Am I asking too much...just to be given a time!!!???

[TheFrogs]

Exp collects ds on a Friday and returns him on a Sunday. (I dont have a car). Trouble is I never know what time ds will be picked up or brought back. For instance, for the last few weeks his dad has turned up at four, which barely gives him time to get back from school and pack his stuff up but that's what we've come to expect.

So last night dd was nagging me to do her surprise egg maker with her. Time was getting on so I said after her brother had gone today we'd have some girly time, have tea early then do the chocolate eggs. (She's been quiet and upset the last couple of days as her friend has moved house away from us so I really wanted to cheer her up).

So we wait, and wait...nothing. Ds texts his stepmum, she says when she gets home she'll check what time his dad is picking him up. We wait some more. I can't put tea in the oven in case he turns up because it would obviously then be thrown away. Finally at 6.45 his dad texts him and says he's on his way. So ds has gone, unfed, again. They've probably had tea so wont want to be cooking for ds and he is not allowed to snack at their house.

Dd in the meantime has had a bowl of cereal which in the grand scheme of things doesn't really matter I suppose.

On a Sunday it's the same, we'll expect him back at one time, he'll be back hours later. After several ruined dinners/waiting for him to come back so we could eat together I gave up cooking them.

all my ex has to do, all i've asked is that he lets me know what time he is collecting/dropping off ds and stick to that time. Why can't he seem to get it into his head that I have another child to consider? I cant even phone him to try and find out these things myself as although we've always been on ok terms he is an arse by nature and wont answer his phone to me. His partner is great but doesn't have a say in what he does.

Any suggestions welcome!

[elastamum]

What an arse. You need to take some control. My ex also thinks my world revolves round his, so everynow and again I make sure that it doesnt.

E mail him with a schedule. Explain that the lack of routine is not fair on your other child. Tell him to be there at a certain time as you are going out. When he doesnt show up, take both the kids and go out. He will soon work out that you mean it.

If you are doing tea tell him. If he arrives before tea has finished make him wait until you have fed DS. If he causes you grief, tell him to wait outside in the car.

Be nice to his partner but politely explain that you need to be fair on BOTH children

[TheFrogs]

It's a great idea elastamum but I dont have an email address for him for starters.

Where tea is concerned: when he turns up he expects ds to be ready and that is that. He wont wait. He has before, driven off leaving ds upset. He did collect him the next day but that to me is beyond cruel.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It wont be me he has a go at (we've been split for over 12 years and he knows he has no power to hurt me so he doesn't bother), he'll just be arsy with ds instead, ds knows this so would promptly chuck the rest of his food in the bin saying he was full.

His partner is lovely and i've spoken to her before but she really cant do anything...no-one has ever been able to reason with him. He's not vindictive or manipulative, just totally inconsiderate (and not very bright).

I'm bloody seething my dd is hurt over it though...seems whatever I do it hurts one of them

[gillybean2]

He will walk all over you while you let him. If you have no email address write a letter and pass it to him when he drops ds off, or post it to him and his NP (I assume you know their home address if ds is dgoing there?) recorded delivery.

Keep lots of copies and when he is late leave one stuck to the door for him to find after you've taken the dc out.

Keep your letter factual, don't get emotional. Explain why the situation can't continue and that you require details of the times ds will be collected the night before if it is going to be after 4.30pm as you have to organise tea and the other dc around this.

And be out if he doesn't come when he says he will. Hopefully it will resolve itself soon when he sees you mean business and his NP hopefully talks some sense into him but don't bank on it :(

[mamas12]

how old is ds? If he is old enough to talk to him about how things are at the moment with everyone being put out with the lack of a time given then maybe you could come up with a 'solution' to suit him.
As he is the one now who is suffering the most (emotional abuse) as well as the rest of you then maybe he could think of something.
Suggest some of the things mentioned here. ie telling him a time and then not be here. Or is he old enough to get a bus/train on him own and he be picked up his end?
Surely he can't argue or piss about with a train timetable.

[TastyMuffins]

My ex is equally hopeless at giving times. He will used to communicate by text but doesn't usually answer the phone to me. Although he seems to have been busy the last couple of months so we haven't heard from him. If he sends a text saying he wants to see DS at the weekend, I reply back with 'What time do you want to pick him up and what time do you want to return him?'. Don't usually get a sensible reply back, sometimes something as vague as 'After school' with no mention of a return time, often the reply takes days to come through. I don't usually consent to contact unless I have been given times. DS is oblivious to these text exchanges so if he doesn't see his Dad is not upset (ex often cancels at the last minute so I don't usually tell DS too early). Contact was never as frequent as every week for us.

The return is was usually a problem for us. If no actual time has been confirmed and the arrangement is something as vague as 'after football'. I don't confine myself to the house waiting unless I plan to be in anyway and if ex phones up to say he is bring DS back and I'm not there tough. This has resulted in a couple of silly arguments earlier this year with ex getting arsey because I am not going to be home or wherever he has chosen to drop off DS until 15 minutes later than he wants to return him.

I try to remember to ask ex if he will provide DS with tea/lunch as he is also in the habit of bringing him back around 2pm having not had lunch and not mentioning it to me!

My ex also does not have email so on occasion I have written to him recorded delivery (or whatever it's called where you have to sign for it) with a factual letter stating what is required. If he doesn't do texts, write to him and either state times that suit and fix them or request a time from him either fixed or to be given in advance for each weekend.