 years ago when you split up and started living apart.

I also can't believe your mother paid him off!! Surely by law you had no need to do that? You could have got legal advice re. him moving out and getting his name off the deeds without having to buy him out. He was probably waiting just for that kind of financial offer to get him out, and I bet he's laughing all the way to the bank!

Sorry but I think this situation is partly your fault for letting the situation get to this point (note I said partly - your ex is clearly also at fault) . You now need to take control, get a proper access schedule set in place so that your kids (and their dad) know what's going on and the children aren't let down.

MummyPhus Tue 02-Aug-11 13:49:06

Actually, when we first split up (a) it worked just fine having us all under one roof and (b) we couldn't afford for anyone to move, not even by selling the house. Yes, there had to be some sort of financial settlement, and if I had taken him to court, he almost certainly would have got an order on the house for a large payout when youngest child left home, forcing me to sell the house like it or not, probably waaayyyy in excess of £50,000, even tho I had paid for the house. ANd costing us both £thousands in legal bills (which we don't have, I am still paying my mum back for my solicitors bills). Meanwhile, he still couldn't afford to move out into anywhere decent, or I couldn't afford to feed the kids, he would have resented me for forcing him into a shitty bedsit, and he would never have been able to have the kids.

Bizarre, maybe. Not what you did, certainly, but just because it's not right for you, doesn't mean it can't work for someone else. As soon as it started "not working", I said so to him, and worked like a dog to work out a way it could work financially. I was going to take out a mortgage on the house to be able to pay him off now, but my mum stepped in so that DH and I didn't have to take on the debt. He was the one who kept saying he'd look for somewhere and didn't...

Anyway, I am not asking for people to tell me who's to blame for anything, in fact, the only relevance of the fact that he stayed so long is that he was around with and for the kids, who he now appears to have basically abandoned. They are my worry, not whether it's "my fault" that he was around for so long.

It was a difficult time for me, anyway, I struggled to accept that our relationship could be over, my family disowned me, my dad told me to have an abortion and we had another major drama in the family which caused serious SERIOUS stress. Even during my pregnancy, I was unsure as to what I wanted, but surely none of this affects the fact that he should be keeping in touch with his kids?

yoshiLunk Tue 02-Aug-11 15:54:43

Of course there could be a lot more to this story which you may or may not drip feed now,

but your eldest is 9 so you and ex must have been together at least 10 years, and whichever order you haven't explained but you split up, got pregnant moved someone else in and divorced your ex all in 18 months.

So as softkitty says, you are at fault and you need to take control of the situation, and if you need to be a little nicer to your ex in order to make it easier for your children to see their Dad then you need to bite your tongue and do it.

And by the way - this "hence his nicknames "his royal twattiness" (hrt) and Twat Boy LOL. Oh and his NP is called "the whale" and is a bitch and a half!!!" is not the way forward, you and your new DH need to grow up a bit to make this work for your children.

MummyPhus Tue 02-Aug-11 16:27:56

Ok I didn't ask for a character qssassinati

MummyPhus Tue 02-Aug-11 16:31:15

Sorry assassination I have been nothing but reasonable to my ex, setting him up in his new place, allowing him unlimited access. You have no idea of the circumstances leading to our break up and it was HIMwho "moved my new partner in", not me.

I asked for advice on how to make sure he sees his kids, not for people to judge me.

MummyPhus Tue 02-Aug-11 17:31:07

I have reread the posts blaming me for him ignoring his kids. I came here for some advice on how to help my upset children see their dad. I actually tried to make it EASIER for them by trying to keep the family together, whether that was right or wrong in anyone's opinion. The fact is, when I asked my ex to move out over a year ago, he did nothing to try to go. He just waited for me to take legal action. I have never told him to "get out" (ie you have one week or your stuff will be on the driveway), and if I had, which is what seems to be being suggested here, all it would have done was hurt the kids. He would have had nowhere to go and hated me. As for "being a bit nicer to him", well, I "gave" him £50,000, allowed him to stay whilst he was sorting out finding somewhere and waiting for the sale to go through, allowed him to take anything he wanted from the house, he still has a key and an open invitation to visit the kids whenever he wants, he has had his girlfriends to stay, had Sky+, a bedroom, lounge and bathroom of his own....

I NEVER asked anyone to offer their opinion on "whose fault it is", and to attempt to do so not knowing me, him, my curent husband or the facts is pointless. I should not have to "drip feed" any background information, as this is irrelevant. The thing is that I want his kids to see him, like he promised they would.

When someone asks for help, it's best not to give them a kick. Believe me, I have been through all of this blaming thing with my family, though not for the reasons you might think, and I don't need a bunch of strangers telling me what a b*tch I am, because I am not. If I was, I would have dumped his stuff outside the house months ago and changed the locks - wouldn't that have been good for the kids?

And as for the nicknames we have for ex and his np, well, yeah, it's childish, but it's private, between us, the kids don't know and hell, it makes me feel a bit better when he's undermined me with the kids. She sent a very abrasive email saying that she thinks I spend the kids' maintenance money on myself (I certainly don't) and that he shouldn't ever babysit for me (the older 4) and telling him he should ask my mum for more money (the £50,000 was agreed by a court order and he got every penny).


