Talk

Advanced search

feeling alone again..

(18 Posts)
hariboegg Fri 07-Jan-11 16:32:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

umma Fri 07-Jan-11 18:24:27

sending you a hug. I've been there and sometimes still feel the same.I'm getting divorced too. What do you think would make you feel happier?

Do you have friends and family in RL to support you? Or do you have time on your own to make new friends? Night class or something?

Internet dating? xx

houseproject Fri 07-Jan-11 19:09:57

Hi,

It can be so hard being a lone parent but it won't always be like this. I once heard that it can take 2-4 years to get over a separation and I feel if you have children (and are trying to rebuild a life) it will take a reasonable amount of time. Don't think about it as wasted time, it's can be healing/learning time. Most people who rush into another relationships regret it - nothing is as bad as being in a bad relationship so don't settle for less.
What things do you enjoying doing? I found that once my child was able to go solo to events/parties/activities I was able to finally get some 'me' time which gave me energy which in turn made me feel happier - not surprisingly I then met DH.
One advice is do say Yes to events - something we are offered invites but we're so conditioned to say no.

I now look back on the lone parenting days fondly - my dd & I had fun together (not always!) but we do have good memories and I built a wonderful bond with her which lasts today. At the time I couldn't see it but now I really appreciate my solo parenting days.

StellaBrillante Fri 07-Jan-11 19:20:01

What houseproject has said it's so true and I speak from personal experience, unfortunately. I now look back and think "what was I thinking?!?!". Not much by the looks of it. I now know and firmly believe that a. you do need time to heal even if it seems that it's more painful / lonely when you are on your own; b. don't settle for less and rushing into a new relationship is likely to lead to that (we try to project our crushed hopes onto that person, who is never going to live up to it! or very rarely does anyway...). Hang in there and I agree with previous replies that it does get easier as the children become older. Having said that, I not long ago posted a thread about attending school events on your own which I still find incredibly painful. It reminds me that the Valentine's Ball is coming up... maybe the super-fit rugby coach IS single after all?!?! Kidding!
BIG HUGS!!!! smile

bettiboo Fri 07-Jan-11 20:08:41

Hi,I think it's important to remember that you're probably single because you're not really at that point yet where you're in a place to be with someone. Your little one really needs you and I'm guessing you're putting them first. It's hard when they're younger, but trust me, before you know it, your little one will be old enough to leave at a class or a party and get invitations to sleep overs etc. hey presto, you get some you time and with your little one having their own life you can loosen up a bit and get on with yours. In the meanwhile, make the most of these moments to love yourself and selfishly enjoy putting yourself and your little one first before you inevitably meet someone.

bettiboo Fri 07-Jan-11 20:11:12

Hi,I think it's important to remember that you're probably single because you're not really at that point yet where you're in a place to be with someone. Your little one really needs you and I'm guessing you're putting them first. It's hard when they're younger, but trust me, before you know it, your little one will be old enough to leave at a class or a party and get invitations to sleep overs etc. hey presto, you get some you time and with your little one having their own life you can loosen up a bit and get on with yours. In the meanwhile, make the most of these moments to love yourself and selfishly enjoy putting yourself and your little one first before you inevitably meet someone. Oh and start ringing everyone you know (regularly for catch ups) and force yourself to try new things to get to know new people, for example going to a kids yoga class to meet new mums.

dobiegirl Fri 07-Jan-11 20:50:50

Agree with what bettiboo said especially the part about being able to be selfish and care only about yourself and your child, I used to feel the same as you, wished there was someone to take a few punches for me, (from life that is, not any enemies I might have, lol)But then I just realised that if I got with someone (although I NEVER get chance to meet anyone) I would honestly just be using them as a distraction from being me, from having to spend time with myself and finding out about me - does that make sense? The relationship would never last because it wouldn't really be about the other person, it would be about wasting time, it would be about thinking I had someone just like everyone else seemed to have someone, it would just be about me settling for someone because I didn't want to be alone. What am I trying to say is, there is no harm in being alone - TRY to enjoy it for the time being.

Besides Your little son is 3, times go so fast, you should enjoy it, try it. I know life is boring for the majority of time and we don't always get the things we want when we want them, but things change and over time you'll see that!!

When you're in a happier place with yourself, you'll meet someone - it always seems to happen that way.

I have a 4 year old and an 18 month old and I'm single, and I don't spend time with people much anymore because I've found that even if I meet with anyone, I can't concentrate on a conversation for more than two minutes because my kiddies get up to stuff, so in the end it usually feels like more hassle than it's worth, and most of my 'friends' only seem to want to talk about themselves and thier problems and seem to see us and our lives as an afterthought anyway.

Hope you feel happier soon,xx

woodlands1 Fri 07-Jan-11 23:12:10

Hi, First time on here as it is another Friday night and again I am stuck in the house. Been a LP now for 7 months and I am finding it is getting harder not easier. DD is 19 months and due to the nursery being shut Xmas and new year have now been home with DD since 23rd December. I know I should be grateful for this time with her but I am finding it hard going as I have had no family support. She has not seen her dad since 24 th December and i am menat to be grateful that he will see her this Sunday for a few hours- to give me a break...

At least on Monday I will be back to the groundhog day of the working day and then I will feel guilty all over again for being a full time working mum ans still having to juggle all the balls in the air on my own

I am glad to see that I am not alone in feeling like this as I thought that I was and feel very guilty about it.

