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How To Have An Easier Life

(7 Posts)
coldtits Sun 09-Jan-11 10:22:44

Refusing to discuss problems makes them go away and never bother you again. It ACTUALLY REVERSES TIME, and ensures that every cock up you make is Gone Forever. The best way to refuse to discuss problems is to snarl "I'm not fucking talking to you" - the other person will immediately accept that you are Not Talking About It, and therefore There Is No Problem. Another useful method is to singsong "Yeah, yeah, whatEVER!" and slam the phone down. Far from being a prepubescent ploy, this actually Reverses Time Itself, meaning that not only are you Not Talking About It, but you Did Not, in fact, Do ANYTHING, and how dare they say you did?

These methods have their drawbacks. For example, if you are of short stature or youthful demeanor, they can result in people thinking you are actually twelve years old. Whilst that could be fun for a while, you will soon get peeved with the lack of beer and gambling this affords you.

Another drawback is the reaction of the person you are using this method with. Having been subjected most of their lives to such flawed methods as A Reasonable Conversation, Just Answer Me Yes Or No, and For the Love Of God, Will You Make Some Eye Contact While I Talk About His Asthma Medication, their reaction to being told that your are Not Fucking Talking About That can be unacceptably extreme. They may start raising their voices (a unacceptable stressor in an otherwise perfect day) or making unreasonable statements such as "But they're your damn kids! Why the Hell do you have to ask your girlfriend before you come and see them?"

You may need to end such lines of attempted conversation abruptly, to enforce the idea that you are Not Talking About This. Methods include walking out, turning your back, slamming the phone down and in extreme cases, a volley of profanity should be effective enough to make the other party realise he/she is getting absolutely nowhere with this line of enquiry.

As a result of lack of discussion, you can expect your life to change for the better. People will start to be clearer in their conversation, speaking in short, easy to understand sentences such as "Pick them up at ten am. Return them at six pm. Take their inhalers with you" instead of awkward questions about why you have stopped seeing so much of them, and when you are going to start seeing them as much as you used to. Instead of asking you to complete pointless and onerous childcare task such as caring for your children whilst your ex partner works, your ex partner will start to say things like "I will use the school aftercare club. It's easier."

Remember, anything that makes your life simpler and less demanding is a good thing, and don't forget - there ARE no consequences if you Never Said That At All, You Fucking Lying Bitch!

TrinityMotherOfRhinos Sun 09-Jan-11 10:26:05

you should be a writer

and <hugs>

coldtits Sun 09-Jan-11 10:32:28

That was this || close to going on my Facebook Status, but I am womanfully struggling to Keep It Classy.

whitetulips Sun 09-Jan-11 10:47:16

if it were a fb status, I would like it!
Brilliant, and keep your chin up.

TrinityMotherOfRhinos Sun 09-Jan-11 10:47:56

well done for offloading it on here instead
<more hugs>

beingsetup Sun 09-Jan-11 12:55:52

I see you've met my ex hmm

maledetta Wed 12-Jan-11 13:03:08

Yes, and if you tell all and sundry that you don't have a third son, then he magically ceases to exist.Just like that!

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