Help me break the news that he isn't seeing his kids again

[Chapman198]

So I have three kids
11.9 & 5
I'm married to a woman and have been with her since 2014
My children's father, hasn't ever really been a great dad
Yes he is there, sat on a laptop ignoring them but he is there.
About 18 months ago he moved to Saudi for work, sold it to me like it was for the kids future extra
Bullshit!!!
He sends them money yes.
He started off ringing them but soon it stopped now it's once in a blue moon n my middle child refuses to speak to him
Say he will email, but it's just coz he doesn't know what to say.
They have seen him once since he went over there n the aftermath was awful

Now he doesn't ring or anything
Kids don't talk about him
They aren't upset daily missing him

But he is wanting to see them in feb
When he comes home n I don't want him to coz the kids will get upset confused n then have to go god knows how long til they see him again
It's not fair
But I don't know how to say it over email
How to put it into words without sounding
Like I'm the c@&t
He is all good with words n well educated aswell

Am I even doing the right thing ?

My kids don't need him
N he clearly doesn't care for them

Help me please x

[BattleCuntGalactica]

Yep you're doing the right thing.

First hand experience of this sort of thing showed me the fathers that bob in and out of their kids lives once in a blue moon, and don't engage them until it suits them, sends them into a horrible spiral and encourages abandonment issues.

Just be up front about it. Tell him he's clearly not invested in his kids and it's best that he stays away for their mental well being.

[Chapman198]

Thank you for replying x

[Fionne]

I think you need to give him one last chance to step up to the mark by making demands on him before you stop him from being in the children’s life.

Much better down the line for you to be able to say I did everything to try and encourage contact rather than say I just let it die a death.

[Rainbowqueeen]

Yes Id simply say that you don't consider it to be in the children's best interests.

Keep it very short, you don't need to explain yourself and if he is any sort of parent he should know exactly what you mean.

and yes you are doing the right thing

[Chapman198]

I've told him loads in the last 18 months
He needs to ring them weekly
God I even let my kids use my phone to ring him
They have a tablet to use to ring him but never use that
My kids send him letters picture via email
I've begged him to reply at times

I've even lied to my kids n said I spoke to dad when U where at school he sends his love says the pictures were wonderful

When he rang last he was too busy showing off his new tie bride to the kids he wasn't even listening to what they were saying

It drives me mad that he sends me for them in replace of him

Yes we will miss the money

But I have to think of the kids

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

I feel for you and am in a very similar situation with my DDs father.

Are you legally allowed to stop him from seeing his kids? Is he the sort of person to take you to court over it? That could be much worse.

I remember having this conversation with one of my best mates and her word of caution was that her Mother did this to her when she was a kid and when my friend hit her teens she blamed her Mother entirely for her lack of relationship with her father. It drove a real wedge between them.

I decided that I wouldn't go down that route. My DDs father can be held 100% accountable for being a shit father, it's nothing to do with me. If he chooses to only spend 10 hours a year with DD when he can manage to squeeze her in on a trip home to UK then that's his choice. At least I can honestly look DD in the eye and say it was entirely her fathers choice.

[Chapman198]

See this is the battle I'm fighting in my head at the mo
He choose to go to Saudi
He picked a job over his kids in my eyes
No job could ever pay me enough to take me away from my kids ever.

Legally he has no rights
He doesn't even live in this country what's he going to do take me to court so a judge can give him consent to see his kids when he bothers to come home, that's never going to happen. He will never be allowed to take them to Saudi either.

Legally he just has to pay for them, even tho he is on their birth certificates

My kids r happy
They have a great family unit with me and my wife

He has already emotionally scared them by leaving them
Do I continue to let him emotionally damage them or do I take control as their mother ?

[BattleCuntGalactica]

He still needs to pay his way for the kids, regardless of if he is in their lives or not. You've given him ample opportunity, and he's not bothered and keeps letting them down.

When they're eighteen years old, they can make that decision for themselves if they want to seek him out, but it seems like you've tried to involve him to no avail.

Dear (insert name here)

It's becoming increasingly obvious that you don't wish to involve yourself in the lives of your children with any consistency or regularity. Therefore for the sake of their mental health, I am vetoing any further contact until they are of the age where they are legally allowed to make those decisions for themselves. It's not fair for you to come in and out of their lives when it suits you, so I'm making that decision for you.

Please do not make this any more complicated than it already is, the the children need consistency and you're not providing that, even though you have been given ample opportunity.

Something like that maybe.

[Chapman198]

Thank you

[Chapman198]

Thank you

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

It's frightening how similar our situations are! I too can never understand how all the money in the world can lure you away from a child that took 3 hard years to conceive (in my case)!

I'm really not trying to pick an argument just thinking through what his moves might be if you go doe this route. You say he has no legal rights, I don't understand this bit? If he's got parental responsibility (I.e was named on birth certificate, married to you) then he has legal rights. It's just a case of whether he'd fight for them just to fight you or whether a Judge would ever see fit to give him visitation when he's in the UK.

You know him best though, your letter might come as a complete relief to him that he doesn't have to play at being a father and can just send money each month instead.

[OlBitey]

I don't think you should stop them seeing him, no. He's their father. Clearly not a very good one, but it's not up to you to prevent him seeing them even if he's less than perfect (obviously barring abuse, which isn't the case here, he's just crap). Sorry, but that's the card they've been dealt. Facilitate contact until they are old enough to make their own decisions. They won't thank you for barring contact with their father.

[SuperLoudPoppingAction]

Marking my place more than anything as I'm in a similar situation.

I'm thinking of taking it back to court to have contact at least reduced.

The fall out from contact is massive. I'm right now dealing with two distressed and anxious little boys

[rocketgirl22]

I would do something slightly differently.

I would set a benchmark date ( six months or a year from now) and say to the father if you can prove in that time that you are committed to

a) staying in touch at least three times a week
b) Make time to send cards and reminders to them
c) Remember all special occasions

THEN and only then you will agree a time to visit.

He needs to prove himself first.

There is no way I would agree to anything else, a confusing and destabilising influence is not what any child needs.

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

I think what's interesting for me is seeing my 7yo form her own judgements about her father with no leading from me.

She now sees him as someone who gives a lump of cash on her birthday and at Xmas, she has a nice day out with him once a year but expects very little else from him and actually isn't willing to give much more to him.

It's a struggle to get her to FaceTime with him on the rare occasion he calls. She would never talk to him 3 times a week!

I suspect your kids at 11, 9 are well aware of how flaky their Father is.

[museumum]

I actually think the 11 year old should choose themselves if they want to see him.
Maybe even the 9 year old too.

[Figrollsnotfatrolls]

Legally he has rights if he is on the bc surely?
I would make plans to meet him with dc. Don't tell them though. Big IF he shows let him justify why he has been absent or teen years the blame from no contact will lie at your door. And he isn't worth driving a wedge between you and your dc.

[FJ77]

Dear Chapman198,
I am grieved you are experiencing trouble as you described earlier. I pray peace into your situation, that joy would come, and all hearts would be healed. A blessed 2018 to you. Joy.