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Ds 13 said he’s gay today

(33 Posts)
0hCrepe Sat 14-Jul-18 00:06:38

DS told us he’s gay today, he said it just kind of clicked. One of his best friends is also gay. He’s always liked dance etc and has mainly female friends but I was still quite surprised. Dh is quite effeminate so I thought he was prob like him. Anyway he just said it and we said whatever makes you happy and hugged him. He said he doesn’t fancy any boys. He seems content with it and he’s always been a very happy boy. Dd 11 was shocked and a bit freaked out, worried about friends talking about it.
Part of me thinks it might just be a phase, not that I want it to be, I guess it’s just getting used to it. But when do you tell wider family? Do we just leave that up to him? I said to dd it doesn’t change anything he’s still the same person. I’d like to talk about it with my friends, before I told my mum, but is that bad? I just think my mum would get ott about it and tell everyone and want to talk about it all the time!

RoboJesus Sat 14-Jul-18 00:18:02

It's really not a big deal. Whenever he gets a boyfriend (or girlfriend) he wants to introduce to the family then that's how they'll know unless he mentions it to them beforehand. I say or girlfriend because at 13 your sexuality isn't set. He might end up straight, gay, or bi but most teens experiment with both sides regards to varying degrees.

Badgerthebodger Sat 14-Jul-18 00:27:10

Firstly I think you’ve done the right thing in responding how you did smile

Secondly I would just wait and see how things go at this point. He may decide he’s not gay, or he may decide he’s bi, or lots f things before it’s fixed. I think I would personally just hang on a while and see what happens. If he wants you to disclose to the wider family I’m sure he’ll let you know. My sister is gay and came out early, then liked boys for a bit, then said she was bi, then finally said she was a lesbian at 19. Just love him lots and go with the flow, I know it can be a shock and take some time to come to terms with, but as long as he knows you love him no matter what I’m sure everything will be ok

0hCrepe Sat 14-Jul-18 06:20:13

Yes I said to dh there’s no rush to tell anyone and we can just wait till he gets a boyfriend. But then I don’t want him to think we’re not telling anyone because we’re ashamed at all. Prob over thinking! I do want to talk to close friends though but dh was worried it would get back to my mum through others and she’d be upset she wasn’t told. I’ll just say don’t tell anyone I guess.
Also I was well into boys at 13 and definitely knew I was straight!

GeorgeIII Sat 14-Jul-18 06:28:17

At 13 adults weren’t that much in my DCs lives. They socialised on their own so I wouldn’t have felt that anyone needs to be told, I didn’t rush to tell people DC has their first GF/BF or anything. Or ask DS if he wants you to tell everyone but that is putting him on the spot a bit.

0hCrepe Sat 14-Jul-18 06:37:09

He’s said he doesn’t mind who I tell as I asked if I could tell dd as I thought she should know what he said too. He sees my mum every week and we socialise with other families quite a bit.

Phantommagic Sat 14-Jul-18 06:40:36

I don't think you need to rush to tell people. We don't announce that our children are straight do we? Just let it unfold over time or let him talk to people.

0hCrepe Sat 14-Jul-18 06:43:52

Yes that’s what I said as I said above. It’s more I’d like to talk it over with my close friends and dh was concerned it would get back to my mum another way.

waterlego6064 Sat 14-Jul-18 06:52:51

My 12 year-old DD recently stated that she was bisexual, and then a few weeks later, said she was a lesbian. Another 6 weeks on, she is now straight. I think there can be a lot of confusion at this age. Your son may well be gay, but no need to make it ‘official’ by telling family.

QuaffleyGood Sat 14-Jul-18 06:58:20

Do you think it's likely to get back to your mum via your friends/another source?

It's great that he was able to talk to you about this. I never would have been able to come out to my mum at his age.

0hCrepe Sat 14-Jul-18 07:05:56

not if I ask friends not to say. I don’t feel a need to make anything official but also we do generally talk about everything including sexuality and for ds there has always been a bit of an inkling, the dancing, hatred of anything boyish, obsessed with Ariana grande! I guess I’ll see if it crops up in conversation and if he wants to tell family that’s up to him.

snowsun Sat 14-Jul-18 07:08:52

You don't need to tell people your child is straight and so it should be for someone who is gay. But I guess that's not reality yet.

I remember my son at that age. Two friends said they were gay.

One is.

The other was at the confused stage when he was discovering sexual feelings. I guess working out how he felt towards his friends verses sexual feelings appearing. Over time he worked out his feelings and no longer feels sexual about men at all.

0hCrepe Sat 14-Jul-18 07:19:42

No one says they’re straight to be fair and we do talk about our children’s developing interests anyway, gay or straight. DS has been mentioning a few things about being gay and gender issues for about a year now, relating to other people, now I think of it, possibly testing the waters.
He chose to say he was gay so it was obviously something he felt needed saying.

0hCrepe Sat 14-Jul-18 07:35:51

The other bit is I’m meeting 3 friends today and before he said he was gay I’d sent them a screenshot of his Instagram because he was doing a funny balletic pose staging an album cover for Ariana... so it will come up. And he’ll be there and may well tell my friend’s oldest dd himself.
This has helped me think it through though. I think it’s just a case of saying something if it comes up in a kind of he’s said this but we’ll see way, because I don’t want to be like suppressing it either.

parkermoppy Tue 17-Jul-18 06:53:13

It depends whether he wants you to tell people or not. I wish so much word had spread with me, no one seemed to be comfortable (on one side of my family anyway) talking about it, and almost ten years later I am still coming out in dribs and drabs. He may find it easier if you tell people, but it doesn't need to be a big deal, just in conversation

