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Will partner accept if son is gay

(4 Posts)
Kerryjgh Sun 03-Feb-19 11:12:02

Sorry for the long post. Our 12, soon to be 13 son isnt sure if he is gay. Hes having a hard time at school . He feels isolated and has had issues with certain boys that have plagued him with insults since primary, which i think adds to the confusion- everyone has already assumed he is . It seems his "friends" dont stick up for him and have started excluding him from their plans. Before christmas he posted on Instagram, he thought anonymously, about suicide which terrified us all. I had a real heart to heart with him, met with the school and he has an apointment for counselling, which he thinks will help. I think it was more a knee jerk reaction to show his friends how isolated he's feeling without really thinking of the implications. Our 17 yo daughter came out at 14, so he knows i have no issues. Im just really worried its also because of my partner, his dad. He's not an agressive man and we have sailed through 20 yrs but now our kids are choosing life paths he has real issues with, his bigoted views are affecting how i see him. Its like if he ignores things they'll go away and he wont have to face them. Our son has always been quite a sensitive child, shying away from all stereotypical boys things like football and rough n tumble activities, which has always been a bone of contention as my partner always believes ive made him that way (!) As he's my "lil prince". And in a snap comment he once said its my fault they're "both the way they are" Trust me i exploded. All i care about in life is that my children are safe and happy and view their home as a sanctuary where they can be truly themselves. There are not rows at home and its still quite relaxed and the kids are still at ease around us both, but they know there is no point talking to my partner about certain topics and to me he is coming across as really ignorant, misogynistic and bigoted. The kids joke about him being a dinosaur but its really starting to anger and embarrass me. I just dont know if i want to be with him anymore. We have a good life, financially secure and we are equals in that we both work,share bills, housework, cooking etc and he does love us and I'm unsure if im jumping the gun and that im building up problems more intensely in my head with the stress i feel over my son. I dont want to break up our family unnecessarily and make things feel worse for the kids. Can anyone relate?? Thanks

Italiangreyhound Tue 05-Feb-19 20:43:23

Kerryjgh I really feel for you, this must be hard. I think your son's sexuality is not really the issue.

Goodness a lot to think about.

If I were you I would break this down.

Sounds like your son has some bullying issues and being left out issues, get some advice on this.

Speak to CAMHS about the possible suicide thoughts.

As far as whether he is gay or not, he doesn’t need to decide or explore that yet, unless he wants to.

If I were you I would post in relationships on here to discuss the issues with your partner.

I really hope all will go well.

SJane45S Thu 07-Feb-19 11:09:49

I totally agree that you have 2 seperate issues here. In terms of your DP, go down to basics - is this the person you want to grow old with? What is keeping you in this relationship? And does the thought of being on your own actually make you feel happy? None of us can advise you to go or stay as you'll know the answers to this, not us. Being a single parent is bloody hard work (I've been one) but for me, infinitely better than being in the relationship I was in. If this is more about whether your DD would be better just parented by you, well your DP would still see him obviously but without you as the buffer and medium.

As for your DS, he's 12. Maybe he's gay and maybe he's not. 12 years old is quite young to stick yourself in one definitive box anyway. My eldest DD came out at 15 as a 24 she defines herself as pan sexual and dates both men and women. My nephew identifies as binary and has a similar relationship pattern. I think I would just encourage him if he's unsure of what he is, go with what he feels, fancy who he wants and take time to work things out himself. He really doesn't have to label himself as anything at 12 ..or indeed at any point!
On another note, if he is being picked on at school and has trouble fitting in and everyone is assuming that he is something that he doesn't even know if he is himself..why not change schools? Having personally been in a school where I was really unhappy as a teenager for 4 years, when my parents (eventually!) moved me after 4 years it was like having a completely new start. Maybe a new school where he can be whatever he wants to be without a whole load of preconceptions about him would be a good idea?

NanooCov Thu 07-Feb-19 11:14:26

I don't buy that the kids are at ease around you both. That can not be true if they feel they cannot discuss certain subjects with him, particularly if those subjects are as important as their sexuality. That must be hurtful for them.

Personally I could not stay with a man with such bigoted and misogynistic views.

I'm glad your son is getting some support. I think you need to think carefully about your future.

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