this happened throughout our relationship and is still happening now WRT dcs. i have spoken to him, i have broken down in tears out of frustration and he promised it would change and it hasn't.
EXP is forces and doesn't have regular leave. he could be home 3 weekends in a row and then not back again for 6 weeks so we have no formal arrangement and it would be pointless to try and set one up. i am happy for him to have the dcs for the entire time he is home if that's what he wants (it never is) so this isn't an issue about him having contact. i want them to see him as much as possible, i have no concerns about them while he has them etc.
this is basically what happens. he will text/ring asking to have the boys on X day. i ask what time, he says he will let me know as he doesn't know his plans. i push him for a time and he says he will ring me first thing in the morning to let me know. so the morning will come and go and no phonecall. i will text him asking what is happening and he will usually not reply. i give it an hour (by which point it is usually 2/3pm) and ring him, no answer. so i text again asking him to let me know if he is still having the boys. he will either reply saying "on my way now" or he will not reply but just turn up at the house. this is fine on a saturday/sunday if i have no plans. but the thing is, i want to be able to make plans and i cant as long as i am waiting on him to decide what he's doing. i can't just make myself unavailable for the day and take the dcs because they know he is on leave and want to see him. i wont do that to them. i got so frustrated and upset one time that i told him his behaviour had caused me to miss lunch with my friend and that her day was now messed up too, to try and make him realise that otehr people are affected by his behaviour. he promised then that he would try harder. i pointed out that he had said that before and it hadn't happend. he promised it would.
it has happened again today. yesterday evening he had ds1 and when he brought him home he said he would take both of them again today, asked how ds2 was in the cinema, i said i wouldn't recommend it. so he ummed and ahhed about whether to take both or just ds1. i asked if he would lift ds1 from school or should I. he said he would let me know that and whether he was taking both boys or just ds1. i asked when. he said "i will ring you in the morning" i made him promise saying that i had things to do today and if he was going to take both dcs then i would wait til then to do the grocery shopping as it would be easier without the dcs, but if he was only taking ds1 then i would go in the morning and then get back to my house packing in the afternoon while ds2 slept. so no phonecall came. i texted him at 11.45 asking what his plans were. no reply. i texted again at 12.35 telling him i needed an aswer so i knew whether to collect ds1 from school or not and reminded him taht he promised to ring this morning. i have still had no reply. obviously i will go and collect ds1, that isn't a problem. but i need this to stop happening. i can't put days of my life on hold just because he cant decide what he's doing for the day or cant let me know he's not taking them if that si what he has decided. i dont want to start playing games by being unavailable. it isn't fair on my dcs when they see so little of him and know when he is home on leave. how do i get trhough to him that it is so disrespectful to treat someone like this? he is in the forces, his life is ruled by order and time. he has no issue being on time at work. how can i get him to see that i deserve to be able to plan my day and god forbid arrange to do something with my rare childfree time. i would like to be able to ring a friend a few days in advance and arrange coffee, but i cant because i cant depend on him turning up at all never mind on time. and it isn't fair on my friends to expect them to come for coffe at 20 minutes notice.
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15 replies
BooyHoo · 14/06/2011 13:02
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