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Where do I start with this? Co parenting help

(7 Posts)
darlingtwinklebum Sun 24-Mar-19 00:28:40

So I'll try to keep this as brief and easy to understand as possible by just listing facts.
Myself and ex split before dd was born
He's had previous issues with drugs and aggression in the past (aggression was sometimes in front of dd)
Previously stopped contact as he was smoking weed which affected his mood and didn't want her around it
He is now meant to see her every Saturday for a few hours - this is all he wants
She doesn't want to go as he does nothing with her just uses tv as a babysitter
Essentially he isn't interested in her unless he has an audience or his family are on his case - not a fact I know but don't lynch me!

Just want to know where I stand legally. We have no arrangements in place for things like clothing costs, club costs, him having her overnight, any of the day to day stuff that we both should know where we stand with. Surely he can't just collect her from me and either shove her in front of the tv or use his family as a babysitter instead of spending time with her? He also now has a motorbike which he obviously can't put her on so expects me or his family to drive her around wherever he needs her to be.

Is there anything legally/formally I can do so that we both have an agreement on what each of us will/won't be doing?
Hope this has made sense but I'm up late typing it so who knows blush

prh47bridge Sun 24-Mar-19 08:37:41

You can claim child maintenance from him. If he won't agree, you can go through the CMS. That will at least mean he contributes towards clothing costs, etc. However, maintenance and contact are separate issues.

If there are no court orders in place you can do whatever you want. If you want to put conditions in place, you can. However, the only way to get something enforceable is to get a court order. That will not include the conditions you want. As far as the courts are concerned, what he does with your daughter when she is with him is up to him. You can't control what he does with her and equally he can't control what you do with her.

darlingtwinklebum Sun 24-Mar-19 10:36:31

@prh47bridge Thanks for your help I had no idea what I could or couldn't do. I will contact cms and see what they say at least then I will know we'll be getting some kind of support with financial stuff.
Do you think mediation would be worth it? Would they let us sit down and discuss any issues we have? I just want him to realise how hard it is to have to hand her over when she's in a state because she doesn't want to go.. just wish he would do more with her so she realises that he is as much responsible for her as I am.

BubblesBuddy Sun 24-Mar-19 11:18:02

Yes, try mediation. Could you spend time together as a family? That way she sees people trying to be parents? Go to the park or something similar. Can grandparents be around for visits? Are they trustworthy?

darlingtwinklebum Sun 24-Mar-19 16:52:16

@BubblesBuddy his mum is around and she loves seeing her so that could be an option.. the only thing is she also has kids herself so dd dad wouldn't really be spending time with her himself since the kids would all be off playing together
I suppose I just need to realise that I can't control what he does with her no matter how much I would love him to be doing things and spending proper time with her
We have also tried doing things as a 'family' previously but it all just falls to me he doesn't interact with her because I'm there so expects me to do it all
I guess this is more of a problem with me that I need to get used to him not giving his all to her

BubblesBuddy Sun 24-Mar-19 16:58:49

Lots of Dads can be like that. We expect more of them but do not always get it. I was just thinking of ways to broker a deal. Sometimes men get better as DC get older. It might not do any harm for your DC to play with his mum's children. They are aunts and uncles aren't they? Perhaps playing is not such a bad thing. Take it step by step. Dad does not have to one to one at this stage. It could become that later.

darlingtwinklebum Sun 24-Mar-19 17:45:52

@BubblesBuddy thanks for your help. You're right I'm probably expecting too much of him at the minute hopefully it'll get better over time
She does love playing with the kids so as long as she's having fun there then I will just keep my opinions on his parenting to myself

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