He flies in, buys £400 dinner, invites them to something lovely & flies out again

[BurghIsland]

I'm SO ANGRY! After years of mostly happy, but challenging single parenting (Ex swanned off to live abroad), the last 4 years having proven to be particularly emotionally demanding - (boys now 20 and 17).

• who's studying what; who's not working hard enough; who's talking like a gangster (just to infuriate me?); who's got a tattoo; who has an obsessive 'fan' on facebook; who's having to listen to lectures from 6th form college hd of dept on the failings of a private school education (sic); who's being asked to possibly leave college (oh dear have we become that cliche?); who then receives offer from first choice uni.
  

... all this while keeping the financial, physical and emotional ship afloat!

AND HE (the ex) has the temerity to fly in every couple of months to see his boys, take them for lobster, or sea bass and fine wine, invite them for a wine tasting or skiing weekend, and then flies out again. I COULD SCREAM. Where's the parenting?????? I know I have years of great memories that he does not, but he hasn't had all the crap either.

I know some of this is just jealousy, but I needed to let it out!!

I remember darling son said early on: "when parents get divorced you're supposed to buy the children lots of presents. why aren't we getting lots presents?" Well, they're certainly getting them now!

[cestlavielife]

it is crap but they wil look back alter in life and know who brought them up .
leave them to enjoy the gifts from absent dad.

[AMAZINWOMAN]

Your kids are old enough to know who has been the real parent. They may not appreciate it now, but they will do.

[NoCarbsBeforeMarbs]

Agree with cestlavie and AMAZIN.
You're the real parent.

My XH is similar, pays min maintenance (though I know I'm lucky to get any!) and then swans around with his flashy car and £3000 watches taking DS out on days I can't afford.

It's crap, and you have my sympathy (for what it's worth!)
or maybe seeing it's after 12, for you.

[NoCarbsBeforeMarbs]

Missed a , there.
His stupid watches don't take DS out. Though for their ridiculous price, I'd expect them to.

[whiteandnerdy]

I've been a single parent looking after DSS and his brothers for over 12 years now. I can remember his biological father pulling up in his Lotus Elise, and his fancy clothes, taking his son out buying him DKNY clothes. I just felt sorry for him to be honest, I'd replaced him as his son's father figure, having the father-son relationship that he'd lost. If I could help the guy out to find what he had lost, I would, alas somethings lost simply can't be found, and somethings that get broken simply can't be fixed, no matter how much money you have. But I guess most single parents know that.

[oldenoughtowearpurple]

Thank god you split up. What a tosser.

Now your boys are grown up you can make it clear to them exactly what you think

[gillya]

What a tosser.
.
BurghIsland is a great name, what a great place

[littlemum007]

Has he got a brother!

[littlemum007]

just joking!

[brehon]

Don't worry too much. They will remember who wiped their noses, who bandaged their wounds and who was there when they needed a hug. Let them get what they can out of him, sounds like that's all he is. You can't buy love. Hugs, kisses and being there for them vs dinner, skiing and crap? I think we know what lasts longer.

[sincitylover]

was going to start my own thread but will post here - exh has just swanned off on expensive holiday with family no 2 owing me money (which I need to buy food) with a promise of possibly transferring money later in the week.

Muggins (ie me) will have to take two days off work to take over his 'duties' whilst he's gone and also take them to the airport week after next to join them on holiday.

Basically I facilitate and subsidise his new set up. But because I don't want to look like the unhinged ex wife and because otherwise my dcs would miss out on sporting activities I suck it up.

I do know that his new P (soon to be wife) has no idea of his financial circumstances but again I stay schtum - again making me look like the nutty ex wife.

What to do? Hopefully by taking moral highground I wil be rewarded eventually. And I do know my dcs know what I do and can see right through him.

[macdoodle]

Same here its shite isnt it, he bought DD1 a top of the range £280 ipod for xmas but doesnt pay the CSA ordered maintenance, which I need for food and clothes. Twats all of them.

[ToothbrushThief]

Yup....... I get all the hard graft of parenting and I finance it all. He donates a small amount (one grocery shop) and thinks he is 'keeping me' ignoring the clothes/school trips/shoes/fuel costs/driving lessons etc that I finance.

Plus I get all the work

I suspect my DC will realise one day but I also think they love their Dad and it's unconditional.

Because I love them unconditionally I accept that (mostly)

Some days I think something is seriously wrong with society that women are working/bringing up the family and men can just walk away and play (Apologies at the generalising and I know many men are fab dads.... I just wish I'd picked one of you!)

[sincitylover]

Hi Mac D have also posted on your other thread.

he also found the money to buy them clothes (nice gesture) but specifically for the holiday as he doesn't approve of my clothes choices and so they look right to friends of his p (who they are staying with)

My ds1 likes sports branded stuff and ds2 will wear anything from anywhere. But exh thinks that's not acceptable and tends to get them stuff from boden and gap. Nothing wrong with those companies but not the only ones. And he insisted on washing all the new stuff and reluctantly gave it to me to pack. Wanted to take it with him in advance of the holiday. Weird huh?

[macdoodle]

You wonder what we saw in them in the first place :(

[ninah]

well the flip side of this is a comment by my dss who is in his early 20s - 'I see my dad as a bank, these days'
very sad for all concerned

[brehon]

macdoodle. If the CSA has ordered him to pay maintenance - get on to them. If he is working they can take it directly from salary. If they take too long about it put in an official complaint. If he's been told to pay and doesn't he's breaking the law. You need it, get it!