what do you all do if you have a fight with DH?

[Bottleofmilk]

do you all have some one to talk to in RL? Just had massive row with DH and we hardly ever do, and this one is the worst we have ever had, and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Like, if I call a friend back home, it sort of blows it all out of proportion, I dont know. Sorry, just having a 'it's shit to be an expat' day

[belgo]

Is there any way you can make friends in your new country? Any expat grousp, baby groups etc?

Of course you can phone your friends back home, it won't necessarily blow it out of proportion and may even help you put the argument into perspective. Everyone needs to talk.

[belgo]

What country are you in?

[Bottleofmilk]

Yes, I have made some inroads into making friends, but I've only been here a month, and I'm not the sort of person who is very comfortable talking about things at the best of times, can't imagine discussing my marriage with people I have only really just met. Especially as this argument was so distressing.

Thanks for saying that about calling a friend from home, I am probably not giving them enough credit! It's just, I want I hug and a cup of tea and some distraction from someone who knows me and loves me :-( you know?

[Bottleofmilk]

In the ME

[Bottleofmilk]

And thanks for replying straight away, it's very kind

[belgo]

Moving to a new country is very stressful, and arguments are normal if you are both still adjusting and finding your feet.
I'm sure once you've you've had a chat about it to a friend, you'll feel better.

[Bottleofmilk]

This isn't our first move, it's about the 4th or 5th, I don't know why things are going so wrong. Maybe that's also why I am not calling anyone at home about it, because I don't know where to start really.

[Beachcomber]

I know the feeling! I had a big disagreement with DH last night - we didn't sleep together and then he went out to work early this morning (I work from home). I have lived here for 15 years and do have friends but everybody is working/on holiday today. Also I find it harder to talk about stuff with friends from here as lots of them are also DH's friends as they are friends we have made together here. I don't want to talk about him to them behind his back. I definitely find it harder to be completely myself here (France) and therefore don't have the closeness of my friendships from home.

Last night I felt really frustrated and nearly called my best mate in the UK but didn't as we haven't spoken for a few weeks and I didn't want her to feel that I was calling her just to moan. I know she has quite a lot of news to share and it would feel really selfish to call her up and talk about myself. If we lived closer together we would have seen each other over the weekend and it wouldn't feel like that.

Today I feel shitty and would love to go and see my UK friends or my sister. The children are here because it is still the holidays and I have a big pile of camping gear to put away plus work stuff to catch up on (moan moan moan!!!).

I do have one close female friend here that I could normally have a hug/cup of tea with but she is having a tough time of her own at the moment and I don't want to bother her.

If you have only been where you are for a short time, you must feel pretty lonely - not a nice feeling I know. Of course you will make friends in time but that isn't going to help you today. At least we have MN!

[Beachcomber]

Just wanted to add, I hate the 'but I don't have anywhere to go' feeling that I get when I have an argument with DH and I want to go and clear my head and have a bit of female closeness.

I think as well although I have been here for a long time, we have moved around a bit, and somehow the friends you make as an adult with children, don't seem to be quite the same as those you make when you are younger. The closeness just isn't there.

Anyway sending you hugs and 'I know how you feel vibes' - sorry for going on about me!

[Bottleofmilk]

Thank you beachcomber, all I can say is yes! It's so good to have someone understand. Things are also exacerbated by the fact that DH and I are really each others best friends and now I feel even doubly bereft, and really cut adrift.

Sorry, that sounds a bit melodramatic, but honestly, I can't remember ever feeling so shit after a disagreement. And I feel as though I don't have the tools to fix this :-(

[Beachcomber]

You're welcome - wish I could help more.

I think unfortunately when you live away from home you do depend more on your relationship for friendship - you don't have the choice really. I think that means that arguments/upsets seem much worse because you need the other person to be kind to you more than you otherwise would. Does that make sense?

My DH has a tendency to be critical, and I have explained a lot to him that I am a much more vulnerable person here than I am at home. At home I would tell where to go with his critical nature but here I don't have the same self-esteem/confidence, etc.

Not helped by DH and I being of different nationalities and cultures - sometimes we just don't get each other due to this. Are you and your DH both from the UK?

[Bottleofmilk]

Actually, we aren't from the uk as such, as in we are British but other than living there for a couple of years each, we are nomads. Both expat brats! And now expat adults.

Yes, exactly, we do need to be kinder to each other than you would normally have to be when you have other support systems in place, and it's exactly that which has sort of disappeared in then last year or so.before, we could have a disagreement or discussion without hurting each other. Now, it's as though we can't talk about anything potentially difficult because it ends in shouting and things been thrown around :-( I honestly don't recognize us at the moment and as usually, when we have a problem we turn TO each other, not away, Ive not really been in a position where I have had to speak to friends or family about my marriage. Does that makes sense?

And you ARE helping. Honestly.

[Beachcomber]

Gosh the nomad/expat with expat brat history thing sounds pretty tricky.

Perhaps you are going through one of those 'rock bottom' phases in your relationship, I find they pop up from time to time without any real reason (other than the usual personality differences/emotional baggage we both bring to the relationship). DH and I generally get on normally and are close, but sometimes we go through phases of feeling very frustrated with each other and very distant. I suspect this is normal in a long term relationship but it isn't much fun when it is happening.

If you are normally good friends with your DH and haven't needed to confide in people about your marriage up until now, that sounds very positive. Moving around must put a lot of stress on you both - perhaps that is eating away at your relationship?

[Bottleofmilk]

You know, I think you may have something there, we usually try to stay a minimum of 3 years in a place, but we have just done 2 two year stints and it's been much much more stressful. And then of course, we had a baby. And that obviously makes things much harder!

I think I am feeling despondent because DH and I have been together 15 years and I don't remember us ever being so out of sync. But maybe we were just overdue? I don't know, I just want us to go back to how we were before. Am worried all this fighting is doing damage at the foundation level, you know? But on the othe hand, other people manage to fight with their dhs and it's not such a big deal! Maybe I should just suck it up?

See, this is the problem with not talking things out with friends and family,you lack perspective! So I really appreciate you taking the time to give yours beachcomber :-)

[Beachcomber]

Moving around like that plus having a baby sounds like a massive strain. The two of you must be exhausted. 15 years of being in sync sounds like a very solid relationship to me - although I think you are right that fighting is destructive unless it leads to better understanding or the resolving of issues.

Glad to be of help BTW.

Maybe you should phone a close friend and have a bit of an off load, perhaps your DH needs a bit of that too? I think your circumstances sound difficult and do not doubt that your friends/family would understand and want to help if they can.

Having children puts a big strain on a couple, it also changes the dynamic of a relationship - having a support network helps to dilute the effects I think. If neither of you have a (geographically) close network that must make things pretty tough. Do you get much time to yourselves to just relax and be together?