Sending hugs to all other LP out there xx

pickgo Fri 07-Jan-11 23:28:16

Is your DS in nursery? Do you get any time to yourself? If not focus on sorting it so that you do get some breaks. At 3 he is entitled to 5 free sessions I think?
I put off sending DS to pre-school when he was little and it wasn't until he started school that I realised I'd actually been quite depressed and that having some time to myself made a huge difference.
It IS hard as a LP but it can also be pants being married [grins].
Hope you have a good weekend <<hugs>>

spongebobby Sat 08-Jan-11 02:23:04

I kno how u feel hariboegg. I myself have gone from being a social happy chatty fun person with lots of friends to a reclusive odd paranoid one with zero friends or anyone since becoming a single parent.

I don't have one bit of regret or anything I love my son so much, but I do sometimes wonder where my life went and how its got to this point, the only time I ever feel true happiness is when i'm with him and he's happy, when he's in school though I get very depressed and anxious, I have nobody to talk to at all and it's like i'm removed from normality, for the past 2yrs i've been getting random but regular chest pains too which I think are because i'm so stressed, can't b a heart attack cos painkillers help bring them down.

I feel totally isolated and to top it for about 6yrs now I have been getting so much bad luck its unreal.

Your not alone in this alot of single parents experience similar feelings, it sure helps me to know there are others in the same boat, not that i'd wish it on anyone but just that I don't feel so odd anymore knowing its just something that can and does happen to anyone and so its not just me or that i'm being punished for something or like.

wishing u all the best.

bettiboo Sat 08-Jan-11 10:46:24

Hi LP's. I wanted to say that things do get better. Please don't feel guilty about being a working mum. I have been since my DS was 6 months old and he is a well rounded, sociable boy and now hates it when I pick him up early because he has so much fun being with other children. It's really important that we also have time for us without our children. I'm sure we all adore our children and in an ideal world, we would all have men in our lives, but in the meanwhile please put yourself first. Put the baby/child in childcare or an class that lasts an hour or so. Use that time to go for a run, read a book, go to the gym, have a bath - it's amazing the difference it makes to you and the happiness of your children. If you're happy then your children will be happy too. We're not just mothers, as individuals we're also important and deserve love and attention. Who better to give that love and attention than yourself. We all deserve to love ourselves. The first thing we do that makes us amazing is that we have the capacity to adore our children, the next thing we can do is have the capacity to love ourselves, it will make all the difference. Sorry about the lengthy post, but I think you're all wonderful and just wanted to say it.

Antalya1 Sat 08-Jan-11 14:02:15

I know how you feel, and you can see from the post on here that there are lots that have been through this as well, and still going through it and feeling how you do.

I was by myself from ds's being 3 1/2 and 6 months, came back into this country and after living abroad all my adult life and had to build a life from total scratch.

As they get older, it does get better and you have more freedom, but your problem is now, not in a few years time.

You've also been through the worst time of the year, Christmas and New Year when it appears that everyone is having a fanastic happy family time with loads going on which makes you feel even more isolated and lonely.

Thinking back I did all the shopping thing to pass time, take Ds's on tram and then to huge toy shops and maccy dee's for a ever so healthy 'happy meal'.

I also made pals from school (at 3 your ds won't be at school) but nursery? Even if it was only a coffee with them, that human conact for an hour a day can be life saver.

I don't know what your money sitauation is like, mine was absolutly dire, but I did join a gym with a creche and went there everyday.

Having a little bit of money in your pocket does open up the options a little, such as odd local classes that may be running locally, but even so some colleges do have a creche and will offer places free or cut-price.

Your not feeling sorry for yourself, it's just a rubbish time that you're going through.

googoomama Sat 08-Jan-11 15:34:06

Haribo - I know the feeling. Come on the Chin up Tits out thread tonight love and have a chat. We're all in the same boat! Lots of love x

hariboegg Sat 08-Jan-11 15:35:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hariboegg Sat 08-Jan-11 15:39:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bettiboo Sat 08-Jan-11 15:45:52

Awh haribo, you're not nothing and your life is changing course which is really scary. You can take control, you've already done it. You met a friend, you're going to the gym, you're allowing your DC go to his dad, these are all positive things. I find it helpful to plan things, so if I know I'm going to have some spare time I contact friends to see who's about (often there's no one), I get a good book etc. (go to the cinema on your own, or find a hobby) I think the key is to start to allow yourself to relax and enjoy the time you get to yourself. You're a very busy lady. Stop bloody watching CBeebies - there's much better stuff on tv (says she sitting in her PJ's and barely moved off the sofa all day sitting on the computer). I used to hate having nothing to do and no one to do it with and now I just indulge myself. Chocolate always help me too (and the odd bottle of nice wine). You WILL get your life back - I promise!

googoomama Sat 08-Jan-11 15:45:52

You will be ok. You are going to build a life without him this year. It will be hard but it will be the most important and possible the most wonderful journey you will ever make...I promise x see you later

LittleBeaut Sun 09-Jan-11 10:43:02

Hi, I havent read all the responses yet so if I'm repeating anything I'm sorry!!

My partner walked out on me and our two boys 18months ago. And the best thing I did was hammer facebook and set up invitations for nights out with girls I used to be close to but dont see so often because of busy lives etc. We usually have a little get together or try to get together once a month now... two of us are single two are happily married, but we have a laugh and enjoy getting together.

The only thing I will say is... that my ex now often throws the line "you only live for your weekends now so you can go out and get p*ssed" and looks at me in disgust. So my advice there would be not to let you ex know anything about your new social life. They can start getting jealous - he has a new partner who he's living with now so I dont really get it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now