Two family members with cancer

[MrsMiniver]

Firstly I would like to wish everyone on this board who is struggling with illness strength and love. It's such a hard time for everyone. My father (88) was diagnosed with myeloma (bone marrow cancer) last year and is now in his last days in a nursing home. It's been horrible, especially for my mother, who doesn't cope well emotionally when things are hard. But he's old and I've made peace with the situation and just want him to be comfortable until the end. I don't like saying this but hopefully it won't be long now.

Two days ago my brother Mark (54) told me he'd just been diagnosed with prostate cancer and that it's quite advanced. It's likely that it can't be cured but is treatable and he may well have a good few years. We just don't know. He has a treatment plan in place but we're all reeling. I have another brother and we've decided not to tell mum yet but that we will in the next couple of weeks. Our reasoning for this is that it will make it easier on Mark and we can all support him as a family. My fear is that it will crush my mother (she's 83) who is already a very negative person and that she'll never be happy again. I keep thinking that it might be better not to tell her at all and just hope that she passes before Mark does. But that seems very infair on him. Any thoughts please?

[Ludoole]

I have no thoughts, im just sorry you are going through this
My partner has terminal cancer (bowel, liver, lymph), as does my df (prostate cancer and also has alzheimers).
All i can say is you know your mother best. X

[whatisforteamum]

Just sending you strength it is hard when anyone is diagnosed with cancer,your brother is fairly young too.I have 2 people as well my Mum and Dad both with rare advanced cancer it has been a dreadful 3 yrs.Mum has had 7 yrs on a 1yr prognosis and Dad has had nearer with small cell prostate cancer one of the most aggressive types so my brother will have tests at 50.I would call macmillan with regards to your Mum they are very helpful and will chat to you about your concerns.So sorry you are in this situation

[PurpleWithRed]

My sister was diagnosed secondaries in the brain suddenly at the end of last year and we didn't tell my mother immediately - my sister didn't want her to know (in denial) and my mother was about to move away from where she'd lived for 70 years so was very fragile. It was a huge mistake, as my mother phoned my sister and got a horrible shock - sister didn't realise how bad her speech had become, Mum is not stupid and had had no warning.

My mother realises that my sister's cancer is terminal: it's horrible for her, but we can't prevent it from happening and Mum has more right than any of us to say goodbye to her daughter in peace and love. Denial is futile and just a way of running away.

I would say include your mum in all this - yes, it may break her, but you can't stop it happening and better she is prepared and supported than gets a horrible shock and resents you for infantilising her.

[therealsquireofwideacre]

No words of advice but very much love and sympathy as you deal with this.

[MrsMiniver]

Thank you all so much for posting, it means a lot to know that we're not alone. Still haven't told her, she's so fragile and full of anger about my dad that we're really worried this will just tip her over the edge. Hoping things will become clearer over the next few days. My brother is being so strong and positive, I'm very proud of him :) I know I have to be strong too, not least for my daughter aged 15 who needs lots of love and support at the moment too.

[therealsquireofwideacre]

You sound as though you're being very brave and I truly feel for you and for Mark. How are things today?

[MrsMiniver]

Squire, we're just about keeping it all together and I'm on a frantic search for all the information I can find so I can help him. Worried about my other brother now too, he has worrying symptoms and is having his PSA tested next week.

I feel for you and your darling bro so much too. I hope you're managing to sleep and are looking after yourself. The time you're spending with him now is so precious and you'll always be glad that you put your own life on hold to be with him.

[therealsquireofwideacre]

Thank you MrsM. My darling brother sits in the hospital looking around at much younger people who are very ill and tells me at least he had a life, it could be so much worse. There is so much love in him that he still feels for everyone else while he is so ill. Anything I do for or with him is the very least I can do for someone so selfless.

I hope your other brother's test results come through quickly. Waiting is agonising. Have you contacted Macmillan? They have been wonderful with me. Isn't it humbling to be on the receiving end of so much kindness. I do wish you and Mark, and all your precious family hope and the strength to get through one day at a time.

[Dowser]

Just a week after her husbands funeral my cousin found out her 30 year old son has aggressive cancer in testicle, lung and lymph nodes.

So sorry for your situation. Cancer is just a horrible frightening illness.

I hope your brother makes a fully recovery.