Son in relationship with girl who now identifies as trans

[scarletwoman23]

Hi everyone,
this is my first post here. Kids are not teenage but young adults so hope it's still ok to post.
So, my stepson started dating this girl about 5 years ago and since then his life has changed a lot. He always suffered from low self-esteem and when he started seeing her my husband and I were happy.
However he went from working odd jobs to being on benefits, apparently because he realised he'd suffered several traumas growing up and has developed mental health issues. His girlfriend is also on benefits and they live in their little bubble, not seeing many people.
My stepson still sees us but has cut all ties with several members of his family, including everyone on his mother's side. On his dad's side he has seen family members who visited while he was there but wouldn't make an effort to see them otherwise.
His girlfriend has now come out as transgender and is about to start transitioning. My stepson had decided he is in love with her as a person and will stick with her, come what may.
I am worried he says this now but might see it differently when she starts developing facial hair / having surgery etc.
Whilst being open-minded, he always seemed to be attracted to girls, not to guys and I worry about what this new development will do to his mental health.
Anyone else has ever been in this situation?

[Smallblanket]

No, but I have a DD who is transitioning. I think their generation are pretty relaxed about gender, sexuality etc. I expect he really does want to be with her and doesn't have an issue with the physical changes etc. It's a whole different world out there.

Not sure it's good for her, but I can't see why it would affect his mental health.

[scarletwoman23]

Thank you.
Actually, you're right about his mental health not being affected by THIS development in particular. However I would say his mental health seems to have taken a turn for the worse since he got together with his partner.
He went from a shy, quirky kid, who was just getting started in life, starting on the job market, surrounded by a family who doted on him (even with divorced parents, but that's not unusual anymore) to living on benefits (seemingly as a lifestyle choice), cutting off half of his family, spending his life in a bubble, mainly playing games. These may be signs of depression but I don't know how he can get out of it.
Also, having spent myself 14 years of my life trapped in a relationship which started in my early teenage years and affected my emotional development, affected my relationship with my parents etc, I know it's almost impossible to get out of this sort of situation if you don't understand that there are other options.
But it's something I had to figure out for myself and if my stepson wants out, he will have to figure it out as well.

[Italiangreyhound]

I think it is really important for everyone to know they can end an adult relationship for any reason (or no reason). If they marry, they can divorce. If they have kids, he can still support the children even if he splits up from their mum.

It sounds to me like this woman/trans man has their own path to work out and after five years your step son has thrown his lot in with her.

I think I would try and encourage him to widen his own horizons and seek some paid work. From this may come a new ability to support his partner (encourage her/him in work) or it may be that widening his horizons leads him to see that this isn't the life he wants.

I hope they will both be OK.

[SJaneS48]

I think there are a whole raft of issues here and he’s got himself into a cycle of feeling bad about himself for not working and therefore not confident enough in himself to do anything about this. There are charities that can work with him on this to help ease him back into employment. I don’t know where you live so can’t advise the best local charity but there will be one!

As for his partner, well that is up to him really and if they are meant to be then a change in gender won’t change that. If he is straight and not attracted to his partner after they have transitioned then it might. But that’s on him really and I think I’d be there to listen to if he needed me too but also appreciate he might very well not! My DD’s (25) current partner is gender fluid and for the most part presents as a woman though they are biologically male. DD is pan sexual and has dated both men and women and happily goes with her partners flow and what she wants in the moment to be. To anyone of an older generation this really is all a bit of a mind fuck (please excuse the swears!) but quite honestly, if they seem to be happy, just let them be! We do live in rather a different world than what we grew up in so what would be weird for us is definitely more fluid for them!