But then, I guess SoftKittyWarmKitty and YoshiLunk are perfect and have never made any decisions that weren't absolutely right for everyone ever....sigh how great that must be....

Oh, for the record, he replied to my email, said he'd visit the kids after work today and would be visiting after work on Thursdays and will babysit if DH & I want to go out, and will do 2-night weekends once a month or so..........I guess I could sort it out myself without the perfect people trying to make me feel like sh*t......

yoshiLunk Tue 02-Aug-11 19:45:27

Drip drip drip,

It is only natural for people to want to know a bit more of the somewhat unusual picture before passing real judgment on - as you have specifically asked... "what to say to him and what is reasonable" as you say yourself you have no idea. And yes the background information is relevant

Ok, all said and done, look at the positives...

he's out, he's got his own place with the whale new DP,

you have the house, and new DH and all the children.

Ex H pays maintenance

Children want to see him

He's now agreed a schedule for visits plus extra 'babysitting" for you and new DH

have a great life and THINK. YOURSELF. VERY. LUCKY

StewieGriffinsMom Tue 02-Aug-11 19:53:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MummyPhus Tue 02-Aug-11 20:27:52

Thank you, StewieGriffinsMom. Thats exactly what I mean...They are very happy to have seen daddy this eve grinD

And to yoshiwhatever - I am lucky my ex isn't a deadbeat loser. That doesn't stop me wanting the best for my fantastic kids. And I don't need to hear any more from you. Thanks. Bye.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Tue 02-Aug-11 21:15:25

Of course they're not ridiculous responses to the OP. She posted about a very unusual situation and as such, has to expect comments on it. The scenario (from what we know on here) is OP and ex split up but stay living in the same house, not just temporarily while one of them looks for a new place, but long term (3 years I believe). While in this situation OPs new DP moves in and they have their own baby. OPs ex has 'girlfriends' (note OPs use of plural) to stay. OP and ex get divorced. Ex eventually moves out. Do you seriously think that a situation like that was best for the kids and made it easier for them? Surely it must have confused the hell out of them? Of course people are going to comment on such a situation because it has bearing on the current situation the OP now finds herself in.

If you re-read my first post OP, you'll notice that I never said it was all your fault, nor was there any hint of character assassination, nor did I say at any point that you were a 'bitch' (in fact, no poster called you that so god knows where that came from). What I actually said made it abundantly clear that you were both at fault for not making as clean a break as possible in the first instance, because now each and every one of you now has to get used to yet another situation change. In other words, you (to clarify, I mean all the adults involved here, not just you individually) have merely delayed the inevitable. If you'd lived apart from the time of the split and arranged an access schedule from then, it would most likely all be sorted and everyone would be in a nice routine by now. It's a bit like taking a plaster off - rip it off quickly and it's painful for a short while but it's done, whereas pull it off slowly and the pain lasts much longer. But then I think you already know that, hence the slightly aggressive responses.

That said, I'm pleased he's seen the kids and hope it continues.

Oh, and of course I'm not perfect and I have far from a perfect life. I wouldn't frequent the LP forum if I was.

niceguy2 Tue 02-Aug-11 21:53:56

Personally I think you need an intervention from Jeremy Kyle to sort this out. It all sounds rather complicated.

MummyPhus Wed 03-Aug-11 07:17:36

As I said in the beginning we were financially completely UNABLE to live apart and no, I dont "already know" that we should have lived apart immediately, in fact i completely disagree. It's not helpful to have people comment on the situation, because until the point at which I asked ex p to move out, things had worked fine for all of us. The kids were not confused. I was here. You were not. The implication has been "how dare I allow a situation that has damaged my kids", which I shortened to bitch as I was on my iPhone.

And by "girlfriends", I mean 2 years ago he had his first gf after our split, who he broke up with after several months. He now has his 2nd gf and has been with her for 13 months. I didn't mean there were women coming and going.

I honestly do believe that ex p remaining in the house was originally the right thing for all concerned, and by the time it wasn't the right thing any more, it was my ex p, not me, being obstructive about him leaving. You can disagree til the cows come home, but actually you don't know any of us. There were never any rows or dramas and the kids teachers always comment on what lovely children they are. Every step I have kept the school informed and they have never had cause to contact me with any concerns about the children.

So, SoftKitty, I disagree once more as to the relevance of ex p having stayed under the same roof. The kids are not confused about access, they are upset because daddy had promised to stay in touch more than he had been doing. But I think we're getting there...

Oh and niceguy2 - much as I love jezza, the chavs and slappers show is not for me ha ha.

spongefingeranyone Wed 03-Aug-11 08:46:49

Well this has got to be one of the most bizarre situations I have heard of in a very long time. But, if it worked ok for you and all your kids and new DH as well as exH then fair play to you. I think we're all just a tad flabbergasted at it all really. Try not to fret too much about exH not seeing the kids for a couple of weeks. Sounds like he needs a bit of time to adjust to the new situation, which is a period of adjustment that he should have gone through three long years ago by the sounds of it. It's going to take some time and if he doesn't jump to your tune for a bit then you may have to live with it. If you read this section enough you will see that you are in a very very good place and have not much to complain about. Hope it all works out and he continues to be a good dad to his kids.

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