How do I get a non molestation order?

[Nikitasol]

I'm having a truly awful time with EA ex and father of DC. I emailed mediator today to say that I would be stopping going due to his behaviour (and copied him in). I emailed him as recently as yesterday to say DC ill but despite this he contacted my parents today about me not being in communication with him.

He's previously been telling people I'm mad. His new gf is a psychiatrist so he's got lots of support on that front now too.

From what's written it feels like he's wanting to get them both on side and start the whole she's mad thing with them. That's the general script in the town we live in that he's feeding people.

He thinks they're reasonable and I'm not so he'll be saying I've tried everything to communicate with her...

'Thanks (my dad) for helping out, as ever it's much appreciated.
I also wanted to have a conversation and ask your opinion about communication with (me) , it's getting worse and I'd really like to stop that if possible. However if you feel this isn't appropriate I understand.'

This is the most recent in a long line of EA stuff all aimed at making me look loopy. I'm doing bulk of childcare and have a specific email set up to manage communicating with him. But solely around childcare.

I feel under attack. I haven't slept for months and he's so good at covering his tracks and making his behaviour seem like it's my fault that I just find it hard to function.

National DV charity said get a non molestation order but the person I spoke to didn't know how to go about it. Anyone been through this or know how to do so?

I'm aware this is just one incident but it's been going on for years and far worse since I left him last year. I'm exhausted and mentally frazzled. What do I do? Feels like he's now trying to get my parents on his side.

This is someone who essentially disappeared off to party all last year and wasn't around. Now he's in a relationship he is ramping up the control stuff again. I know it's not physical violence but I'm really really scared of him.

He's incredibly charming and every one loves him. He's in a position of power and I'm a broke single mum so feeling very vulnerable.

Advice please?

[traviata]

This could be tricky I'm afraid. It is so much harder to prove a pattern of controlling behaviour than one or two incidents of physical violence.

Have a look at 'coercive control' here.

Passive aggressive emails like the one you quoted are difficult to deal with, because he can so easily whine that he 'didn't mean any harm'.

What is your relationship with your parents like? Will they stand by you and tell him to get lost?

i'd also suggest you post in the Relationships section on MN. I think you may need to play a long game, and an injunction application might not get you what you need.

If you apply to court for an injunction, you will need to fill out an application form and a witness statement. You need to be clear in your mind what it is that your ex has done and is doing which requires the court to protect you.

[Nikitasol]

Thank you @traviata
Could I ask what you mean by the long game? Does that mean court eventually or just keeping hold of 'evidence'.

My folks are supportive so will send a generic please only contact us about childcare etc message back.

[Nikitasol]

Looking at the link you sent, I left him in February 2017 and the law changed in Dec 2018 so would be a tough call to prove anyway.

[traviata]

What I mean by the long game is trying to change the basis of your communications, get things on your terms, rather than trying to hit him with a court order.

I mean getting to a situation where you say as little as you want, and he has to accept that he can't force you to do more. Not easy.

And, yes, keep hold of evidence.

Do try the Relationship board, so many regular posters there have amazing advice.

[AliCat36]

Can you get to see a solicitor for some advice? Legal aid is available for domestic abuse issues, depending on your financial position. Or is there a local dv support service you could talk to?
If you google 'application for non mol' you will find the form you need. The court needs 3 copies of that & 3 copies of your statement. Number your paragraphs & sign the statement at the end. You just need to write/type things that have happened with dates as far as possible & details of what he's done & how he behaved, how it made you feel.
The order will usually forbid someone from using violence, making threats, harassing/intimidating/pestering, so your statement needs to show how his behaviour has made you feel threatened, harassed etc.
There's no court fee to pay when you issue the application. It has to be given to him & the court might get a bailiff to do that or you might have to pay a process server to do it.
Hope that helps & best of luck.

[Nikitasol]

Thanks both. That's really helpful. Appreciate it.

[KMoKMo]

Contact the national centre for domestic violence -ncdv. Google them.

[Nikitasol]

Thank you