My children don't want to see me anymore

[aintnuthinbutaSHEthang]

I don't know what to do.

I left my husband last year for multiple reasons. He was abusive and nasty to me for years. I realised I was lesbian and had been since I was a child. I fell in love with a woman I knew. I decided to end my long marriage.
We have 2 children (9 & 11 years).

I live with my female partner whom both kids really like and enjoyed spending time with her. She's brilliant with them, having not had her own children.

The set up was that we had the kids week on-week off 7 nights each between ex and us.

Over the months he used more and more covert tactics that I was completely unaware of - every time the kids played up, I put it down to stress from the divorce or normal behavioural changes due to such a big life change and me coming out.

It was only when I started to get suspicious of their mobile phones (which I pay for), that I checked them in detail for hours and found messages from my ex doing everything from guilt tripping them for being here, mocking me, encouraging the kids to listen to my phone calls and go on my laptop, sending them sick face emojis about me being lesbian, gaslighting them, lying to them, encouraging them to break rules at my house. It had been going on for months and I had no idea. He had been gaslighting me too, the entire time. I had been speaking to him and saying 'do you have any ideas to help the kids?' Or 'have you noticed they've started this behaviour?' to which he would always pretend to be supportive but then tell me it's my own fault for being lesbian.

Anyway, their behaviour got worse and worse, I started to challenge my ex and the things he did. I started talking to the children about why what he was doing and saying was wrong.

My eldest then announced he never wanted to see me again. He doesn't want to come back to see me or my partner. The youngest doesn't feel the same but he's autistic and extremely impressionable so he told me that he would do whatever his brother wanted. I explained he didn't have to do that, but he says he wants to be with his big brother. He really admires him.

A week later, COVID struck. The kids have been with my ex the entire time. They barely even text back. My ex is loving this. He has his new partner there (she's actually lovely, no issues with her, but he treats her the exact same way he treated me and I've already met her to talk about it and she's brainwashed as hell, he's already started laying into her education and her skills and her family).

I text my sons today for the millionth time and told them I missed them. Eldest text back to say 'why are you always starting drama! Every time you contact me it's always to start a problem!'

These are words of his dad for sure. I've heard this a thousand times.

My ex has caused serious harm to me and the kids. The kids now have this weird version of me in their heads where they tell me I've never cooked for them, never spent any time with them, that I never cared about them, that their dad was always doing everything. None of this is true as I did everything for 11 years. My ex has them completely controlled.

I'm lost. I'm so broken. I cry every night. Ex says if I take it to court or try to take action he will drag it out etc - so I'll end up spending tens of thousands by which time kids will he old enough to state they want to be with him.

I feel like I'm grieving my kids.

I just need some support, advice, anything

[HeyDuggeewhatchadoin]

This is called Parental Alienation. I'm so sorry.
All I can think of is to call Women's Aid for help as he is still abusing you and the children, good luck.

[Retirednurse]

This is so sad and unfair. Of course you're grieving. It is parental alienation, I've been through it myself when my boys were younger, they're adults now, one son now has nothing to do with his Dad, he learnt himself the truth. My younger who is on the Autistic spectrum and suffers with mental health will probably never understand the truth.
It's painful and you need to seek help /support. All I can say is don't retaliate, keep a journal. I found writing it all down therapeutic. Your boys will come back to you but the process is hard, sending ((()))

[shamelesschocaholic]

His behaviour is abhorrent. You need to make an application to court for a child arrangements order and have cafcass do a s7 report to deal with the parental alienation. His actions are extremely damaging for the children. Good luck x

[PrincessButtercuppp]

You do need to fight this, you are strong enough. Your children are young and they should see both of you. Get a loan, whatever it takes to get the money to get access to your children

[Wakefield89Russell]

I'm so sorry to hear this, have things got any better? As a fellow lesbian and family woman I can't imagine how heart breaking this is. Take legal action if you need to fight him, which you are strong enough for. Samaritans are a great support I've used when things have felt too much and I've needed a rant