0hCrepe Tue 17-Jul-18 07:02:41

Hi thanks for that insight. Yes I don’t want him to think my not telling people is keeping secrets.
Anyway the next day I asked him if he’d told anyone and he said he told us first and then all his friends.
I’m friends with some of his friends’ parents, one of whom we were seeing that day as families so I told the mum my friend. (He has said I could tell anyone).
I told my mum and sister yesterday as it just seemed relevant as we’re very close and it seemed odd not to tell them. But it’s also like nothing’s changed as he’s just the same boy, though he did send me a text by accident about designing a drag outfit!

indulgentberries Tue 17-Jul-18 07:04:45

What a great response, it's really not an issue these days - people don't come out as being straight and I don't see why it should be an issue if people are gay either as, to me, both are equally valid.
That said, be prepared for different emotions to come out in yourselves over the next few days or weeks as you adjust to it as it does make a difference in some ways; I know I was fine about it all and then gradually I had to deal with the idea of the implications for my son and it was a bit tricky for me at times. Not tricky when it comes to how I feel about him, just about the implications for him.

As for telling people, I'd be guided by him and see what he is comfortable with. It may well be that everybody just goes 'yeah, we know' and gets on with it. We dropped little hints into conversations with grandparents on occasion as my DS was happy with that approach and they eventually worked it out gradually. We did things as a family to show him that we were comfortable with it; we went to a gay pride event recently which he appreciated.

He might later decide that he's bi or straight - my first kiss was with somebody of the same sex when I was about 13/14 and it was great but I am now straight and have only had heterosexual relationships since; it's an age for experimenting. Just go with the flow and carry on being as supportive as you have been so far.

Justamum07 Tue 09-Oct-18 12:45:18

I came onto MN to find threads like this.

My 12 year old DS told me last night he thinks he is gay - has been having these feelings, didn't know how to tell me, is worried about how his father is going to react. He actually broached the topic by telling me that National Coming Out Day is 11th October and it all came out after that.

I said that I was proud of him for sharing his feelings with me, that he will always be just himself to me, and that it was normal to feel different feelings at his age and not to worry.

I have told DH all of this who has reacted as very shocked and upset, and a bit in denial and actually I think wishes I had never mentioned anything. sad

Petalflowers Thu 11-Oct-18 11:39:43

My DS said he was gay a couple of weeks back. Fortunately I didn’t crash the car in shock! I had no idea. He hasn’t had girlfriends (he’s 15) but has seemed keen on girls before. Eldest DS hasn’t had girlfriends either, and it has crossed my mind, but I put it down to being in a boys school, shyness etc.

A school counsellor friend of ours (who was as surprised as us) said it’s unusual for teens to say they are gay. Usually they say bi initially.

Petalflowers Thu 11-Oct-18 11:45:45

Just - my dh is the same.

On The tv programme Raymond the other day, one of the people said that ‘they are bothered about being bothered’ ( conversation was about something completely different). That’s how I feel. In this enlightened age, we’re all supposed to be totally accepting of news like this. However, I know it’s going to be the harder path to tread, and my world is very ‘straight’. You want to support your child, and want the best, and this path could make life slightly more difficult.

Since the news, life has gone all as normal. He’s still DS, doing all the usual things.

steppemum Thu 11-Oct-18 11:51:51

dd1 is 13 and told us she was gay about 6 months ago.
She had been talking a LOT about gender issues, and to be honest I was relived she was gay and not trans, as that would have had lots of implications.

Everyone at school seems to be genderfluid/agender/pangender etc etc, and so on the one hand I wouldn't be surprised at a child of this age coming out with something that then changes.

But for dd I am 99% certain that she is gay. I know it was like a damn bursting tellling us, as we then had a whole week of gay jokes, rainbows etc etc, and it was obvious that is was a relief to be her real self.

We have talked about who she wants to tell when, and if she wants me to tell, and initially I think she would have told everyone in a big declaration, but in fact she didn't, and hasn't and now doesn't seem bothered. Wider family don't officially know, but it isn't a secret, and let's just say her being gay surprised no-one. Everyone at school knows.

Since those first few weeks, she has calmed down, and it isn't the issue at the front of her mind any more. So she still hasn't officially told people at home.
It would be a non issue in our family as my uncle is gay and married, but I am just following her lead.

Justamum07 Thu 11-Oct-18 14:42:20

Petal I feel exactly the same as you.

And yes since his bombshell on Monday DS has of course been exactly the same and life trundles on with DH just as it always has.

DS seems really happy which is fine by me! grin

Petalflowers Thu 11-Oct-18 14:55:46

Just - have you told anyone? We haven’t apart from school counsellor friend who has been very helpful. These days, it’s not such a big deal teens, which is good.

Did you have any idea? We didn’t. Funnily enough, we thought he had a crush on a girl during the school holidays. One or two (male) names have been mentioned in the past, but in a hero worshipping sort of way.

Justamum07 Thu 11-Oct-18 15:16:12

No, it's only popped up as a topic this week, I am just leaving it, and if he wants to tell people he can, but my guidance would be just to see how things play out over the next few months or so, but keep talking to me. He is only 12.

I didn't have any idea no, but maybe I should have - his favourite tv show is The Next Step (google it), he asked for a girls world for Christmas a few years ago (which I got him), he loves having his toenails painted, he loves brushing my hair. But he also loves playing in the woods with sticks, climbing trees - I never saw any of the things he liked as typically "girl or boy stuff" - I have always treated the things they liked as perfectly normal and that my kids should be allowed to express themselves in any way they like, and I still think that.

Justamum07 Thu 11-Oct-18 15:17:53

and in fact he is only JUST 12 and a very young 12 at that. It would not surprise me if he told me he has a girlfriend next month. I am not hoping for this, I just wouldn't be surprised if he suddenly goes in a different direction. I do think he struggles to know where to put himself, where he "fits in"....

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