Skype and Contact

[newhorizon]

I wonder could you offer me some advice please. I'm at a total loss what to do.

Just a bit of history, my ex walked out on us (our dd is 4) in January. Went back to the UK and is now due to be married to ow later this year.

Our dd is devastated. She's heartbroken, playing up at school etc. Ex has made little or no contact, so I decided to contact him a few weeks ago. He arranged to skype our dd. He was abrupt with her, couldn't relate to her and then cut her off.

I arranged another skype date a few days later but she refused to talk to him. I just thought she was tired and told him I would contact him a few days later to arrange another skype date. Since then dd refuses to talk to him. I have told him this, but he has not responded so I take it he is not interested. I contact him by email only.

Every couple of days, I ask if she wants to talk to daddy, but tonight she told me, he doesn't make her happy and doesn't love her. She has said similar things over the last few months. This coming from a 4 year old.

I really feel I could not force her to go on skype and I try to encourage her as much as possible.

He will not commit to plan any visits to see his dd claiming he is low in cash (he does not pay child maintenance and has a good job) and he would be too long away from home. It's the UK, not Australia!

I found out last year, he has a 21 year old and he walked out on her too.

I'm afraid this lack of contact will affect my daughter's future. I'm between a 'rock and a hard place', what would you do?

Sorry for the long post.

[cestlavielife]

you dont say where you are?

but there is no point pushing contact iand forcing skype f he never gonna turn up in person and is abrupt with her . what is the point?

your dd is right - he doesnt love her.

agree with her it is very sad situation (you dont have to agree he does not love her)
and tell her it is ok becuse she has you and also [friends/relatives/aunties/uncles] etc.

and get on with planning something nice to do tomorrow

carry on with your life.
keep showing your dd how strong you are and that you two together will be fine.

[cestlavielife]

think of it as tho he is dead - but not dead. a photo, a mirage. not real.

she knows she had a dad, someone who made her. she knows who she is...yu an explain some people are not good at being daddies. that is it - til the day he bucks up .

jsut answer her questions honestly as you can.

"Every couple of days, I ask if she wants to talk to daddy," - stop asking her. wait til she asks.

[PinkCarBlueCar]

Oh, bless you and your DD. That's so sad for you both.

First off, you cannot force him to be a decent human being, and from what you say, he has form for being such an enormous twunt.

I'm tempted to ask how you found out that he has a 21 yr old he walked out on, and what he had to say about it, but that's all by the by.

I think all you can do is concentrate on re-assuring DD that what has happened is her father's lack / fault / problem, and whilst she is part of him, she can make her own decisions to do the right thing. That she is loved and cherished by you.

brb

[newhorizon]

Thanks for the reply ceslavie, sorry forgot to say. I'm in Ireland.

I just feel so guilty, wish I could do more for her. Thank god, we have very busy lives. I've just taken the week off work to be with her and we're having a great time together. We were out today picknicking with 10 other kids. She had a ball!

She just mentions him at vunerable times, usually when she's in bed. I think she realises he is now gone for good. I can't get my head around how he could do this to his dd but then there's a history.

[PinkCarBlueCar]

It's from this thread where there had been DV in the relationship, so somewhat different from what you've posted.

That said, I think the gist of the post by SlamBang is excellent and it will doubtless form the basis of anything I have to say to my DD if her mother does actually stop having contact with her:


"I think you have dealt with it fantastically so far. I think if his dad was abusive you have to be honest to ds in as 5 yr old appropriate way as possible. Just go with the simple facts...

Your dad was not good at being a dad and he wasn't nice to mummy. He made us sad so I decided we would be happier without him.
He didn't want to be a real dad to you because he doesn't really know how to be a good dad. Some grownups aren't able to be kind to their children. He doesn't know how lovely and amazing you are because he has never really got to know you.
After that time he made another baby with a different mummy. I don't think he lives with that little boy. Because that boy has the same dad as you he is a kind of brother but sadly we can't get to know that brother because I don't know his mummy.
Your dad sometimes sees that little boy but I guess he is not a very kind dad to that boy either because he is not able to be nice.

If ds does ask why his dad sees his brother but not him (my guess is he wont at this stage) I'd give the honest answer that you don't know why and his dad must be very stupid to miss out on such a lovely fantastic person."


And what cestlavielife said - stop asking her, wait till she asks you.

[newhorizon]

You're very good, thanks Pink.

I tell her regularly she is loved. She has great grandparents also who think the world of her and a very active social life (better than me lol).

During the day, she is quite happy, but like us 'grown ups' she lets it out when she's tired and emotional.

I found out about the 21 year old as she contacted him through FB. I don't know the history for sure but he told me at the time he was not allowed contact, which I'm sure now is total bullsh**t.

[PinkCarBlueCar]

Thought I recognised the name and situation - found your previous thread. He offered Skype, didn't he?

And then he does this to you and DD. What a cock.

It's hard, but you need to move on (at least in front of your DD), so that she has a chance of adjusting to this too.

It would be nice to think that he will man up to having a relationship with your DD in the future, but between the 21 yr old and his current behaviour, it seems unlikely, and that's something which you must bear in mind.

[newhorizon]

Thanks for your advice Pink and for the previous thread from Slambang.

I do feel in my 'heart of hearts' I have done everything I could to try and encourage some sort of a relationship for my dd, but he's no interest and dd knows it.

As you say, It's time now to give up and move on.

[PinkCarBlueCar]

"not allowed contact" - either he treated both that DD and her mum incredibly badly, or it is BS to cover himself. I'm going with the former too, otherwise you'd be talking about some extreme DV he'd subjected you to.

I think this other daughter shows the way he compartmentalises - from what you say, she contacts him on FB, he knows who she is, but has never mentioned to you that he had this daughter, even though you were together for some years and have a child together. That would be how / why he had the ow / other life which he has gone to now and you knew nothing about it - he knew he had another daughter and said nothing to you.

[PinkCarBlueCar]

As I think of it, keep any / all correspondence you have between you and him concerning DD and contact.

It could be of use if anything goes to court (unlikely - his MO seems to be move forward, don't look back), and if it's ever necessary, DD could see some / all of it if she ever needed to know what had happened. I'm thinking if she tracks down her father in the future and gets told that you "didn't allow contact"...

[PinkCarBlueCar]

d'oh. Meant latter, not former. Must be bedtime.

[newhorizon]

Oh yes, some piece of work. I had no reason to think badly of him until I heard about the 21 year old daughter and then I didn't really know what to think. In all honesty I didn't know him at all. Some role model for my dd.

This is a pattern and he will move on again to some poor other sod.

[newhorizon]

That's why I correspond through email as I'm safeguarding for future. Thanks pink...bedtime!