Yet another transgender teen daughter

[Mumofrodgteen]

I can’t believe I’m writing this. DD(14) who came out as asexual non binary a year ago, has now told school that she is a boy and wants to be referred to as “he”. The school who enthusiastically embraced her announcement last year have also enthusiastically embraced this announcement. They didn’t even bother telling me - they told my 17 year old DS and he told me.

DD seems to be like so many of the others I’ve been reading about. Happy childhood, very girly, couldn’t wait to be allowed makeup. Then she switched schools at 11 and hit puberty at the same time. Puberty was awful- acne, frizzy hair, glasses, braces and she struggled to fit in at school. That October she ran away from home (fortunately found very quickly). The following year she threatened suicide (toxic bullying “best friend”), the next year was the non binary announcement along with some suicidal poetry. And now this.

She was seeing a Child Psychologist last year who felt she is ASD. DD agree and was at first keen to progress a formal diagnosis then quickly backed off. She has lived in a world of a series of obsessive fantasies since she was little and I can’t see how this is any different- except this time, all the adults around her are validating it. My gut tells me this is harmful.

We started using her preferred name over the summer (so 7-8 months after everyone else) and now I have a bad feeling that was a big mistake. We didn’t see any harm in it, but now she says once we started using it, she started feeling like a boy.

She has no concept of the difference between gender and sex and all she will say is that she is not a girl; she is a boy and that she is uncomfortable with her body and uncomfortable with “she”.

I spoke to someone from CAHMS yesterday who said that officially she needs to see a GP for a referral, but unofficially she’s been seeing loads of these cases and her view is that most will come through it, but it is much harder when it has been enabled by people around her.

I’m exhausted and my DH is at breaking point.

[janeevans]

Hi
I don't like the way schools hide behind data protection or whatever other whim they can think of. It's set you at a disadvantage which you seem to be overcoming. I'm my view things like this could just be a thing - but with the school playing a rather active part this might not be the case.
I've no words of wisdom but just wish you all well. X

[Italiangreyhound]

@Mumofrodgteen it's heart breaking to read your message.

We have a young trans identifying female in the family and it's hard.

I honestly found it very, very difficult to accept and took a long time to use the new name and pronouns.

IMHO the best thing is to use the chosen name and pronouns and to be as accepting as possible. This is not because I believe girls who are on the spectrum and feel they do not fit in, are really boys. But because they are very vulnerable and need our support.

I came to believe with my young relative (teenager) that if there was a change or heart, if there was any danger or any thing else, I would be the last to know since I was so un-accepting. I certainly don't promote it to this young trans person. But I've given up arguing etc. Because arguing and falling out simply drove us apart and I think he needs people close to him who do genuinely care about him.

If you want to read more or listen to things there is just so much out there, there are some interesting young women called pique resistance who you can read about at www.piqueresproject.com

This is very interesting.

I also think it may be really helpful for your child to explore their autism ( if they are on the spectrum), because that is part of them and being able to know about that could be very useful and in a way liberating.

Thinking of you, feel free to PM me if you wish to.

[ryanshetlandd]

Yes being a teenager is very difficult and confusing but maybe the reason he told the school is so he could have some truly accepting adults around him and feel open to his peers but please Trust me when I say let them be if they want to use pronouns or a different name that's fine you have to accept that your daughter may not come back and that you have been blessed by a beautiful son

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

I'm not in your position but one thing I've learned is that if you're concerned about your DC's decision please avoid Mermaids like the plague.

The school will probably be no help, as it has almost certainly have been trained by Mermaids or Stonewall, both uncritical cheerleaders for the medicalised transing of children.

Transgender Trend, for parents questioning the trans narrative, has lots of useful resources, including this section on "Is my child trans?"

4th Wave Now, which describes itself as a community of parents & others questioning the medicalization of gender-atypical youth is another helpful resource.

[dadinprogress]

This message was heartbreaking to read.

IMHO, perhaps the school didn't tell you because your DD had told them that you could react this way? He might've felt that you wouldn't understand, as many teens do. And these "others" you've been reading up about - what on earth do they have to do with this? Everyone is unique. Are you trying to analyse your DD like this rather than talking to her about things, like her gender dysphoria?

I can understand how it is hard but handle this better. You have a suicidal DD who is suffering from dysphoria. You need to stop guessing and go to a GP.

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

Stop it, dadinprogress. You’re pushing suicide ideology and guilt onto the OP, when she has clearly stated that her daughter was suicidal due to bullying, not because she feels that she is trans. The trans embracing is more than likely due to the previous bullying and the usual difficulties of coming to terms with relationships and normal changes in her body.

Watchful waiting is the best approach, rather than getting caught up in the likes of affirmative pushing cults. Prawnofthepatriarchy has made some excellent suggestions.

[Buttinghill]

In UK we have a support group consisting of about 30 families in this situation. It can be found at //ourduty.group

The next support meeting is on 18th January in central London.

We believe that meeting other parents is both informative and therapeutic. There is no handbook on getting through this, yet. However, we can share what works and what doesn't.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

Sorry, your link isn't working.

[Bluebellbike]

www.facebook.com/ourdutygrp

[PinkfluffySlippers63]

Im in the same boat and it's dreadful. You have my sympathy. We have been on the waiting list for GIDS / Tavistock for 20 months. We have seen CAMHS who were quite helpful. I've found a psychotherapist (privately) who I hope we can meet in the New Year to help address the anxiety and confidence issues. She has suggested contacting the Priory whilst we're waiting for GIDS. Again this will all be private..... I"m also looking to get counselling as it's all got too much. I'm hoping for a money tree for Christmas.
GOOD LUCK

[archery2]

I am really sorry to hear about this. There is some advice for parents whose child has 'come out' here:

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/toptentips

It's based on the experience of several dozen parents whose children identify as trans or non-binary, who are cautious about 'affirmation' and want to explore what lies behind their child's new identity. Do please see if there's anything there that could be helpful to you.

I'd strongly endorse the idea of exploring an ASD diagnosis - regardless of the new identity, growing up as an autistic teenager can be tough and school won't be able to reflect their needs if you don't have an official piece of paper. It can also take a long time for a child to accept they are autistic - ultimately though children often really embrace it.

Other excellent links and suggestions in this thread 4th wave is full of excellent wisdom, lots of good data and advice on transgendertrend also. Best of luck.